I Want To Blame Crowley For The Fact The Batteries Are Running Out In My Fire Alarm And Keep Chirping

5 HCs AU: When Sita tries to call upon Bhumi Devi to swallow her up, nothing happens.

1. It is–not quite nothing, a rumble from the earth whispering Not yet, my daughter; but it is not the rest that Sita has wanted for so long. 

Around her, courtiers and commoners whisper alike of Maithali’s failure with as much surprise as satisfaction: now, at least, they can silence the lingering guilt at their part in their queen’s exile. Certainly she was to blame all along, and their King’s decision above reproach. 

Sita does not speak again, but turns to leave, head held high.

2. She goes back to her cottage in Valmiki’s hermitage, the only place–other than an abandoned hut in Panchavati–that feels like home. 

Some, Sita knows, might urge her on to giving up her life: but fire had let her pass unscathed, the son of wind spoken in her favor, and earth her mother forsaken her. Why ought she to imagine the waters might be any different?

In the back of her mind, faint but fixed, is the throb of anger; her husband’s wrath might threaten to destroy the world, but Sita’s is a thousand times more destructive. Lanka learned that lesson all too well; Sita closes her eyes and prays for peace. 

3. Kush might be the elder, but Luv the bolder, and Luv the one who asks her at last one night.

“Would you have left us?”

A mother’s instinct almost brings No, of course not to her lips; but Janaka’s daughter does not lie, no more than she hides from hard truths. 

“Yes,” she says. 

“With a father we scarcely know?”

“Your teacher’s stories–”

Luv scowls. “Are just that.” His mouth curls up, just as it did when he was five years old and refusing to eat his dinner. “You would have left us.”

Sita sighs, and holds out her arms to him. “And I never will again.”

4. “You might have been princes,” she reminds Kush, who should have been heir to Ayodhya. “You might have taken your rightful places.”

He only snorts. “And rule the same louts who scorned our mother? Never.”

She does not dare admit that she is proud of him, but her smile betrays her nonetheless.

5. Sita is tending to her garden when she hears footsteps approaching, coaxing weeds to take life elsewhere; she looks up to find her husband peering down at her, clearly awkward and somehow not yet out of place. His clothes are stark; his head is bare, devoid of the crown. She wonders if Bharata was convinced to take it at last, or if Lakshmana obliged instead.

(She knows too, enough of the ways of ruling to know that a king does not simply wake one morning and renounce his throne. He must have been planning this, moving the pieces into the motion, since the day she and the boys had departed Ayodhya forever.)

“Forgive me,” he says, and Sita, who had half-feared she would never be able to do so, feels her rage ebb at last. 

Beneath her bare feet, the earth hums her contentment. 

Ding!

Archangels Gabriel and Michael sat glowering at the nearby hovering screen. It was emitting chimes practically nonstop.

13:24:45: [Aziraphale] Moved one (1) plastic cup to trash bin. 13:24:47: [Aziraphale] Moved one (1) cigarette butt to trash bin. 13:24:48: [Aziraphale] Moved one (1) plastic straw to trash bin. 13:24:49: [Aziraphale] Moved one (1) styrofoam container to trash bin. 13:24:52: [Aziraphale] Moved one (1) left sock to trash bin.

“Why doesn’t he just miracle all of them in at once?” Michael asked in frustration.

“You damn well know why,” Gabriel muttered. Ever since that horrifying day that Aziraphale stood in a column of demonfire and then belched out a gout of it at them, it seemed that he was going out of his way to just piss off the management with incessant spam.

Gabriel sighed in relief when he saw that the onslaught of messages stopped for a bit. “Anyway. I was thinking that if we do want to arrange for the Big One™, we might want to–”

Ding!

13:25:49: [Aziraphale] Removed one (1) Swastika graffiti.

Michael glanced at the screen. Then she shrugged and shared a nod with Gabriel. “Fair.”

“… we might want to have you get a few more ‘contacts’ in low places, if you know what I mean,” Gabriel continued.

Michael took a breath to respond.

Ding!

13:25:58: [Aziraphale] Applied one (1) graffiti reading ‘Gabriel <3 Beelzebub.’

Michael stared at Gabriel, her eyebrows twitching up questioningly.

Gabriel shifted uncomfortably in his chair, “… well, now he’s just being petty. Come on, Aziraphale.”

Michael decided to ignore it and move on, “I may be able to make some arrangements. Even if the holy water didn’t work out as planned, the exchange was still marked as satisfactory…”

Ding!

13:26:15: [Aziraphale] Applied one (1) graffiti reading ‘Gabriel = Gross Matter.’

The two archangels scowled at the readout. “Something needs to be done about him,” Michael said.

Gabriel raised his eyebrows in a doubtful look. “Soooo… you saying you wanna be the one to confront him about it?”

Michael sat quietly for a moment, glancing aside nervously as she recalled the image of Aziraphale’s gleeful, hellfire-engulfed features.

“… on second thought, we have better things to do,” she murmured.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! …

13:26:49: [Aziraphale] Created one (1) grain of rice. 13:26:50: [Aziraphale] Created one (1) grain of rice. 13:26:51: [Aziraphale] Created one (1) grain of rice. 13:26:52: [Aziraphale] Created one (1) grain of rice. 13:26:53: [Aziraphale] Created one (1) grain of rice. 13:26:54: [Aziraphale] Created one (1) grain of rice. …

crowley makes signs on pull doors say push and routinely runs face first into them

Tum se hi

Aankhon mein aankhen teri, baahon mein baahein teri, 

mera na mujh mein kuch raha, 

hua kya?

Baaton mein baatein teri, raatein saugatein teri, 

kyun tera sab yeh ho gaya? 

Hua kya?

Dedicated to the brilliant @ferociouspompom , for being my fave person in the whole wide world. Geet has nothing on you! ;)

A tricycle driver in Ahmedabad, India was hired to transport 150kg of rose petals until none remained.

😂😂😂

But also, why would you send "good"?

tom holland is the embodiment of “in my defense i was left unsupervised”

This is kinda hilarious, he's so clueless 😂😂♥️

“Who’s going to take care of me if I get on your wrong side and become jobless when I’m older?”