Rewarding Myself With Getting My Nails Done When I Reach 48kg !! I Want Them Done So Bad I Need To Lose

I’ve consumed 250 calories of essentially liquid, burned 330 and have taken 15+ laxatives if I don’t shit absolutely everything out of my system and wake up a kilogram lighter istg I will jump into oncoming traffic.

I can’t do anything right. Not a single thing.

I’m actually losing my mind somebody sedate me

So I just got back from my friends 3 day birthday trip which ended up turning into a 3 day long binge episode.

3 days of eating 3,000/5,000+ calories a day, food noise making it impossible to do anything or feel any sense of enjoyment, comparing myself and how much I ate to my skinny friend which made me so fucking depressed because she barely ate anything, shamefully gorging myself on food in the bathrooms, being in excruciating pain and discomfort from being so bloated, and having no way of relieving myself of it due to not bringing laxatives and being unable to purge.

This feels like a nightmare, and now I’m home it’s gotten worse, I can’t stop and I’m hanging out with my other friends tomorrow where we have a whole Easter dinner planned. We are probably going to go swimming but I’m so fat anf bloated the thought of taking my clothes off or revealing even an inch of myself makes me want to die. I don’t know what to do, I just want to die. I hate myself so much, I’ve never felt so ashamed, disappointed and insecure in my life.

That being said I just took 8 laxatives and am probably gonna take another 10 or 12 in a couple hours, walking feels useless and honestly painful but once the laxatives start working I might try and exercise for a couple hours.

First day back restricting after a 3 day binge bender, and I plan to liquid fast for as long as possible. I don’t even know how to feel, I feel different and weird. I feel fat, I am fat, I’ve undoubtedly gained back up into the low 50kgs.

I’m so hungry but also I don’t want to eat, but also I want to eat everything but the thought of eating anything makes me feel sick. God I regret binging, I was doing so well then I had to go and fuck it up for myself and now everything feels 10x harder. I feel so lazy, it’s 3pm and I haven’t even gotten 10k steps yet.

Hopefully my mindset returns back to how it was before, and the hunger goes away.

BRO WHY DID I HAVE TO START MAINTAINING LITERALLY 0.2KG AWAY FROM MY GW WHAT THE FREAK I LITERALLY FASTED YESTERDAY AND STILL MAINTAINED

Why the fuck didn’t I just go to sleep I had a mini binge on fucking noodles and mini Easter eggs now I’m at roughly 800 cals for the day and I just want more

Genuinely debating if I should try and kms tonight to get out of work tmr because I cannot do 6 and a half hours in that hell, if I don’t does anyone else have any ideas?

Sadly still painfully bloated y’all, my mums gonna get me some medication to try flush it out but if it doesn’t work I gotta go to the doctor #prayforme

All I wanted was to OMAD a hot cross bun but ofc they are all sold out smh😔