Everything Reminds Me Of Him (jude St Francis)

It just downed on me that Jude died in the summer.

“Jude’s season”

october 22, 2023

I just read the first chapter of the “axiom of equality” part of a little life and dude I’m really reconsidering the way I view life as a whole.

x=x, yes Jude, I feel you so fucking much, all my life I felt like I wouldn’t surpass this feeling of being wrong, the wrongdoings of my childhood, my mistakes and mistakes of others done to me haunt me every single moment of my days, maybe If I were funnier, maybe I if worked on my weight a little harder it would disappear, what did I do to deserve so much hate from others as a kid? to experience the heavy bullying? why should it stain my memory like a wine stained carpet? (you get used to it but it’s never really clean, this metaphor worked in my head so please bear with it). and Caleb, man I’ve met so many fucking Calebs in my life, people i trusted at first sight, thought it could work just to be utterly disappointed at the outcome.

“you’re not your past”, easier said than done.

it’s 3:15 a.m where I live as i’m writing this and I doubt i’ll be able to afford a good night of sleep due the mental state i find myself in. I haven’t cried once while reading this book, maybe it’s because I see so much of myself in these characters that I’m just perplexed and angry, at myself, at others who made me feel like a complete piece of shit my whole life, at the JB’s, cause we all have that one friend that, at some point, made fun of our insecurities and left us feeling like garbage.

read “a little life” by Hanya Yanagihara, i promise it’ll change you and the way you interpret life and others (and i haven’t even finished it yet)

jb if he was given responsibility over titling the chapters:

A 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 Life👅

Lispenard 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴

The 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴man👅

Vanities

Axiom of 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴s

The happy 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴s

Dear 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴👅

Lispenard 𝓕𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴 2

someone said that they miss Jude, but I don't miss him I take him everywhere I go, I let him wander in my mind all the time, it's like I have him with me in some form or the another everywhere

"The only person who sees Jude for exactly who he is, is Malcolm..." "..and Jude hates him for it, Jude resents him for it.." "..the interventions Malcolm makes in his home."

- Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life Play interview

"Willem's flaw is pretending....." "when you're having sex with someone, you can usually tell when they're not enjoying it.."

(indirect, Hanya's words, yet not in the interview ; "Harold's greatest flaw is not trying hard enough. He has compassion and love for those in his life, but he should have gone further."

"Andy, simply, is a bad doctor.")

auuuuuGHHHH the old man in Rome. Harold being so happy that Jude is recognized as his son by others even when they don't look anything alike, but the love is so clear and so vivid that people can just tell. Like when Harold was telling Liesl about adopting Jude and she can just tell how much he loves him that she says "You love him a lot" bc Harold loves so freely and so intensely and so unconditionally and his love shines out of him like warm rays of sun

And also the old man teasing Harold for being so plain but having such a beautiful wife and handsome son,,,,,,,,,,justice for Harold Stein

literally and the way harold and jude just fit, so well so that people think they’re biologically related. :(

Do you ever wonder if Jude's aversion to having his photo taken wasn't just because of self-consciousness but rather because of how the clients would take humilating photos/videos of him?

snoopy read a little life... thoughts and prayers

Friendly reminder that this is how Andy and Jude greet each other every time 💜