Does The Batmobile Ever Get Ticketed Or Does The GCPD Just Ignore It

Yumehara: Don’t be embarrassed to do things for your crush!

Aiura: Yeah! Whenever Kusuo wants attention he stands around looking clueless until Kuboyasu comes to mansplain to him.

Saiki: I will fucking kill you.

Bruce truly hates magic with every pump and beat of his heart.

What kinda curse is Slang, anyway?

“This is the best day of my life.”

“You thought you ate that.” Bruce physically feels a full body shiver, charged with nausea and cringe. “This is level 10 cringe. Can’t have shit in Gotham.”

Dick is his earth bound angel, but he laughs like a demon at him, holding onto Jason for support, pledging his eternal loyalty to Zatana and her pettiness.

—

“Hey, old bat, hook me up with an adrenaline shot.”

What he wants to say is Jay, do not try and fight with 6 bullets in your stomach.

What comes out instead, through Bruce’s grit teeth and intense, fierce glaring, “Not you trying to go back to your corpse era. See how I only took 2 shots? Very demure. Very mindful.”

Jason passes out from blood loss, but mostly laughter.

—

“Chat, is this real?”

Stephanie barely bites back a full belly cackle. “I think he just asked us if we copied.”

“I wish I was Jason, 15.”

—

“This is not a slay environment. Killing is flop behavior.” He keeps his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands. Trying to convince Damian not to stab someone doesn’t seem to work.

Damian gives him a pat like he’s a pitiful cat. “I’ll only stab the non lethal areas.”

“God, I wish that were me.”

Bruce: Dick, what’s this I’m hearing about you trying to send Tim to Arkham?

Dick: For the last time, I NEVER said that!

Tim: As good as!

Bruce: *disappointed dad voice* Really chum, I can’t believe you would tell your brother such a thing.

Dick: I didn’t! I just suggested therapy!

Tim: *scoffs* Yeah, in METROPOLIS.

Bruce: *Gasps*

Jason: *Gasps*

Damian: *Betrayed*

Alfred: *Too proper to gasp so loudly, but almost fumbles his antique feather duster*

Dick: Oh come on, it’s not that bad! It’s close, it’s relatively safe, and their PHDs are less likely to go rogue.

Jason: *Cover’s Damian’s ears as he backs them both out of the room, still loudly gasping in offense like the theater kid he is at heart*

Bruce: I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

Batfam Headcanon #2

So. Damian Wayne’s school recital.

First off, Damian does not want to be there. He even performs this whole dramatic speech about how performing the viola in front of a bunch of “intellectually inferior Gotham Prep students” was a waste of his talents.

Bruce, however, is thrilled. He had missed out on these sorts of milestones with Dick, Jason, and Tim for various reasons—crimefighting, estrangement, or simply bad timing. But this? This was his chance to savour the quintessential "proud dad at a school event" experience, and he was not going to squander it. He buys eight tickets—front row for the whole family, obviously. He even tells Tim to “clear your schedule” and makes Jason promise on pain of death to show up.

He doesn’t stop there though. He rents an absurdly expensive high-end video camera (the kind National Geographic use to capture footage of lions on the savannah) to record the performance in its entirety, despite Barbara pointing out that smartphones have perfectly good cameras these days, and was pacing in front of the theatre doors 30 minutes before they even opened, muttering about getting the perfect angle. As the recital begins, the Batfam does their best to blend in with the other parents, though it’s a losing battle. Especially with Jason muttering snarky comments under his breath about the less-than-stellar early performances. “If this is what passes for talent at Gotham Prep, I’m never letting Damian forget he’s related to these people.”

Damian, to his credit, looks completely calm at all this chaos. Professional, even. He’s so composed, standing there with his viola, tuning it like this was just another mission. And then he starts playing. Y’all. He was perfect. Like, annoyingly, infuriatingly perfect. Every note was precise, every movement elegant.

You could see Karen from the PTA side-eyeing Bruce like, “What kind of prodigy factory are you running?”

But here’s the thing: the minute Damian finishes, and the polite applause starts?

The Batfam absolutely loses it.

I’m talking:

Dick and Duke standing up, leading a standing ovation.

Jason yelling “THAT’S MY BABY BROTHER, YOU PEASANTS!”

Cass throwing fake confetti that she’d somehow smuggled in.

Steph shaking her homemade “GO DAMI” sign so hard the glitter was falling off

Tim also standing up to applaud, completely forgetting about the phone on his lap live-streaming the whole thing to Alfred back home, ruining the video completely

Barbara’s reaction being the perfect mix of affection, amusement and calm.

Bruce clapping so loudly it echoed through the whole auditorium.

Damian’s ears? Fire engine red. He storms off stage like, “You’re all the worst. I’m disowning every single one of you.” BUT. Later that night, Tim catches him sneaking the recital signup sheet for next year off the fridge. He totally signed up again. Because deep down, he knows that no matter how irritating they are, the Batfam were always going to be the loudest cheer squad in Gotham

And perhaps, just perhaps, he didn’t mind that as much as he claimed.

Bruce coming up to Dick and Tim (Jason isn't at the manor), they just point at Damian. Damian was learning from Alfred and Jason to impress Jon 😉

(Anyone currently running a batfam socmed AU feel free to steal this 💜)

Stupid headcanon based on myself

Peters phone dings and he asked Tony to read the text for him

Tony confused: "who is 'big balls man'???"

Peter casually: "oh that's Ned"

Tony: "what the- 'autistic weed dealer'?? Who tf-?"

Peter: "that's MJ"

Tony blinking confused: "istg if you named Romanoff 'mommy'-"

Peter: "no that's loki- Ms Romanoff is 'terrifier 3'"

Tony:

Peter:

Tony: "what the fuck are these names kid-?? WHO IS 'INTERGALACTIC CUMSOCK'!?"

Peter: "that's Thor"

Tony: "WHAT'S MY NAME??"

Peter: "just Mr stark with the chair emoji"

Tony:

Peter:

Tony offended: "that is so not fair-"

Jason doesn't get to announce his revival dramatically because Talia decides to be petty (she is her father's daughter, alright) and randomly sends Jason's photo with little Damian to Bruce in a random Monday.

Bruce: (minding his business)

Talia, messaging in the middle of the day: Beloved. Look at our beautiful sons.

Talia: (sends a photo of Jason reading little Damian a book while he drools)

Bruce, with his eye twitching: IS THAT JASON?

Bruce: SONS?

Bruce: TALIA?

Talia, turning her phone to Jason: A family photoshoot would ruin him completely. I'm just saying.

Jason, staring at the screen: ...

Jason: Call Ra's. We are doing the sweetest family photoshoot this world had ever seen. I need the old man to get a stroke.

Talia: ...I sense like I made some mistake here.

They ship printed photos of this photoshoot directly to Wayne Manor in the various copies. Jason brings little Damian to his father in a few weeks and announces that he himself will stay only for a short amount of time before returning to "grandpa Ra's." Bruce locks up all doors and forbids anyone from leaving it. .

mmm WIP

Interviewer, catching Damian in costume: Robin! Can you explain the process of picking up Robin or passing on the mantle?

Damian, mildly annoyed at Bruce at the moment: It's quite simple. Batmam steals young children from their bed, usually nine or ten or so. Then he takes you to his lair and give you a deal.

Damian: If you can beat him in a game of your choosing, he will train you to be Robin. If you lose, you are eaten. I beat him in a classic fencing game. He's quite good with swords, but he wasn't very good with the sport itself.

Tim, standing next to him: Yeah, I beat him at a memory card game. I like totally cheated, but I'm too old for him to eat now, so ot doesn't matter.

Damian, nodding: Yes. The worst part of the job is disposing of failed Robins bones. He usually sucks them clean and leaves them all over the floor.

Tim: Yeah, its messy. But after you hit, like 15 he stops trying to eat you, so that's cool.

Damian: I have not yet reached 15. I'm still in danger. If you have more questions, ask Nightwing, as he was the first to avoid being eaten.

-

Same interviewer, at a different date: Mr. Nightwing. Is it true Batman tries to eat potential Robins?

Dick, who has no idea what she's taking about: Yeah, it's really scary. His jaw unhinges like a snake.