maylambb

Latest Posts by maylambb

Interviewer, catching Damian in costume: Robin! Can you explain the process of picking up Robin or passing on the mantle?

Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.

Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.

Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.

Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.

Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.

Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.

-

Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?

Dick, who has no idea what she's taking about: Yeah, it's really scary. His jaw unhinges like a snake.

I live for Damian fully embracing his role as the feral younger brother and im not afraid to admit it.

Tim, on the phone: I can't make it to the meeting, I have a family emergency.

Hangs up and turns to see Damian hanging upside down from his ceiling

Tim: How long have you been there?!

Damian: Long enough to know your password is "RedRobinYum123."

Tim: GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

———

Dick: Damian, did you threaten the mailman again?

Damian: He was suspiciously regular in his arrival times. No one is that consistent without nefarious intent.

Dick: That's... literally his job.

Damian: Then why did he run when I appeared in the bushes with my katana?

———

Jason: Has anyone seen my leather jacket?

Damian walks by wearing Jason's jacket that reaches his knees

Jason: That's my—

Damian: I've claimed it as spoils of war. You fell asleep on patrol.

Jason: I was shot with tranquilizer darts!

Damian: Excuses are for the weak, Todd.

What a bunch of weebs RIP to Bruce's Yacht tho it did not make it home

Tip jar

Dark choco acknowledges that his dad have a strong ass plot armor

{PureCacao}

Choco Cone🍦

hi pookies!! Last part was so sad for you, I couldn’t look at your sadness and I decided to cook up something lighthearted 🫶🏼

..no particular reason I’m putting this here and right now! 😇 mhm!

All praise mighty choco cone!

Damian being an Anime fan is so funny to me, because he's the one people would expect it from the least.

Bruce is at an event and gets asked about his kids interests, and he is like "Oh, where to start! One of my boys, he loves those Japanese caricatures, you know. He buys these comic books that are backwards... He's always reading them."

And everyone turns to look at Tim.

Tim, resident cool skater boy, with his vintage cameras and old school Vans is like "??"

Then Bruce goes, "And another one of them. Oh, how he likes likes classic literature. Jane Austen, Oscar Wilde, Virginia Woolf, you name it."

And everyone turns to Damian.

Damian, who radiates old money and talks like a Victorian child stuck in the 21st century. Yet spends his time kicking his feet to Shoujo Manga and drawing OCs, is like "??"

And somewhere in Crime Alley Jason feels a disturbance in the force

.

I think anyone that studies medicine with Damian would lowkey hate his ass.

Not in a mean way, but in a petty why-aren't-you-struggling-like-me type of way. I mean, thanks to Robin and the league Damian is light years ahead of everyone on terms of experience and it would show.

Half the class is puking their guts out the first time they see a patient with an open fracture. Damian has been there, done that, seen that and worse. He's eating m&m's in the back.

They're all practicing making sutures until late. Damian is like "No, I don't need to join you. I could suture with my eyes closed" and then when someone is like "prove it, rich-boy" that mf actually blindfolds his eyes and sutures perfectly using four different techniques.

He also passes everything with flying colors! Because of course, the guy can't just be rich, good looking and famous, he has to be smart too.

And it just gets worse when he starts his actual residency.

Nothing shakes him! Thirty hour shifts? He doesn't even yawn. Extreme stress during a surgery gone awry? Damian is the one telling the other members of the surgical team to stay calm. Violent patient? They don't even get to call security, Damian has the guy pinned already.

And it would be easier to not get jealous of him if he somehow was a souless blood sucking asshole. But Damian is a good person, awkward and standoffish but always willing to help. He's there for whatever people need. He aids nurses, listens to patients, conforts victims. He sits with people for the bad news and when someone dies he gets this sad faraway look that shows he cares.

And it's just so unfair.

Damian giving people the nastiest reads ever for no reason at all, is so fucking funny. He's just that friend that takes it to far...

Bruce: This case at Wayne orphanage–

Damian: You know, it's disconcerting you own a building full of potential back-up Robins

Bruce:...

Stephanie: Union makes strength, Damian, we are better together

Damian: Is that why you and Tim are breaking up?

Tim:...

Bruce: I'd like you to have friends you have more in common with than killing

Damian: We have more in common than that, we all have poor relationships with our fathers too

Dick: I've been doing high-wire acts all my life, I'm the fastest in the air

Damian: You sure you're not scared of heights, Ric?

Dick: That's just mean...

Bruce: You are acting like a 10 year old heartless brat

Damian: And you were easier to look up to when you weren't around

Batfam headcanon

So, I've seen posts of Bruce forgetting his kids are adopted, but what if the batkids forget they're adopted?

Jason and Tim: *fighting*

Jason: You're adopted!

Tim: *gasps* >:0

Tim: So are you!

Jason:

Tim:

Jason: Damn, you're right.

Dick tries making fun of Jason before Jay brings up that one time they were seeing pictures of toddler Bruce with his baby curls and Dick said "Oh, so that's where I got mine from."

Tim, after a long patrol, collapses onto the couch and ends up falling mostly on Dick

Jason, in a lightly mocking tone Awww, look at the sleepy baby

Dick humms and shifts, trying to get more comfortable with the extra weight

Jason grins, sees the opportunity to annoy Dick, and leans on Tim to put more pressure on Dick, stretching widely, I’m so tiiiired

Dick too tried to realize Jason is being a brat, starts patting Jason’s hair Me too man, me too

Jason who is also exhausted from patrol feels his eyelids start to droop, begins to doze on Tim unwittingly

Tim is completely unaware

Tim later wakes up trapped not only between Dick and Jason but all their other siblings have joined the pile in some way

Tim glances sideways and sees Bruce sitting in a chair

Bruce, not looking up, Alfred has already sent the photos to Barbara

Tim huffs then goes back to sleep, knowing attempting escape is futile

Cute

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Protective, jealous, and possessive

I believe in Disney Princess Damian supremacy. I believe in a boy who loves nature so much it loves him back just as fiercely.

Odyspenelope on ao3 wrote a one shot and it has occupied my every waking thought since. The Al ghul are eco terrorists, the boy loves the world and I need that influence and core belief to filter into more of his actions.

Give me a Damian that when he came to Gotham, was horrified at the state of local animals and ecosystems and since his father will not allow him to punish every abuser or ceo who destroys the environment like they deserve, He will work to fix their mistakes. Fulfil both his parents' legacies at once by making this city better for all living creatures, not just people.

Give me a damian who, after causing so much pain, learnt unconditional love and forgiveness from Goliath, the bats in the cave, and Titus. Let him learn how to spread it to other animals and eventually people.

Give me a Damian who feeds every stray he comes across no matter the species to the point Alfred sows him extra pockets in his robin uniform and civilian coats for the food. Some are big enough to hold cats and injured birds safely during fights.

Damian brings home and fosters any animal he can hide from Bruce. The largest so far has been a horse he liberated from a neglectful carriage driver in Gotham Park. (Father caught Goliath within three days so it doesn't count.)

After batcow arrives, it becomes easier because when she is not in the cave, Bruce doesn't look in her Barn. The Barn becomes his base of animal and plant rescue operations. With the help of Alfred and a very amused Oracle (she found out after watching Damian on traffic cams with dozens of cats following him around like adoring fans), it grows larger and more extreme.

He creates relationships with every no kill shelter in the city and most decent veterinarians. The network becomes helpful in finding good homes for the animals he rescues and blacklisting bad owners.

Anyone found abusing an animal lives in fear of katanas. They hear soft words to puppies and cats after they have been brutally incapacitated.

He investigates companies with harmful environmental practices and passes any information he has onto Oracle to deal with. (For particularly bad offenders, he let's poison Ivy deal with them)

He carries around wild flower seed balls and puts money into local parks and nature reserves. The harbour is his next big project. ( There's so much he could do with an oyster and seaweed farm for biological filtration and detoxification of the water.)

He just never expects Gothams animals to protect him aswell.

He rescues an army of pigeons who attack a mugger after they gets a lucky shot in and get Damian in the throat. The birds descend in a fury. The mugger is so terrified he gives up before Damian can get him back for the throat punch.

The cats are next. Clawing and Biting human traffickers. Bruce assumes Silena did it, but Damian (who has twisted his ankle in the fight) knows.

It's only after a raccoon starts handing him back batarangs that he's thrown that he decides to try cultivating this behaviour on purpose.

Jon, who he goes to for animal husbandry advice and later training tips, thinks this is the funniest thing to happen ever. (Once he knows the amount of work Damian does for so many animals, he starts to fall a little in love with the boy who has birds happily making a home in his hair and only truly smiles at his strays.)

It's not long until every criminal begins to fear the sound of wings in alleys and claws on cement. You never know which stray is one of Robins.

The batfamily only realise what's going on when Damian is kidnapped and is rescued by a pack of stray dogs somehow. Each has a robin themed collar. Dick thinks it's the cutest thing in the universe, and Bruce gives him funds directly to increase the size of his operation. (After he freaks out about Damian being so much like Talia and how could he be this blind to what's going on in his house. He rescued hundreds of animals??? How??)

Robins Strays now includes exotic birds, a tiger, a couple of goats, a deer, and hundreds of rats and mice, each trained to gather information and retrieve lost and missing items during investigations.

Ivy, Harley, and Silena have dubbed him a Siren and give him any animals or environment related cases they can't personally handle. (Damian adores them, especially after meeting Harleys hyenas)

Gotham adores Robin and knows never to hurt an animal with an R on it or any animal, really. They make plushies of Goliath when he is introduced to the public after an arkham asylum breakout. (Bruce gave up on trying to get the animals to stop fighting crime. It's as useless as trying to stop his children.)

Jon eventually asks Damian out while they are bottle feeding newborn kittens in the barn under the watchful eyes of two dragons and a zoos' worth of pets.

He gets shovel talked by Silena and Ivy first. It's terrifying.

Damians Lore Drops have to be incredible. And a little horrifying.

Because Damian just does these insane, incredible things and then goes on with his life.

It's a trait he shares with most of his family, but Damian just tells them the most insane things about himself over breakfast on a Thursday in a bored tone like he didn't just admit to that time he and Jon fought a gun touting Batman Tim Drake from the Future. Or that he died at least twice in a murder tournament and told no one! They thought it was a regular fighting tournament.

Imagine he is arguing with Jason, and Jason threatens to make his life hell over the last pancake, and Damian just replies,'been there, done that, it was not very pleasant.' And it's not quippy or anything, just serious and little haunted. Jason freezes, Damian eats the pancake, AND THEN HE GOES ABOUT HIS DAY AND REFUSES TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS.

Like Damian has a lot of weird skills, especially for a kid. The entire batfam does, but like Damian canonically built a flying batmobile at ten like it was a Lego set.

Imagine Dick or Bruce saying that they wished that they had this ultra specific imaginary device, and a few days later, Damian hands it to them completely unprompted. They ask how and why, and Damian admits to having the equivalent to multiple high levels degrees in engineering and mechanics at like, age six, and he would have done more, but his mother killed the tutor.

Dick asks what else he's learnt, but the list is so weird and varied it leaves him shook. Who makes a nine year old study Business Management and Finance?? (This is also cannon)

Then there's the weird people and animals Damian seemingly collects. How does everyone react to Goliath? How do they find out about WIGGLES? Why does he have so many friends they have never heard of, and why are so many of them old enemies of Bruce's he met on the murder island? When did you get a cousin? Why did you punch Green Arrow? Huh? Fair.

Wtf Bruce, you let him keep the monkey??

Damian isn't used to communicating anything, so 90 per cent of what they know about him is what he deems revelvant at the time. Like, oh, Ras used to lock him in a box regularly so he knows how to escape this trap. Cool.

Oh, they can't understand a man they are questioning, Don't worry, Damian knows that language.

Oh no, they need voice access to get into this super secret base. Damian can mimic anyone.

Do you need help identifying this very rare mineral? Damian, I could have a PhD. in Geology by now if the tutor survived my mom, has got you.

He drives like an F1 racer and can manage lorry sized vehicles at 13. Studied magic just so he can use some spells in emergencies.

He just doesn't say anything until he needs to.

I think he is like that the rest of his life, though. Like his family starts to expect the weird shit all of them do, and at this point, very little surprises them .

Until Damian starts to date Jon and says nothing.

He just comes to the Manor one day with a baby and proceeds to introduce Bruce to his granddaughter. All happy and completely normal.

Meanwhile, Bruce is having a heart attack and asks who her mother is?

Damian explains how Talia grew her in a tube for him and Jon as a wedding gift. Bruce almost dies from choking on his own spit.

Talia grew him a baby? And since when are you married? And to Jon? Why does Talia know before him? Oh God, he and Clark are in laws.

Congrats to them <3

House would have figured out what’s wrong with Will Graham after nearly killing him and would have been like oh yeah also your therapist has been feeding you poison chicken soup that’s why you’re getting worse, probably should check his freezer too the guys not subtle with the cannibalism. But it’s easy to miss all this when you’re getting bent over the therapy chair instead of sitting in it.

Still think this is the funniest Hannibal post I’ve ever seen

Hannigram road trip headcanons

Will falls asleep in 5 minutes on the passenger seat

Hannibal has only opera and classical music CDs so Will keeps switching radio channels until he finds country music to Hannibal's horror

Will buys snacks from the gas stations

If it's a long drive they decide to do half half so the other can get some rest but Hannibal ends up insisting he can do all of it just because he enjoys watching Will sleeping

Will feeds Hannibal snacks while he is driving and Hannibal usually hates snacks especially from gas stations but Will is feeding him and he has the opportunity to bite his fingers so he sacrifices his fancy palette

Will gets snacks but forgets he also needs to pee so they have to stop at the next gas station again

They end up playing car games such as "last letter first" and Hannibal comes up with the most insane words ever just to flex while Will is like "apple" or "tree" and then when Hannibal the least expects it he says "Pulchritudinous"

Will is a bit more reckless when driving, does some maneuvers that make Hannibal go "Will, darling, you seem to be convinced we have seven lives."

They both enjoy showing things outside to the other. Will would point out the horses and bunnies while Hannibal would point out the pretty houses

When they play "I spy with my eye" Hannibal always starts with "The most handsome man on earth" making Will squirm.

Hannibal enjoys country music when Will is humming to it

If Hannibal is driving he has his little roadtrip habits especially if he is with Will. "There is a folder on the backseats. Can you reach it? I made a list of restaurants we can eat at. Choose whichever you like, I did some research." "A folder, Hannibal? Research on what? How many Michelin restaurants you can find in the same area?" "Yes."

Hannibal ends up freezing because Will has the AC on at all times

If they have a flat tire Will does all the work in like 10 minutes so that Hannibal doesn't get his suit dirty

Hannibal rests his right hand on Will's leg

Hannibal makes sure Will's seat is always heated in winter

yandere simulator fans are always like "male rivals x ayano" "male nemesis x ayano" "male student council x ayano" you guys are pussies make them lesbians

yandere simulator yuri

i don’t support yandere dev

Insane things that Will did that make him much worse than Hannibal:

He had a gun with him when Hannibal stabbed him and he didn't even try to fight back, he let himself be held as his bowels were falling out

He foreplayed with his therapist during therapy

He had to be stopped from shooting a guy crawling out of a horse all because he had psychosexual rage towards his therapist and wanted to take it out on the guy he was supposed to catch

Flew to Europe to sneak around Hannibal's old property, called the scar on his stomach a 'smile' and forced Chiyoh to kill the guy she's been keeping a prisoner because he wanted to see what she would do, then turned his corpse into a grotesque art piece with no witnesses to that

He sailed to Europe and told the detective there that 'he doesn't know what he'll do when he sees Hannibal so he should be careful' ?? (brother you're there to catch Hannibal....)

He sat with Hannibal in the gallery saying the most romantic shit ever, failed to stab him and then he just let Hannibal dig the bullet out and drug him??? (you can't convince me he didn't have an ounce of energy to fight back or see that coming mr I tell the future with senses)

He started combing his hair back after Hannibal tried to saw open his brain... ok whore

He got jealous when Hannibal started admiring a serial killer

He never once complained about eating Hannibal's cooking & he KNEW it was people...

how many times did Will fantasize about getting pushed against this ladder for him to have a visceral reaction to Hannibal cornering him like this? slut, whore, harlot.

Surprise!

The Ena dream bbq brainworms got to me , so I had to make a shadowvanilla au, basically ill work on this in more detail later, but for now have this :3

What's under those robes? 👀✨️

punkflower where hobie likes to crochet in his spare time bcs it keeps his hands busy; he does it while he’s daydreaming and it’s great! it’s fun! it’s relaxing!

the problem is that he can’t stop making things related to miles.

he picks up his hook and when he looks down again he’s made a little crochet spider in red and black. he doesn’t even remember reaching for the colours.

he tries again a few days later and by the time he realises he’s daydreaming about miles’s face and miles’s hair and miles’s smile, he’s already nearly done with a loose-knit navy cardigan. he ties it off temporarily and tries it even though he already has a feeling it won’t fit properly, and he’s right.

it’s too short on him.

because he’d subconsciously made it to miles’s measurements that he’d eyeballed.

fuck.

he finishes it anyway, passes it to miles all nonchalant just to get it off his hands and off his mind but the next time they hang out miles is wearing it and hobie has to stand in the corner with his mouth shut before he puts his foot in it, because the cardigan fits perfectly and if he talks he’s absolutely going to embarrass himself. miles is laughing with his head thrown back and hobie desperately wants to kiss him.

but obviously he can’t, so he crochets more instead and it gets even worse. he’s burning through his red and blue yarn like paper; he’s made headphone accessories, keychains, beanies, a whole collection of loose-knit tops bcs he can’t get the image of miles wearing the first one out of his head.

it’s ridiculous and he drives himself up the wall with it, but he gives them to miles anyway and says they’re just practice pieces until gwen and pav ambush him in his flat and yell at him to finally fucking confess or they’ll do it for him, bcs miles is decked out in swag knitwear and they keep getting stopped on the street by strangers asking where he gets his clothes and you know what he says?

he says they’re just his friend’s test pieces. with a sad little smile.

and hobie can’t stand it anymore, because he practically CUSTOM-MADE everything, test pieces his ass. he opens a portal right to miles’s room and his heart squeezes when he sees that miles is in one of the sweaters he made, cream-coloured with a maroon star on the front, a little green knitted sprout tied to his headphones on top of his head.

miles slams his sketchbook shut, blushing like he’s been caught, and hobie walks right up to him and says, “they weren’t practice pieces.”

miles blinks at him, still clearly flustered. “o…kay?”

he soldiers on. “i made them for ya. with you in mind. by accident.” see? he opens his mouth and puts his bloody foot in it IMMEDIATELY. he fumbles to do some damage control but miles is smiling crookedly, pulling his headphones off.

“you handmade me enough things to fill half my closet… by accident.”

“yeah.”

hobie has to force himself to breathe because miles is standing up and then they’re kissing and every damn thought gets wiped clean out of his brain.

“was that by accident too?” miles asks, close enough that hobie can smell the cocoa butter he uses on his skin, something warm tucked beneath his wry smirk and hobie wants to kiss it off his damn mouth, so he does.

(afterwards, they tumble down to dinner grinning like fools. miles’s parents don’t question, and they miss gwen and pav fist-bumping just outside the window.)

Hobie and Miles’ first meeting what-if …🎸🌻

I believe in idiot4idiot love at first sight 👍