You Are The Prize. And If No One Has Ever Tell You That, You Are The Prize. Your Worth Is Not Dependent

we’re talking again. although i no longer have feelings for you, i don’t know what i should do. the friendship we once had is still one i remember well—our good conversations, the way you made me laugh, i didn’t forget it all. i don’t try to remember it but it was good while it lasted, and i’m okay with the way we are now. talking to you again just leaves me torned between keeping you for the sake of our friendship and cutting you off for the relationship i used to hope we would someday have and now no longer want.

— is it finally time to let you go? i know i’ll see you again someday, but it won’t be on our own accord. that’s not the kind of relationship we have. not talking to you or the opposite doesn’t really matter much. i don’t want anything more for us but it doesn’t change the nature of our relationship… we’re still friends after all.

i could have another life with you. even if it’s different from now, i still believe we can be happy. this feeling i have for you, even holding your hand makes me giddy, seeing your smile makes me happy, and knowing you love me back makes my heart beat faster than ever. i don’t ever want to let go of this feeling, and i don’t want to let go of you. in another life, in another time, in a whole different universe, i think we can still meet each other and be happy together.

— can you hear my heartbeat when i look at you? i’m searching for your face in every crowd.

marina grace

i’m scared. i’m scared of the dark. i’m scared of monsters under my bed. i’m scared of public speaking. i’m scared of seeing my friends fought for something so meaningless that our friendship broke along with it. funny that i’ve always been scared of little things and you, my best friend, told me that the scariest thing in the world is never scary and i didn’t believe you but you hugged me and told me it was okay to be scared because you’ll always be here for me. and then we grew up and you found new friends and a line of people waiting to date you and left me all alone with bad excuses because we both knew you couldn’t lie. and we drifted further apart and i stared at my phone that night, wanting to call you but didn’t, watching it slowly turn to weeks then months then years. i did some self healing then and when i saw your name on my screen for the first time in forever, i was reluctant to pick up. i did anyways, not because i wanted to renewed our already damaged friendship but because in the span of a few years, i’ve grown to move forward and stop living in the past. but from your call, i can hear the sound of loud music blasting in the back, the conversation between strangers next to you and your friends cheering and yelling and swearing. you told me you were sorry and that you still regret ending our friendship so harshly but i told you it was okay and take care of yourself because i realise now that while i worked hard to move forward, you’re still stuck in the past.

— like you said, the scariest thing in the world is never scary but the things you thought weren’t scary are.

marina grace

what would you do when you realise i no longer like you? when, instead of my attention being immediately on to you, i’m too busy with other things to care about someone that used to matter—and instead of trying to talk to you, trying to see you, staying up longer just to have your time, i’m actually just doing my own thing, caring about myself, no longer trying, no longer doing absolutely everything just to be by your side.

— how would you feel when the waves of my heart stop flowing towards you?

marina grace

if you don’t care, just don’t say anything. i don’t need your polite excuse or your fake sympathy. i don’t need your waning attention. i don’t need you to ask me how i’m doing if you can’t even pretend to attentively listen to me. don’t pretend to be my friend. don’t try to be my lover. your insincerity is showing, and i’d hate to see that as your true colours.

— don’t make me despise you even more than i do now, you’ve already tainted what’s left of all our good memories.

marina grace

there are more i wish you would say, more words spoken, more actions done and more truths told rather than sad excuses.

— your lack of words is my reminder of why i couldn’t stay.

marina grace

i saw you among the crowded street. it was a wonder how i could still spot you among the busy crowd. i tried to call your name but my voice won’t come out. i stood there and watched as the distance between us grew, wishing i could reach out to you.

— if only i had the courage to stand before you, would you have been mine?

marina grace

the words we couldn’t say— it bleeds into our silence. don’t say another word, if it’s all going to be meaningless in the end…

— if we dare to speak, i wonder if our love would hold meaning again.

marina grace

don’t tell me pretty lies and try to hold me like i’m yours.

— all i really needed from you weren’t pretty words, it was your honesty.

marina grace

you were a puzzle, an endless maze i entangled myself with. i thought i didn’t understand you because you were so unpredictable, that i have to keep figuring you out to truly know you. but the more i tangled with you, the more you slowly let me in. that was when i realised that all along, i was wrong. you weren’t a puzzle at all. i just needed you to be you with me.

— to me, you were a maze but when i’m with you, i felt like i’ve known you for a million years.

marina grace