Dick: Does Anyone Have Any Suggestions?

Dick was the last to be adopted, Jason became the black sheep post-resurrection, Tim made himself Robin, Damian was dropped in Gotham after ten years of being kept secret, Cass possesses killer instincts that run counter to Batman's philosophy, Duke is a meta whose parents are still alive (albeit jokerized), and Steph has zero legal connections to the Waynes. All of the batkids have reason to believe they're the only one Bruce doesn't want around and Bruce is unaware of the problem because they don't vocalize it not just out of the usual emotional constipation, but also a deep-seated fear of being proven right. In this essay, I will—

when jason died, they buried him with the possessions that he carried on him all the time. there was a pocket knife tucked into his sock, the bracelet on his wrist from catherine that he never took off, a tangled pair of earbuds in his back pocket, and, in the top pocket of his jacket, the cellphone that bruce bought for him after he was adopted.

that cellphone stayed with jason in his grave. went with him when he dug his way out. somehow stayed on his person when he was taken by the league, and he managed to convince talia to let him keep it throughout all his training.

he doesn’t know why, maybe as a grief thing or maybe just because bruce forgot and it’s not like the bill effected him in any way, but he never stopped paying jason’s phone bill. his number’s still active, still working after all this time. even weirder, but dick started adopting the tradition of adding his dead brother’s phone number to each and every family group chat any of them created after ethiopia. again, jason doesn’t know why. maybe it was dick’s way of carrying his memory with them; including him in family conversations even if they all thought the number was connected to a long buried phone in the pocket of a long dead boy.

the point is that jason wasn’t dead any more. and all throughout his time at the league, he gets to watch the family chats. the mission statuses, the arguments, the rapid spiral every chat went through where they started off using it as a serious bat communication centre only for dick or tim to send a meme and instantly spiral into nothing but chaos that bruce would neither take part in or attempt to stop. jason spectates it all, always fingering the keypad but never actually typing out a message. he came close when there was a heated debate between steph and dick about the best donut types and he knew they were both absolutely fucking wrong, but luckily tim came in to educate them on the right choice last second and jason was saved from having to reveal himself.

the closest call was when little damian got a hold of his phone, attracted to the bright colours of the block game jason had been absently playing out of boredom while ra’s droned on about whatever had pissed him off that day. he’d let the kid play, sat on his lap and eagerly jabbing at the screen, and jason had only looked away for at most a minute before he’d turned back to find the screen open on the family chat, damian having accidentally clicked on the camera button and taken a selfie of the two that he’d been about to send through. luckily, jason deleted it in time, but he became much more careful about letting the kid play with his shit after that.

this is all just a long winded explanation and backstory for and au i think would be funny where jason’s reveal is literally just him deciding to fuck with his family by randomly dropping in through text like:

-in the chat-

bruce: status report.

dick: hungry :( but good!

steph: seconded, im fine

tim: drug bust went to plan, on way back to cave uninjured

cass: ^ same answer

babs: everything seems calm from what i can tell

jason: a little claustrophobic but the coffin’s kinda homely so ig no complaints from me

.

.

.

several people are typing…

It was an accident :(((

Tim, after a long patrol, collapses onto the couch and ends up falling mostly on Dick

Jason, in a lightly mocking tone Awww, look at the sleepy baby

Dick humms and shifts, trying to get more comfortable with the extra weight

Jason grins, sees the opportunity to annoy Dick, and leans on Tim to put more pressure on Dick, stretching widely, I’m so tiiiired

Dick too tried to realize Jason is being a brat, starts patting Jason’s hair Me too man, me too

Jason who is also exhausted from patrol feels his eyelids start to droop, begins to doze on Tim unwittingly

Tim is completely unaware

Tim later wakes up trapped not only between Dick and Jason but all their other siblings have joined the pile in some way

Tim glances sideways and sees Bruce sitting in a chair

Bruce, not looking up, Alfred has already sent the photos to Barbara

Tim huffs then goes back to sleep, knowing attempting escape is futile

summer 2025, the summer of the last great american queerbait

Jason should kill the Joker and just not tell anyone. like, lets be real here, if he were to silently slip in and kill the Joker in his sleep, are any of the workers at Arkham really going to give enough of a shit to say anything??? with the paperwork they’d have to do, and the attention they’d get once the media caught wind of the break in/murder, i bet all Jason would have to do is leave like, a basket of muffins next to the dead body as a thank you and the staff would just dispose of the body and shut the fuck up about it.

i bet you he could get through a solid six to eight month period of being weirdly happy and interactive with the rest of the family before Dick finally asks why he’s been in such a good mood lately over family dinner

Jason, casually: i dunno, i guess i’ve just had a weight lifted from my shoulders; there’s less to drive me away now.

Bruce, thinking he’s finally done something right: aw Jaylad, i’m so happy you’re feeling more comfortable!

Dick, the only batkid around when Jason was Robin, remembering all the times Jason would transform into the happiest kid on the planet only for them to find out a week later it was because he’d pushed a bully down the stairs at school and fractured his wrist: hold on B.

Dick: Jay, what weight has been lifted?

Jason, still nonplussed: well i finally got my GED, and the Joker thing really calmed the lazarus rage. also Steph got me into puppy yoga, we go once a week.

Bruce:

Bruce: what Joker thing.

Jason, glancing up from his food: ? d’i not mention that? he’s dead, man.

Bruce:

Dick:

Dick: sorry, what?

Tim: why the fuck am i never invited to puppy yoga?

Bruce, having a panic attack: y- what are you talking about Jay-

Tim: i would LOVE to go to puppy yoga. what the FUCK?

Jason, shrugging: you can come to puppy yoga, replacement, it’s all good

Bruce: the Joker’s dead?

Tim: FUCK YEAH, PUPPY YOGA

Jason: i think they do it with goats too.

Damian: i would be interested in this activity.

Jason: hell yeah family yoga session

Bruce: JASON PLEASE EXPAND ON THE JOKER THING

Jason: no i don’t like your tone. anyway, dick, puppy yoga?

Dick:

Dick, glancing at Bruce’s glare nervously: …i would be down for puppy yoga

The YouTube channel anti-chef always adds an extra bay leaf to recipes that call for it and he says “and add another one. I’m not driving” and this has permanently altered my vocabulary.

Every time I add something extra to a recipe I say that now. Add another clove of garlic, I’m not driving. Let’s have two eggs, I’m not driving. Let’s double the chili flakes, I’m not driving.

can we get that episode in spanish maybe we missed something

After Bruce took Dick under his care, he actually stopped wasting time on any casual relationships - it seemed inconceivable when a little traumatized boy with unrestrained aggression and a desire to commit a capital murder was waiting for him at home. But after a few years, he thought, to hell with it, he deserved one night of good old fun. So he went to this gala concert in his best outfit, having previously arranged with Alfred to take Dick out for a short hike so that the mansion would be free during the night. And when he started looking for his "victim", he came across this charming reporter, all screaming Mr. Awkward with the broadest shoulders known to a man, and hands as warm as his smile, and Bruce, of course, takes him home. And everything goes great, only Dick returns earlier than Bruce expected, and enters his bedroom as usual without knocking.

Dick: hey B look i collected a whole basket of mushro— SUPERMAN??

Bruce, still half asleep, barely covering himself with a blanket: what

Dick: WHY IS THERE SUPERMAN IN YOUR BED.

Clark, without his glasses, his hair is combed back from the position of his head on the pillow: um

Bruce, already embarrassed and feeling like he'd failed as a guardian by letting Dick catch him the morning after: Dick what are you talking about, it's just some—

Bruce, turning to face Clark:

Bruce, paling:

Dick: THIS IS THE SUPERMAN YOU DICKHEAD WHAT IS HE DOING IN YOUR BED WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM—

Bruce: i... i don't know how to answer that

Dick, almost crying: DID YOU MAKE LOVE TO HIM WITHOUT TELLING ME—

Brucie Wayne accidentally killing the joker

This happens before Red Hood is revealed as Jason, but after he shows up. Bruce is at a gala and has been very stressed lately, which is why he was so caught off guard with the Joker arriving. A big thing about today? It’s Jason’s adoption day anniversary. Bruce is barely clinging to being good.

However, Joker has a new laughing gas that he thought would make everyone fall into a catatonic state of laughter, striking a blow against all of Gotham’s elite.

That’s what he thought it would do.

Instead, it lowered inhibitions and increased their emotions. It also reduced their ability to think things through. Doing this to Bruce, who is stressed with Red Hood making moves and Justice League stuff getting more stressful and it being the anniversary of the day he could finally welcome his beautiful boy into the family, only to be face to face with the reason he lost his kid?

It only takes one comment about the old Robin for Bruce to go feral.

He isn’t thinking things through, isn’t focused on how hard he is hitting things, or where they are moving until he’s on a balcony with the Joker, and he’s distantly aware he’s been screaming about the clown having done enough-

Everyone watches, spellbound, as Brucie Wayne, under the influence of this new gas, pitches both the Joker and himself off the balcony, twenty stories above the ground.

Red Hood catches Brucie Wayne.

No one catches the Joker.

The morning papers scream about how the Joker died from Gotham’s prince being drugged, and how the city’s new crime lord kidnapped Brucie before he could die.

Everyone in Gotham is in disarray.

Dick is panicking after seeing the headline. (He was in Bludhaven.)

Tim is cursing himself. (He was home sick with the flu.)

Jason is struggling with his emotions.

Alfred is loading his shot gun.