I Hate Everything But Also Me And I Love Me? And I Am Too Much For Me To Handle And I Am Rash And I Think

meditation media

even though it's so inextricably linked to spirituality in the way i perceived it at first, i've begun to wonder of meditation and how i'm performing it. up till recently, it'd been a while since i'd been lost in a piece of art, the way i used to spend most of my time as a kid: buried in a book, and it's beginning to happen again, to my relief. art just horrifying enough (requiem for a dream) or perplexing enough (it's what's inside) or just weird (kinds of kindness) have been engaging in a sense i'd forgotten how to feel.

i'd call engaging with such art a weaker form of meditation, provided a certain degree of 'artiness' to the art as well. we see parts of ourselves in characters we see, and it teaches us things about us. would i have felt the same paralysing fear arjun felt on the battlefield? very likely, indeed. would even the geeta have helped me overcome it, could i have killed family for dharma? who knows! i was part of a conversation about reading the mahabharat at a certain stage of life (not mine), and the introspection it provides you with through the characters.

i have learned many things about me through art, it is awfully convenient to have people who are very good at verbalising feelings do the job for you. even though there is nothing new under the sun, and to a certain extent, i agree, there's always a new combination of existing stories that finds a nerve you didn't know existed. the bones may be the same, but the skin always morphs and changes and adds a certain quasi-citrus freshness to any story. maybe one day i'll graduate to actually introspecting, but for now, i'm very thankful for art for being my gandalf through middle earth.

other ask games are too sexual or romantic and i dont like that so im making my own, bitch

🫂 - i wanna hug you

🧠- i love hearing you talk. you should ramble to me more often

🫀- i love you in a deeply concerning platonic way

💿- i wanna listen to music with you in a treehouse in a summer night

🌷- i wanna shittalk people with you and just be haters together. it would be fun

🪻- you are so so cool and awesome oh my god

🌻- im proud of you

🍄- you didn't deserve what happened to you

🌵- you could stab me and i wouldnt mind as long as its you

💧- you are an important presence in my life

🍬- id go to a candy store with you and steal all the candy

🕹️- i wanna go to an arcade with you

🕰️- ill love you until the end of time, dear friend

🥊- id beat someone up with you

🌑- you worry me sometimes. just remember im here if you ever wanna talk about anything <2

♟️- you, me, board games.

🍁- im so glad you're my friend

🐚- our souls are linked in ways i cant put to words

change

the first part of changing yourself for the better is finding out the parts of yourself that you wish to improve on, and accepting them (and yourself) as they are. you can never be perfect, and that's okay. i've heard these sentences hundreds of times from different self-help sources, but you only realise that it's true when you actually feel it. you cannot hate yourself into being a better person. this ties into the conversations i've had about diets, and my personal belief that if you simply launch yourself into a hard diet (no scope for error, guilt when you can't adhere to the rules), a rebound is inevitable. love yourself, and change to a you that you wish to be (without hating the now). there's no better way. there's none healthier.

i've changed enormously over the past three years, and i don't believe i would recognise me of before too strongly, and i couldn't have done it alone. as i thanked kriti for the part she's played in this, she just told me: “it's just friendship”, and i'm always reminded of the massive debt we would owe our friends if they weren't all strictly non-transactional. i wouldn't have changed this much without my friends, and i would definitely not be the me i am. i hate all my friends that will call me out in an instant if i say something wrong, and yet i would be nowhere about them. there's no space for my ego there.

i can tally up my progress over the past three years, and almost none of it is academic. true, i did learn one very big thing: how to love what i learn, but the seeds for that already lived in me, germinating whenever i had the fortune of a good subject or a good teacher. i have learned much, much more about everything outside the classroom, challenging my understandings and beliefs. at the end of the day, a holistic me is who will be there to deal with the world. i hope i've done well with him. i hope he never stops learning how to live.

it's been in the pipeline for a while so i got around to replying to it now actually

ohh okay thought we were in the same board haha. best of luck to you too!! you'll do great i'm sure of it <33

(also realised i wasn't following you?? weird. anyway hope it's okay to send asks here)

we are not in the same board if it helps

omg skfkhsksls my irl got me to read it and i finished like a week ago but this is my first time encountering someone in the wild sllsksksks i have not read ward yet tho. so no spoilers pls

HAVE YOU READ WORM HAVE YOU HAVE YOU

HI YES I HAVE!!

hi hi do you have board exams right now too?

not rn !!! my board didn't do the split so im gonna have just one final board

best of luck to u !!! i am still studying my prelims start in a month

See what your followers think!

BLACK = I would date you. GREEN = I think you’re cute. BLUE = You are my tumblr crush. GREY = I wish you would notice me. PURPLE = I don’t talk to you but I really love your blog. TEAL = We have a lot in common. YELLOW = I don’t know you at all. ORANGE = I don’t like your blog. BROWN = I don’t like you. PINK = I think you are unattractive. RED = I hate you with a burning passion. WHITE = You scare me. RAINBOW = BED PLZ. SCARLET = You have influenced my decision/thoughts on something. MAROON = You taught me something new. CINNAMON = You’re a really cool person and admire you from afar. PERIWINKLE = You make me laugh MAUVE = You are really talented BLUSH = Seeing you on my dash makes my day a little better. CYAN = We have very little in common THISTLE = I only just started following you INDIGO = I’ve been following you for a long time FUCHSIA = Your blog content is gold COPPER = Your blog content is trash (and I love it) VERMILION = You make me feel passionate HONEYDEW = I want to call you by a nickname LAVENDER = You inspire me CORAL = You’re a meme UMBER = I want to know more about you FORGET-ME-NOT = You remind me of somebody RAZZMATAZZ = I would share my favorite food with you ARSENIC = I don’t know how to describe the way I feel about you WINE = You make me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class SAFFRON = I love your ideas TIMBERWOLF = I trust you FALLOW = I want to run through the Northern wilderness barefoot with you PLUM = I’d like to chat with you TANGERINE = I love your aesthetic SAGE = You make me cry CRIMSON = We should collaborate on something! VIRIDIAN = I wanna hang out on your blog CHARTREUSE = You’re my homie BURGUNDY = I get excited when I see posts from you

Which superpower do you think suits me the best?🥸

i noticed you asked everyone this so im going to say the ability of charm; to convince people to do the things you ask them to

i would 100% have done the same (i haven't heard of this game)

fun fact about me:

when I was a kid doing the "they loves me, they loves me not" it didn’t take very long for me to figure out that I should only pick flowers with odd numbers of petals, buttercups being my most frequent pick.

And then I felt like that was cheating so I picked flowers with numbers of leaves to many for me to bother counting, daisies, and then i went back and forth depending on my mood.

i'm holding you to that orange !!!

new pfp ❓️❓️ ORANGE ❓️❓️❓️❓️

I've had a Halloween matching pfp since the last 2 or 3 years now so i figured I should change it at Some point 😭