Headcanon That Bruce’s Kids Have All Pulled The ‘you're Not My Father Card’ At Some Point Or The

Bruce: “Alfred, where’s Damian?”

Alfred: “There was a thunderstorm last night, Master Bruce. I believe he went to comfort the pets.”

He finds Damian asleep in the barn, using the batcow as a pillow, and decides to cancel today’s mission.

The Ena dream bbq brainworms got to me , so I had to make a shadowvanilla au, basically ill work on this in more detail later, but for now have this :3

Saiki has a little sister au, part 5: SPIDER AAAAAA [FULL COMIC UNDER THE CUT]

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That post-save-the-world clarity is craaaaaazy

Bruce, adopting Dick: Aw-w, what a sweet little kid! Surely, he is so polite, and—

Dick, the instance he gets in the battle: You fucking disappointment of a person, and (string of curses on his mother language)

Bruce: Oh. Okay.

Bruce, adopting Jason: Well, Jason was well-mannered and soft-spoken so far, so, maybe—

Jason to the random goon: You motherfucking asshole, I am going to shove this boa to your—

Bruce: Right. Okay.

Bruce, making Stephanie his Robin: Maybe...

Stephanie, using the same street language Jason did, if not worse: I FUCKED YOUR MOM, YOU SON OF A—

Bruce: Whatever.

Bruce, eying suspiciously quiet Tim, who came to interrogate the goon for the first time as a Robin: ?

Tim, the minute door closed behind him: Listen to me, you pathetic excuse of a man, I am going to fuck you up, in an—

Bruce, sighing: Yeah. Honestly. Whatever.

Bruce, staring at angry Damian, who looks like he is about to explode, but keeps up as much as he can: Go on, chump. Say what you want.

Damian, staring at the floor with the deadliest stare ever: Not to sound unbecoming, but... Loser. -_-

Bruce, flabbergasted: ...Okay.

I love Fics where Damian gets carried around. So here is a HC from me.

Bruce is at a meeting with the JL, and he brings Robin with him. Why? He just comes along, no real reason. Bruce shows Damian the watchtower, and they run into Hal and Barry. Hal and Barry never met Damian, and they think he is a normal child that fights crime with Batman. Well, they are wrong. They ask Damian which his favorite is, Flash or Green Lantern. Before Damian can say something, Bruce picks him up and carries him away; Damian is too stunned to say anything. This was actually smart, because Damian definitely would have destroyed Hal and Barry with words. Even if Bruce thinks that they're idiots sometimes, he still needs them, and he can't just let his son destroy their mental health with one sentence.

Later in a meeting something similar happens, but it's Superman asking. Before Damian can say anything, Bruce picks him up again, sits him in his lap, and starts patting his head. None of the heroes know it's for their own good; they think it's cute.

The picking up Damian thing also goes for the others. Once Duke and Damian are in the Gotham Library, because Damian has a group project and he refuses to go to the houses of his classmates and he also refuses to bring them to the Manor. Duke is also there just because he also has some homework to do (and because Bruce told him to supervise).

When one of Damian's classmates says that he doesn't like some random animal that Duke hasn't even heard about, he starts to sprint over to Damian and picks him up. Duke knows that Damian would have verbally destroyed the other kid, and he doesn't want to take care of a crying child.

This picking up and making Damian shut up thing works for everyone except Dick. The others say it's because Dick doesn't hold Damian tight enough or because he is too used to getting randomly picked up by Dick. He is a little bit salty about it when he learns during a mission that this also works with Stephanie.

The entire thing was first discovered by Alfred and Tim. Damian and Tim were alone with Alfred at the Manor, and they nearly got into a fight; however, Alfred walked in on them before something happened. He sees that they're both going to explode soon and that they will start fighting. So he decided to just take Damian and place him in a different room. He crouches down to Damian, ruffles his hair, and holds him, then takes his hand and leads him away. For some reason that completely resets Damian's brain (it's probably because in the league no one ever held him, except for training, and then it was violent).

Tim is like, 'What just happened with the Demon Brat?'.

And from that day on, they figured a way out to make Damian shut up.

What do you mean this isn't how it happened.

Shermie Pines, seeing Stanford for the first time: I can't believe it! Stanley Pines, back from the dead!

Stanford: oh, right. Yes. Tis I. Stanley Pines.

Stanley, rolling his eyes: okay, so admittedly I took my brother's identity. I'm Stanley, that's Stanford

Dipper and Mabel's mom, gasping: why on Earth would you lie about something like that?!

Stanley: to be so real with you, I was really drunk when I was put in charge of making that gravestone. In my defense, Stanford and Stanley are two very similar names

Dipper and Mabel's dad: I'm having a hard time processing this. Where have you been hiding all this time? And why?

Stanley: uh, he was in witness protection! He was hiding from his, uhm, crazy ex!

Shermie: that's awful! Your ex was so bad that you needed to go into witness protection?

Stanford: Bill didn't take the divorce well.

The younger siblings have passed judgement.