We Look At People Who Leave Relationships Like They’re Monsters Like How Could You Just Decide You

“How to tell if somebody is genuinely interested in you: If you removed all of your effort from the equation would any communication remain between you? If not, there is nothing there and you deserve better.”

— Beau Taplin

I’m sick of flinching when people move. I’m sick of panic attacks in public because I thought I saw your face. I want to sleep but nightmares haunt my slumber and keep me awake. YOU may not have put your hands on me but there are people who have. You never touched me, you just scream and rave and threaten and starve me. I still remember hiding the bruises. Long sleeved shirts in summer and knowing stares. Head down, curl in, be small, make no noise. These habits have stayed with me.

Abuser: Yells at me about how I’m immature or “too old” to be doing x thing

Me: But it’s okay for you, a grown adult, to throw tantrums, slam things, and yell at me about stupid and miniscule bullshit?

Ugh I hate the whole “kids these days don’t have any respect my parents beat me and I learned RESPECT” and it’s like ok I grew up in a very strict house where physical and mental punishments were handed out frequently and this is what I learned

-How to lie really well even about ridiculous little things because I was never sure if the truth would get me in trouble

-How to over analyze the body language and tones of voice of everyone around me because I was taught people can snap at any moment and you have to be hyper-aware of your surroundings and the reactions of people

-How to push others in front of me so I could avoid getting hurt

-How to push myself in front of others to protect them from getting hurt

-How to “build alliances” with people toward temporary goals meanwhile knowing at any moment you might have to turn your “ally” in so you can escape punishment

-How to not ever attempt to do things because failure is way way way worse than not attempting

-How to mold myself into a moment so I can become a completely different person depending on the reactions of people around me.

Like knowing these things aren’t worth any level of “respect” I may have accidentally been taught while living in fear of the adults who were meant to care for and protect me. 

it’s completely acceptable to stay alive for tiny reasons. because you want to hear your favorite song one more time. because your dog will miss you if you leave. because the moon is just too pretty to never see again. because you haven’t seen the next season of a really good tv show. because you want to see the christmas lights this year. if you’re alive, you’re doing enough. if you’re surviving, i’m proud of you.

the most horrifying thing to hear as a person who has suffered abuse from their parents, is when people say that you resemble one of them.

i hate looking in the mirror and seeing my dads facial features. so much that i am saving up for plastic surgery, because i can only be beautiful, once people see no resemblance between my abuser and me.

“You make me feel things. Things I locked away. Things I didn’t think possible, To feel again. You make me feel, Like we’re stuck in a moment, Hidden from time. Stolen hours even days, Feel like mere minute as they rush by. You make me forget, All my worries, And the unwilling commitments, The world has put in my path. You make me remember how it feels to truly laugh.”

—

“Of course I knew. But it was my mind that knew, and it was my heart that was making the decisions.”

— Poetry At Most

“It’s like when you read a novel and you’re so captivated by it that you don’t even realize you’re approaching the end of it until there are no more pages to turn. You’re left with this dreadful emptiness and aren’t quite sure what to do with yourself because while the book is finished, the story is living on inside of you.”

— This is what breaking up feels like - Jess Amelia 

Im still hoping its you and me in the end.

(via little-random-thoughts)