“Some People Care Too Much. I Think It’s Called Love.”

you're still scum

even if I did have a few facts confused.

*your

self-loathing to self-awareness

I am 24 years old, and there are a few things I wish someone had told me 10 years ago. To the girl I was at 14: You don’t realize it yet, but you are easily in the top five of prettiest girls in your class and I’ll tell you why. I know you hate it that your parents won’t let you wear make up but it’s good for you. All those girls that intimidate you with their eye liner and push up bras, remember that that’s all they have on you. Your beauty doesn’t wash off with expensive make up remover, your beauty just is. You don’t realize it yet, but looks don’t matter as much as you think they do. Yes, people will always be shallow and more likely to approach you because of you’re beauty but you are so much more than blue eyes and boobs. You are smart, and you are funny. You are kind, and you are genuine. You don’t realize it yet, but those boys aren’t coming through your window because they enjoy your company. Although you are all the things I’ve already said, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t selfish masochistic pricks in the world that only want one thing from you. You don’t realize it yet, but you don’t owe them that one thing, or anything for that matter. No means no. There are decent human beings in the world that would enjoy your company, you just have to be willing to let people get to know you. You also have to be willing to get to know them. Friendship is a two way street. You don’t realize it yet, but your parents are right. They tell you not to hang out with that friend because they see their intent before your growing mind can grasp it. You don’t realize it yet, but there’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to wait around for someone to love you enough to fix you, you need to love yourself enough to be patient. You don’t realize it yet, but high school really will mean nothing to you eventually. No one cares about who you sat by in homeroom and more importantly, you’ll stop caring about it too. You don’t realize it yet, but you’re not stupid. That boy you’re with will continue to tell you that you are for the next 5 years but it’s not true. As a matter of fact, you’ll come to realize that you’ve always been smarter than him. You don’t realize it yet, but cutting yourself doesn’t solve anything. It is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Sex, drugs, and alcohol won’t solve anything either. Trust me on this one. You are worthy of love, especially from yourself. And finally, you don’t realize it yet, but you don’t have all the answers. You never will.

As I wrote this I’ve realize how much I’ve grown over the past 10 years. And that’s because I lived the life I did and learned from it. I’m glad I can’t go back in time to give my 14 year self a pep talk because otherwise I might not have accomplished all that I did. We do recover and I am grateful for all the tears I’ve cried because it was that, that led up to be finally being able to fall asleep content at night. The nightmares are few and far between. I am able to help other young women see their own worth today, which means that none of that pain was in vain. I love you but more important than that, I love myself.

Allow me to introduce ourselves

I’ll give a quick introduction, although I don’t particularly feel like it. My name is Maggie. I’m a newlywed with 3.5 years clean. I’m in recovery from drug addiction but I’ve spent most of my life being addicted to one thing or another. Most days, I still live on the “pink cloud” discusses in many Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I believe in God, but I won’t argue with you. I am a proud member of Narcotics Anonymous. I’m a college student by day and an underwater preformed by night. I’m a mermaid at the aquarium here in Nashville. We preform shows in tails to Disney songs underwater. I wait tables there too from time to time. I’ve had three tumblrs in my life time. The first one was found by my at the time girlfriend’s mother. I had to delete it due to the honesty it housed. The second one I had from then until 2016 when I was locked out of it because of the an email change. I’ve written both yahoo and tumblr regarding the issue to no avail. I plan on reblogging all my previous text entries to this tumblr so I can save them for memory. This is my third one. I believe my pain was in vain if I don’t use it to help others. Please, if you need/want anything, don’t hesitate to contact me. I will now post this text and begin another one about the day I’ve had.

“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.”

— Jane Austen, Jane Austen’s Letters

We went cliff jumping/diving, again. I climbed a tree and it was fucking epic. That is all.

Turn out the lights. I’ll love you until you love yourself.

“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.”

— Zora Neale Hurston (via clash-official)

rinse, repeat

Reading over last nights entry I am reminded of how familiar some if it sounds. I’ve always been known to write about a guy in my life. I’ve always been known to have a guy in my life. How ignorant I must sound to anyone who has paid any attention. Either way my feelings haven’t changed for the man currently in my life. He has taken the time to nurse me back to health, if you will. Telling me to lift my head up when I walk, that it’s okay to look people in the eyes, and reminding me that I do have opinions and it’s okay if they don’t run parallel to his or anyone else’s. He knows more about me than anyone, thus far. He tells me it wasn’t my fault, that no meant no and I don’t need to ask forgiveness for something that wasn’t my fault. He tells me when I’m wrong and when I’m right. He is my advocate and I plan to be his if I’m ever positioned to be. This is all too mushy, I’m just saying I know I sound naive, but I’m happy with him. See, I told you everything would be better in the morning.

envy

I’m so selfish, I know. I don’t ask for much, really. Just time, your time. All I do is work and anticipate your arrival. It’s not your fault that I require so much. I wish you could see what I see. I am grateful, of course, for the joy I’ve found in being in a relationship with you. Physically, and emotionally. I see you so occupied. I long for some type of fulfilment, other than your touch. I am old enough now to know that giving someone all of myself leaves me with not much to work with. I get so frustrated because I really know no other way. It’s all or nothing. Love or hate. Yours or mine. I’ve never been very good at sharing my attention, not that I have anyone I need/want to share it with. I know I’m just sitting here alone, feeling sorry for myself but damn. I need something else in my life. I can’t rely so much on him. I can’t rely on a substance for entertainment. I can only write for so long about so much. Sometimes I want to get away from myself. Escape. To where? I don’t know. What do I need to escape from, though? I have a happy relationship, nine months clean, loving parents, a job, a home. What more could I ask for? What am I even looking for? I know I need to attend more meetings. I have told myself that anything I have to say is too intimate for the public that is Narcotics Anonymous. So, I go and sit in silence. Although competent and content, it just isn’t enough. I will feel better in the morning. I always do. I could sit here and sulk all night. I am blessed with the money I’m making this week. I am blessed with the upcoming opportunity to start a new medication with 90% success rate. While nervous and almost reluctant, it is a blessing. I just pray my insurance will cover it. There is no way I’ll be able to afford it otherwise. It’s something that keeps me up at night. I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I want to touch and be touched, without having to think twice. I haven’t said much the past few months. I tried to make myself write on paper. I am better. I just suddenly became so frustrated I didn’t want to get off the couch. I want to feel like I am saying this all to someone other than myself. That’s just it. I want someone to say this to. Someone who wants to hear about my day. I want to hear about their day. My boyfriend does all this for me but it seems I need another outlet. He had so many people looking up to him. So many people that want to hear what he has to say. He shares his attention with me and the many others in his life. So, when he is spending time thinking of others I lay inches away from him patiently waiting to be at the top of the list for a few more minutes. He is everything I need and more. I don’t deserve him or what he does for me. I just feel, I don’t know, alone. And that is fucked up. I live with the most remarkable human being I’ve ever met and I still find myself making “accidental” movements just so he will look my way. Maybe that’s love, maybe it’s obsession, either way it’s there and I must find my own way of making the most of what he is to me. In the end, I think I’m just envious of him and his time. He is so praised in our community, he loves and is loved. I, by choice, am as far back in the shadows as one can exist, all things considered. I don’t know how to interact normal. Fearless and delighted. Furthermore, who doesn’t want attention from their significant other? Sociopaths. I’m beginning to ramble so let me just tell you what has been going on. I moved out of the halfway house and got an apartment with my seemingly heaven sent boyfriend. I am a few days short of nine months clean. I am being promoted at work. I have began to seek treatment for the damage I did to myself while using. I was asked to speak at a fundraiser which may not sound like a big deal but it has been a milestone in my life for the maturity I am having to take on. Running out of excused for misbehaving. My family is a wreck but they love and accept me, as I do them. My eyes are beginning to burn.