And They Are.

if the only thing you can vividly remember about what love feels like is just that it hurts, you start welcoming pain. chasing it, even.

right, Jinx?

right, Ekko?

*

after she slaps him to get him away, or else she'd jinx him, she never really looks at him. sweeps her gaze across him like a paintbrush, taunts, cocks her head on one side, feigning contemplation, fires at him (or does she, really?), fights him, follows him, spies on him, yet never looks at him.

not really.

not until the bridge.

not until she's sure she is going to die and the acid of vulnerability will never eat away her flesh in front of him, exposing how much she wanted to go back, back, back to where his hands were warm and gentle, just as his eyes.

she knows that for one glorious, excruciating moment, he sees her through. all that longing, pain, guilt, and exhaustion.

of course, he sees her.

of course, she doesn't die after. she is Jinx, after all.

she hates herself Ekko for that.

*

after she slaps him, something fractures in him, and he sucks in a breath, feeling how jagged edges of his broken heart pierce his lungs. she doesn't need him. Powder died, she said it herself, and Ekko repeats to himself, "Powder's dead, Powder's dead, dead." he says it to everyone, to the Firelights, to Scar, to Vi, who got back from the dead.

he looks at her anyway. he looks for her anyway.

eyes blue and mad, braids like snakes, clouds shifting along with her muscles. it's only to anticipate her attacks, he says, clutching his weapon with a sweaty hand.

the chasm in his chest throbs, mocking him.

he fails every time.

every time, until the bridge.

he feels the skin on his face tug as he smirks, his head buzzes, as do his hands, his legs, his stupid heart, hurting, squeezing, somewhere far away from his consciousness, hidden under layers and layers of old scars.

he looks at her and readies himself to throw a final punch and to finally make Jinx disappear so that he can, after all these years, bury his best friend.

and then he sees her. and his heart tugs, and he can't breathe - why is she looking at him like Powder did? why would she do that to him? -

he lowers his fist. doesn't relax his stupid hand that wants to wipe off the blood under her nose. it hurts so familiar, it's almost good.

of course, she decides to die right away.

of course, she steals it from him. she is Jinx, after all.

he misses hates her more for that.

So one thing I've been thinking a lot recently, regarding His Dark Materials, is the way Lyra and Will's last kiss, the one with the doorway between worlds, parallels Marisa and Asriel's one in Northern Lights, in the sense that they are the complete opposite of one another.

Aside from the fact that they both happen in front of a portal, and that it is heartbreaking because neither of them would pass together thought it, think of this :

The odds have always been against Marisa and Asriel's relationship. First because she was married, and then the whole scandal and the shame that came after, and the hate and all that. There was not one time when the odds were on their side. Meanwhile, Will and Lyra's romance was written in the stars. They were tied together by fate, and so there was never any chance that they wouldn't be together.

And then comes the point where they are both standing in front of those gates, together, and suddenly there is nothing that's keeping Marisa and Asriel from being together. They have managed to get there on their own - now, they have the chance to continue together. Will and Lyra, on the other hand, are standing there for the sole purpose of the fact that they can't, after all, be together, even thought it was written in the stars and it was their destiny.

Marisa refused to go with Asriel because she doesn't dare to, or because she wants to find Lyra, according to either the book or the TV show. Asriel doesn't protest to that because he has a war to wage. They let each other go and missed the only chance they had at a fresh start because they loved other things more, because they would not put each other first.

However, Will and Lyra didn't want to join one another because their lives would be shorter, and their death would pain the one who survived, were they to live in the same world. They accepted that they couldn't be together, and let each other go, because there was no one else they loved more.

oh yes, i am

frothing at the mouth over Ekko, that is

Ekko's got to be some ultimate form of wish fulfilment. He could be in love with anyone! And he falls for his less then stable, childhood best friend, turned enemy, come terrorist, ender of multiple friends, bringer of shimmer, nightmare of a mobster's daughter instead! You just knoooow all the girlies who think they're unlovable, too much trouble are frothing at the mouth over him.

my ship dynamic

also this is how you'd flirt with me

this is so momtara and dadko coded

he is also very much alive.

can't convince me otherwise

Thinking again about how Suzanne esentially subverted the "beloved famous man that is actually a horrible person in real life" with Finnick, who is the complete opposite of that.

Finnick has this whole image costructed around him by the people that abused him for years: the Capitol's darling, their golden boy, the sex symbol of Panem, the man that has countless lovers but leaves them constantly and doesn't look back etc. And you would expect, initially, to meet a man that retains at least a part of that persona in his day to day life. But Finnick doesn't, not even one bit.

You see instead a man that is deeply in love and completely devoted to the one woman he quite literally adores, a man that protects Mags, his old mentor and his mother figure, as much as he can, a man that wouldn't leave Johanna behind, a man that gathers whatever strenght he has left to speak publicly about the abuse inflicted upon him at the government's hands; the opposite of what the Capitol's media and reputation made him out to be.

You know how I've been complaining about Everlark and Silverparry deniers this past year. They've been bugging me a lot.

Today I saw a tweet about people being anti-romance these days and harping on the writers whenever the main characters have a romantic relationship. It's getting ridiculous.

I'm now struggling to remember if that was a thing 10/15 years ago when both fandoms were more active. I honestly can't remember because I wasn't on as many platforms as I am now and the ones I had been on seemed very romance-friendly as far as I remember.

On tumblr, I was mainly just THG/Everlark-focused 10 years ago and I honestly don't remember any Everlark deniers coming my way at all. Was it really the case or was it just me living in a bubble?

People today saying Everlark never had romance/they should be just friends are so weird to me as well. I was convinced they were just trying to be different but their persistence is weirding me out. Why does two fictional characters having a romantic relationship disturb you so much? Why are you hell bent on denying what the writer wrote in her books?

I don't know. I'm just really confused. Would love to hear your experience and opinions on it.

Has anyone done this yet

and finally: no one, absolutely no one, is doing it like Peeta “look at the shape you’re in” Mellark

the way that this blows any “Peeta is a lovestruck puppy” discourse out of the water … the way that it’s Katniss expecting hugs and kisses (from her really very definitely platonic friend nonetheless) … the way Katniss is like “I’ll enable you, Haymitch” … the way that Peeta is paying Ripper off like yes king use your wealth … the way he casually threatens to get his wife and weird drunk uncle arrested if they don’t get on board with his fitness program … the way he absolutely leaves no crumbs … Katniss’s final line asdfghjkl … I love this scene

Darker times will come and go

Times you need to see her smile

And mothers' hearts are warm and mild

I would rather feel this world through the skin of a child

—AURORA; Through the Eyes of a Child

make no mistake, I am well aware I am projecting onto both Ekko and Jinx like hell, I know...

and yet.

can't stop thinking about them.

like, imagine how he would cope with her loss. it's not that hard, there are some truly amazing fanfiction works that are exploring that topic, I am just offering you my spin, my musings that I keep leaving here instead of sitting down and writing my own fanfic.

how would he cope?

first, of course, comes the shock. just... an exhale, his chest caving in, hands trembling, tears ready to spill onto his cheeks —

and then - slam! — an imaginary metal wall drops down on him, cutting all feelings off, as if they are buzzing behind it, but Ekko can't access them anymore.

he needs to work. do something, solve something, save her someone, at least...

so he works.

there goes denial. there was no body, she may be alive, there was no body, so maybe she didn't suffer long when she died. he is fine, he is fine, he is fine, there is so much to do in Zaun, clearing out the streets, cleaning, burying, mourning, treating the injured, supporting others, overseeing the works, playing with kids, designing, inventing, building — he is freaking fine, there was no body found, so he's fine, he has no time to stop, he'll rest later, later because there's not anyone he can truly share the load with...

of course, they fucking took her from him.

of course, she fucking left. left Vi, left Sevika, damn her, left him.

she fucking left him.

alone.

to fend for himself — and everyone and everything else.

she stayed, she fought alongside him, she tinkered, ate, slept next to him — and still fucking left him!

alone!

again!

— so there comes anger

and makes everything even worse.

[tbc.]