You're Still Scum

What is it like to have a best friend?

I’ve wondered that my entire life. It appears I expect too much. My best friend’s exhusband was just released from jail. She’s back hanging on his every word which means I’m lucky to get a text back. I’m used to it by now. He leaves: she’s mine. He comes back: he’s hers. My sponsor says I’m begin selfish about the entire situation. I’ve cried with her over how much of a shitbag he is for years now. I feel it’s only normal for me to grow tired of this cycle. When I analyze why I feel such a resentment towards his release, I do find that it’s rooted in jealousy. Jealous, at its core, is a selfish emotion. Great. I’m selfish. Now, what? Why do I require so much attention? Mary Ann didn’t invite me out tonight or last night. Kennie leigh didn’t tell me she was going to Chicago. Why does that make me feel like I’m not good enough? One might argue that after I learn to love myself I won’t need so many people to prove to me that they love me. Sure. I’ll buy that. But why then, after three and a half years of step work, prayer, and meetings, do I still feel as alone as I did from the start? I have a theory, one the usually proves true. I’ll start my period next week. Wild emotions always show their colors the week before my period. So much so, that I can’t remember how I felt before. Did Maryann’s absence of an invitation bother me last week? I’m honestly not sure. That’s what’s so bizzare about mental illness, if that’s what this is. I heard in a meeting Thursday that the most insidious characteristic of the disease of addiction is its ability to convince you you’re not sick. When you have cancer, your white blood cell count proves your sick. The weakness in your limbs reminds you constantly that you need medication. Addiction turns a bad day into a bad life in an instance. After an hour, you’ve convinced yourself that you were never sick to begin with, you’re just equipped with faulty machinery that will never function properly, despite the maintenance. On contraire, the truth is cancer patients need chemotherapy, and addicts need one another.

Tomorrow, or maybe next week, I’ll find humor in how hopeless I’m feeling right now, but what do I do in the mean time? Hang on, of course. Don’t use. That’s not even on the radar. Pray, always. I just want a group of people that are going to surround me for years to come, people that never make me question their love for me, people that rejoice and cry with me, people that don’t hurt me. Maybe, that’s the answer! Maybe that doesn’t exist. If I am asking for people who provide divine friendship, I’m not really asking for people, am I?

This is what I’ve missed about an online journal. Sometimes, I’m too tired or lazy to go sit under a lamp and put pencil to paper. It’s not often that I’m too lazy to stare at my phone. Here I am, laying next to husband of 20 days, in a dark bedroom, at 11pm, pouring my heart out to God, myself, and whoever else cares to listen.

How intriguing! That last sentence alone gave me enough gratitude to lift my chin from the dust. Even if it only lasts a moment, I’m reminded of how blessed I am. My bed is so comfortable. There’s a clock sitting on my dresser so I can tell the time at all hours of the night. That’s important, you see, because for a long time, it didn’t matter what the time was. As a matter of fact there were only two times in my previous life. If I was well, it was time to scheme money for when I inevitably became dope sick. If I was sick, it was time cop dope. It didn’t matter if the sun was out or not. It didn’t matter if I had money or not. It didn’t matter if I had been asleep yet. There was never enough daylight, money, or sleep to make up for the way I was living my life.

There’s my answer. It doesn’t matter what it feels like to have a best friend. That’s not why I’m here. I’m here to make this world a better place. I don’t need a best friend to do that. I need gratitude and God. As long as I have that, I’ve received more than I was promised. The promise Narcotics Anonymous gave me was that I would have freedom from active addiction. That’s it. It doesn’t matter if I get into nursing school. It doesn’t matter if I’m respected. That’s not what I’m after. All I ever dreamed for was the desire to live. Tonight, I have so much more than that.

Surprise, Tumblr, I have braces! Hopefully, I will have them off in ten weeks (making it four years that I’ve had them) and I will actually smile in public without having to think twice. My point is, look at the purple flowers!

get out

I don’t like to shake. I don’t know why I always do.  Maybe it’s my heart or my asthma.  Either way I’d like to fix it.

It’s sad he got kicked out, but it makes me understand why I haven’t heard from him.  Mom was sweet offering our couch to him.  He’s got a lot going on inside.  He tries to hide it, but I see it.

Whyyy don’t you text me?

I didn’t expect you to reply, but it was nice talking to you.

God interviens right at the perfect time, which is good but not very much fun for little wild children.

I still don’t get you.  I know that I could get you talking if I really wanted to, but one, I don’t want to do things the way I used to; I like it happenstance, that way, it’s not my fault; and two, if I am too bold, it’s a temptation for him to revert to his insticntive boyish way, which is not what I need right now.  So, I’ll let him to the talking.  It makes things really slow but it’s me being somewhat careful.  So, we’ll see.

I need to stop looking at your pictures.  They can be infectious.

I want to, but I don’t feel like explaining myself, and they will see it.

Old friend, maybe I’ll give oneee more try.

I wonder if I’m strong enough to continue these friendships.  I don’t believe she’s changed.  I think she’d maybe think twice about doing it again but that wouldn’t be enough to stop her.  At first, going back was absolutely unthinkable.  The thought of it was sickening.  Then, I gave it a try.  It was still really hard but I bit my lip swallowed my pride and did it.  It was easier on everyone.  So for a little while, I just tried my very best to forget it ever happened.  That worked for about two months.  But it’s back again.  It gets worse everyday.  Sometimes such hatred boils beneath my skin that I never want to see her or anyone that reminds me of her ever again.  Which may not sound like a big deal but it is, to me at least.  He was wrong as well, but I have to remember he was single and half way convinced we wouldn’t get back together.  It was wrong for him to go after a friend of mine, but she threw herself at him.  But, how could they?  I laid sick in bed for months and they had a hay day faking love because I wasn’t around to give it.  After everything I've done for them, after everything we’ve been through.  I’m a pretty shady person, but I would never, ever, do that to anyone.  This has changed me.  It’s made me crazy.  My outlook on what’s “okay” and what’s not is twisted.  I feel that no matter what I do it will not add up to what they do.  Therefore, ruthless wrecklessness is as good as innocence to me.  I lie, because it them who took my truth and used it against me.  When I’m alone I convince myself that payback will make me feel better.  Maybe one day it will but so far that hasn’t worked.  And what’s wild is that they still have the nerve to speak to eachother in front of me.  God knows what they do when they have a few minutes alone, though I do my best to make sure that never happens.  After what they did to me, they are still comfortable speaking?  They should be ashamed.  They should feel awful for even glancing in eachother direction.  Anyway, my point is the way I live life now, I will never be able to escape them.  And I’m beginning to wonder how much longer I can stand this.  It’s madness.  It’s making me mad.  And the only solutions would drastically change everything I’ve ever known.  I hate you.

Maybe, everything is okay and I’m just thinking too much.  Trying to find a problem so that I can runaway again.  One of the songs he wrote a while ago said, “you runaway like you’ve got nothing to lose”.  I know that his last name makes me lucky to be associated with him in some places and he’s crazy talented but am I better than this?  Am I better than the way I’ve been treated by him and his family?  Part of me says I deserve less and wants no one.  The other part is convince I need something else.  Someone else.  He doesn’t hear me.  He doesn’t take me seriously.  He makes fun of the things I love, writing, my music, etc.  He thinks I owe him so much, and maybe I do but he’s such a pusher.  I’m not stupid.  But then theres how cute he is, how smart he is, just the way he is, I love it.  We’ve fought so hard for this, why throw it all away?  He swears to love me, and I swear the same but I just want to know what’s right, what’s best.

I wish I could move out without offending my parents.  I’m beginning to think I need it.

I’m beginning to have trouble breathing again.

Let's give this one more try.

My last tumblr was abrubtly exposed my a friend of mine’s mother.  She’s always in their business.  So to avoid any nonsense about things I had written I deleted mine as soon as she started questioning it.  My friend and her sister stopped using it. They didn’t see any point in it with their mother checking up on it everyday.  I’ve given it a while to cool down and so far I’ve seen no sign of her or them here.  So, I signed on to a new tumblr.  Hi.  Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

“That was the thing about secrets—you had to carry them with you forever, no matter what the cost.”

— Kass Morgan, The 100

dry

I’ve been writing in my journal lately. I find it healthy, however, I find it necessary to also keep my tumblr updated. With that said, my life is one casualty after another. Perhaps that’s an exaggeration. Allow me to explain. I have yet to move back home, just stalling really. I know that when I get moved back in nothing will have changed. I’ll be put in the middle of my parents marriage. I’ll be required to do everything around the house because apparently, my sister is too sensitive to be upset at all. The lady is still in my life. My hands are dry and I want a cigarette.

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

— Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

connect

Tonight my rich friend Jenn was supposed to do her buy with Big Sam. She said she wasn’t feeling well and the bank wouldn’t let her withdrawal the remaining 700$she needed in order to have the full amount. Jessie notified Sam and he his so pissed. Jess said we might have lost a good connect over this. He is definitely a good person to have on your side but they come and go. I doubt I’ll feel the same way when it the time come that I need something. We rescheduled for tomorrow. That should make us about 175$. I hope she gets me this job. 11.50$ an hour is really good for me. Especially considering it’ll be a normal 9-5 job. I’m meeting Jenn when she gets off work at Pat’s and were going to hang out there until the boys get off work. She’s seven years older than me and calls me her “bestie”. I never quite liked that word. I wonder if she’s sure of my age. I suppose I seem mature to her somehow? I’m not though, just old souled. Dear God, please keep Jessie out of jail. Thank you. I love you, amen. I’ve been speeding about five nights a week at Jessie’s. I’ve really started to get comfortable with the long term idea. I just want to wait until I have a job. I don’t like having to ask Jess for money every time I want something, which is unfortunately often. I just got an idea, love you bye.

I decided I’m going to try to start making more gratitude lists. I can’t decide how I’m going to do it but today started with ten things. The things I listed are things thast I am grateful everyday, and always will be as long as those things remain in my life. My hope is to perhaps name ten things periodically and never say the same thing consecutively. For example, on the first one I just posted, I mentioned my boyfriend. On my next list, I will not say my boyfriend. That way, I’m not taking the easy way out by restating the same things towards each attempt of remaining grateful. We’ll see how long it lasts, if it lasts at all. I spoke at Cumberland Heights (a rehab in the Nashville area) Wednesday. I didn’t plan on speaking. The plan was to tag along to learn about H and I (hospitals and instituations). The women originally chosen to speak couldn’t make it so I was asked to take her place. I was so nervous. I was afraid I would bring the wrong message. For all I know, that meeting could have been the first time some of them had ever even heard of NA. I wanted people to be attracted to the program. It, among other things, has saved my life, and contionues to do so on a daily basis. I was also nervous because of the public speaking part of it, of course. Standing on a stage in front of upwards of 60 people speaking is uncomfortable. I spoke entirely too fast, and not long enough. There was one girl in the crowd particularly that I hoped to reach. She ended up asking for my nunmber, so hopefully I said something that touched her in someway. Even if I only helped one person, that’s still enough. My boyfriend and I had an interesting conversation earlier. We talked about what we would do if one of us started using. It is suggested, of course, that you don’t date another addict when they are using. The point we made is, if we love one another how can you just turn your back on them? Fortunately for us, we don’t have to figure that out today. He is struggling in his recovery. It frustrates me that he doesn’t follow suggestions but I am learning to let him work his program while I work mine, seperately. It’s much easier said than done. He knows what to do and won’t do it. With that being said, I want to lose weight and haven’t done anything about it. So, I’ll just pray about it. My parents, boyfriend, and I went out to dinner tonight. IT was in honor of my late birthday and my parents’ anniversary. I was able to pay for their dinner tonight. As reluctant as they were to let me do it, I am so grateful to have the ability to do that today. That’s all I have to say for now.

write first

Usually, I scroll through tumblr to look at what’s been posted since I last wrote. I do this with the intent of writing afterwards, but I never make it that far. I’m doing it backwards this time. Write first then reward myself with scrolling.

I’m here to catch up, I think. I still haven’t heard anything from APSU. I have not reason to panic for another 20 days. The application said acceptance letters would be sent out on or before June 15. I did find out that I have the necessary credits to graduate with my Associate in Science from VolState. I take my exit exams Tuesday. It will be so lovely to finally have something to show for the last 2.5 years. I can’t really achieve much with that degree but it’s imagine it still looks nice on your resume.

I picked up Layla (step daughter) after work today. We have her for the half of summer. She lied to me a few moments ago. I had to tell her to cut her TV off. The remorse in her voice is almost too much to bear. I see why Justin (husband) has a hard time disciplining her. I’m exited to have her this summer. She’s going to church camp and swimming lessons though so that will take some time from us.

Nancy and Jim are still together. They began paying for a ring. I can’t exactly tell who’s being distanct, me or her. I think it’s both but more heavily on me. I chose to stay with her through this. I need to make the effort to do that.

Justin starts a new job next week. He will be back on days. We are overjoyed. I just pray this job works out well. I hope he loves it and I hope they love him enough to take care of him if the buyout doesn’t end well.

I thought I had more to say.