Cancer Is Exhausting. I Refuse To Quit Trying To Improve, But I Often Feel Like I’m Trying To Defy
Cancer is exhausting. I refuse to quit trying to improve, but I often feel like I’m trying to defy everything. My life has become such a blur, and now (one good thing) is that I’m hungry until I can eat no more and then get nauseous and it becomes one evil loop.
I’m one of those stubborn people who at least like to fool myself into thinking I can do everything by myself, but I know that’s not true. There is no game when you’re alone. It’s just you (me) and my lonely thoughts. I often keep the TV on for background noise (and then I find myself passionately agreeing or disagreeing about whatever they’re saying). And for the record, I refuse to watch Fox News because they’re usually so out there, but I do find myself watching Fox Business at night. How I digressed from cancer to loud TV only the good Lord knows. (There are some things I just don’t want to know!)
More Posts from Max39211 and Others
I’m a big country kid who grew up in small cities. Living near the water has opened my eyes to how I think God experienced life, and looking up at the stars like this image (from NASA or ESA) helps open my eyes to that beauty. … Beauty and wonder for me was escaping my house and escaping into the woods. For my brother it was much the same. He went farther than I did. He always does.
Play ball!
It’s been awhile, but I welcome back Spring Training! Go Bravos!
Cycles
For me, the pains associated with cancer come in cycles. I’ll feel good for a few days, and then I’ll crash on the weekend. It’s a nice metaphorical picture, but throwing up first thing in the morning feels like a never-ending journey. I heard a nurse talking about which was worse: nausea or pain. I’d say it’s a tie; one brings the other.
Not much aqui tambien
If you’re not into wall-to-wall coverage of the coronavirus, there’s soaps, reruns and talk shows to watch on TV. So would I sound like an ingrate if I complain about that? These days I wonder whether we’ll ever be able to complain about anything, which makes me wonder whether free speech is dead, which makes me sad and sends me back to a soap opera where the world keeps turning.
Walking in a dream-ish
Who won that game last night? I wore myself out after the super show. #sarcasm #deadpan #IDidNotFlushMyDreamsToiletPaper
Questions
These would be some of the first questions I would ask you:
1. What is your relationship with God?
2. How many cats do you have?
3. What are their names?
4. What is (are) your favorite kind(s) of food?
5. If you had one wish (and couldn’t ask for more wishes), what would it be?
I named this after the cartoon I wasn’t allowed to watch as a kid. It’s inspired by really smart women. Y’all are amazing!
I’m ahead of schedule for once, so I’m posting this extra mix. We’re all in need of a boost these days.
Coming late tonight ...
Libby sleeping.
Something new I penned ...
The day I left in the rain
I have many “worsts,” but the night where I left you in the rain gives me chills and my stomach knots just thinking about it.
I remember that I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay and find a way to make everything all right.
I was hurt when you tore my heart to pieces and slammed it on the pavement.
The next day, though, I was thankful to have been with you just for the short time we were together. (I had planned to pop the question the weekend after we broke up.)
Now I just want to find a way to jump to the end and see if what I think is what actually will be. (My mother says I’m putting the cart before the horse, which is true, but I feel pressed for time.)
I could live without you, but just typing those words made me cry, so I know what the real answer is: My life is not complete without you.
I’ve imagined it in many different ways. They all involve sunlight.
