Absolute CRACK BatFic Idea:

In honor of messy bitch Tim who deserves a maneater era after his womanizer era in the 90s. Here is a fic concept:

Bernard wants to get engaged young. 22-23. The minute he’s done with school he wants that ring on Tim’s finger.

Tim — allergic to commitment outside of the cape — is like “nope!” And it’s their biggest fight. It actually ends with them taking a six month “break” which Tim reads as a “break up” and proceeds to enjoy a voluminous ho phase, slipping in and out of the clubs of Gotham and Metropolis with Kon, Bart, and Dick as friends/guides.

It’s during this time period that Tim starts sleeps with Kon. They might have experimented when they were younger (no homo was said at some point because that closet was made of glass). A part of Tim, the part that has been in love with this boy even if he hadn’t had the language for it just yet, wants to cling to Kon with all the spite and terror of a bat. But the other part, the same part that ran away from Bernard, knows he won’t be satisfied if he ties himself to Kon just yet. There’s so much more to explore, to experience. He’s a researcher at heart after all. A scientist and an archeologist. He wants to experiment.

And Kon… Kon wants. And if this is how Tim will have him, he’ll enjoy it. He’s a “life is for living” kind of guy. If it becomes something more, Kon would be delighted. But he’s lasted this long as one of Tim’s best friends by meeting him where he’s at. And it’s fun. The sex and the partying and experimenting. Tim and Kon make it fun.

(Dick is happy to be Tim’s guru on all things safe, sane, and consensual. Honestly, Tim’s crisis of the week is small potatoes compared to most of the family DRAMA Dick deals with.)

And then Bernard comes back into the picture. After six months of licking his wounds and realizing he’d rather have a part of Tim instead of nothing at all, asks for another chance. He even suggests keeping an open relationship, as long as Tim doesn’t say “I love you” to anyone else and agrees to a date a week. Bernard can live with it. He’s not… thrilled, exactly. It’s not his first choice but he’d take some of Tim instead of none.

Tim introduces Bernard to Kon three months after settling into the new arrangement. They hadn’t met before then because Tim had no way to explain their connection out of the capes. Now Tim can say, “Bernard, this is my most frequent partner, Kon. He’s been my best friend since I was 14.”

And so the messiness commences!

Me: I don't get it. I thought I was doing a lot better than I was a few years ago. I'm like 10 times more on top of things than I used to be. How does everything feel terrible now?

The Tiny Me in OSHA-approved Hi-Vis Gear Who lives in my brain and pulls all the levers: Boss, it's the fascism. You're completely gunked up with cortisol due to the fact that your entire daily life is now underscored with a haunting awareness of the rapid erosion of your rights, dignity, and any and all social safety nets, and you're also bearing witness to the most vulnerable people immediately being persecuted. This creates a natural stress response that basically means you're going to continue having memory and organizational problems, as well as emotional imbalances.

Me: BUT I HAVE A BULLET JOURNAL AND I MEDITATE NOW.

Tiny OSHA Me: BOSS, THE FASCISM.

I know it’s for the angst and maybe it’s a thing in canon cause comic books. But if the batfamily are just human — Just straight 100% human — then they cannot hide their injuries.

A sprained ankle, once sprained, is easier to sprain. A bruised rib can turn into a fractured rib. A cut can get infected. A bruise can be hiding internal bleeding. All injuries, if ignored, can get worse.

First off. Just to clarify. The reality of the situation is that our very fun fleshy human characters just cannot be getting as hurt as frequently as they do in fics. In the comics, Bruce getting bruised ribs is a sign he is not taking care of himself and is being reckless and dangerous after Jason’s death. This might have changed in modern comics (that’s dumb. Batman doesn’t get hurt because he’s skilled and prepared. If they’ve changed that for shock or vibes, it’s stupid.) but it just can’t be true. The human body doesn’t heal that fast. There is no “magnify the sun to heal faster” tech for the batfamily. It’s one thing if Bruce used magic so they could insta-heal. But he doesn’t like magic either!

Bruised ribs and sprained ankles which seem “not that bad” in a lot of fics can keep a professional athlete from practice for weeks if not months. Let’s not even get into how it can affect a professional during the actual game/race/event.

The batfamily — who must be operating at peak physical fitness and pushing their bodies to the physical limit on top of the rigorous training/working out they do to enhance their skills — must 1) treat their bodies intelligently, 2) have some kind of rest day system so their bodies don’t shut down from the stress and 3) treat every injury seriously and timely to avoid exasperation and unnecessary healing time.

I get its comic books. I get Damian has such perfect awareness of his body he can shift his organs (ew.) to avoid being fatally stabbed. He’s still just a guy! They’re all just guys in super cool futuristic body armor and some neat gadgets.

(Side note: That body armor has gotta have some kind of kinetic dispersion system like Black Panther’s to keep the bruises minimal. Which means that body armor has to be good at stopping knives and guns from piercing the human flesh underneath. Which means that body armor cannot have any obvious flaws or weaknesses like only the cape is bulletproof and short shorts revealing the femeral artery!

(What I mean is maybe Dick and Jason had some like flesh colored armor leggings. Please let me live in delusion!)

Plus there has to be under layers. The color pattern top might be spandex or some kind of colored Kevlar-like fabric, but there must be special under garments, jock straps, compression shorts, ankle and wrist wraps. Something! Just Kevlar against bare skin would be impossible. Think of the rash! The sweat!There must be some kind of sweat-slicking layer or something that keeps you cool while you exert yourself running around a massive city like Gotham*. Otherwise they’d pass out from overheating!)

And since they’re just guys, when they get injured it is a big deal! They cannot hide their injuries, especially if they’re working with others. Injuries mean physical limitations which means your teammates have to pick up the slack. If your teammates don’t know they have to pick up the slack, not only are you endangering yourself but you are endangering your teammates.

And no matter how frustratingly emotionally constipated the bats are, no way are they choosing to risk their friends and family welfare for the sake of pride.

Think about it:

If you have mobility issues then you’re on sidewalk duty? Youre walking or motorcycle. Either way you’re off rooftops until you can safely grapple without pulling some stitches on your side or exasperating the ache in your upper back.

If you hide it and then you lose your gripe on your grapple because you have a full body flinch from pulling something and your teammates have to catch you or you die. Well that’s stupid. That’s a stupid way to die. No ego is worth that stupid death.

If you’re not sleeping which means your reaction time is sloppy** then you’re just not patrolling. There is plenty of work that doesn’t require the bats to be fighting around the city. The detective work can be done at a desk looking through camera footage, tracking down informants or victims or witnesses, or just mining the web for info. Plus paperwork, gadget maintenance, and the other fussy work that happens when you don’t have a company dedicated to maintaining your status of superhero like Ironman does.

All I’m saying is I know the cool part is the swinging and the patrolling and the fighting. Having an injury — a serious one with bone and blood — sounds cool and adds tension. Hell hiding an injury sounds like something they would do because they’re emotionally stunted idiots who don’t want to be a burden on their loved ones, right?

But they’re Bats! They’re effective, efficient, smart. They are human with human limits that can keep up with Supers and Flashes and Themyscirans. But to do that, they have to be managing their human limits intelligently.

TLDR: The BatFam cannot be getting injured that frequently or hiding injuries from teammates — the family or otherwise — without becoming massive liabilities in the field which would make their jobs nearly impossible to complete at the level of excellence they must do to keep up with the rest of the superhero community.

——

* By the way, Gotham is a city with a population of 10 million. For reference, NYC has 8 million people. Gotham also has enough land to have entire city blocks permanently unoccupied. Think about that! If NYC had a plot of land unoccupied, it would be built up into housing and business space immediately because space is a hot commodity in a city of 8M! How much fucking space does Gotham have!!!

** Yes you can survive without any sleep up to 30 days but that’s because by day 30 your organs shut down. Lack of sleep starts costing you as soon as 36 hours without sleep. They have to be sleeping a full 8-10 hours (or more because again they’re moving so much!) at some point to keep up. If they have insomnia then maybe they take something to go to sleep like a special bat-ambien.

Here is a thing I’ve been writing if anyone is interested:

Inspired by an AU I wrote about here: [SPOILERS]

-///////////////////////--///////////////////////--///////////////////////--///////////////////////-

It had been Barbara who’d brought it up first.

The news had been everywhere: the kidnapping of Gotham’s own Jackson and Janet Drake, CEO and co-owners of Drake Industries, had been a sensationalized story. Especially when some well timed information leaks proved the US Government had failed to negotiate the return of the couple after three months. Vicky Vale herself had written an expose into the ethical pharmaceutical company, Drake Industries, and the darling family that led it. Soon after Timothy Jackson Drake’s photo had begun circulating.

A capricious, intelligent young boy. It seemed he had a bit of an attitude with authority and often switched schools because he advanced too quickly through the curriculum and frustrated his teachers.

“He sounds bored,” Dick had remarked during one of his bi-monthly visits. He’d been scrolling through his phone all afternoon, oddly attached to the new story.

Bruce for his part had double checked Vicky’s research and found nothing notable or dangerous about the Drakes. They really were a semi-rich if not average family with a smart son and a relatively ethical multi-million dollar pharmaceutical company. Certainly, they’d given some bribes to “grease the wheels” on some of their rarer expeditions but nothing nefarious, especially not for Gotham.

No reason for the Batman to get involved.

Which is why it is so odd that Barbara brings it up during patrol. It’s a quiet night, of course. No other chatter on the coms and with Nightwing taking Robin on an excursion throughout the westside of the city, Bruce found the night almost peaceful.

And then Barbara says, “I feel bad for him.”

Batman grunts questioningly as he leans forward as if to spy this mysterious him that Barbara is preoccupied with.

“Tim Drake,” she clarifies. “You should read some of these articles, B. It really makes you nervous who's going to try and snatch him up.”

That gets Bruce’s attention. “He doesn’t have any extended family?”

I think at some point Jason said “No Guts. No Glory” while not looking at an explosion and posing like an 80s action star with a machine gun unironically cause he wanted to feel cool

Pls enjoy the first drawing I’ve worked on in four years. It’s my sister’s player character from my kids on bike’s campaign set in my high fantasy novel that I’ll finish one day :P

I want Damian and Tim to be friends so bad. I want chaotic younger sibling energy team up to make everyone else’s life hell! They both have big gremlin energy and 0 chill and poor understanding of other peoples limits.

Stop being cowards @DC, let Tim and Damian wreak havoc!

If you have fics, pls rec and my life is yours!

A little Spoiler of something I’m working on:

Title: Will of Fire

Summary: Madara knows his sins and his faults. He knows, no matter what Hashirama thinks, there is no positive afterlife waiting for him. Maybe that’s why he’s returned to the past after bleeding out on that battlefield.

Still, there is nothing to do but get up and try again.

For Izuna.

For Hashirama.

For Obito and all those, he’s wronged.

He will take this chance and try again.

Ship: Hashirama/Madara

Tags: Politics, Slow Burn, Uchiha Family Dynamics

…

Madara wakes up to Izuna beside him.

He shouldn’t have. He should have died, should have walked forward into the pure lands all Shinobi knew awaited them: an eternal feast of friends and foes alike finally setting down their swords and kunai to eat and drink and laugh.

Hashirama had promised me a drink, Madara thinks mournfully as he takes in the rising sun creeping its way into the room, growing in strength. Hashirama promised him peace.

He lets himself mourn his death during the time it takes the late winter sun to drench the room in light. Fifteen whole minutes to regret and contemplate to consider what-ifs and almost. Fifteen minutes before Izuna wakes next to him, eyes narrowing at the sunlight and with such an amusing scrunched face that Madara cannot help but be reminded of the ornery cat he’d kept secretly within the cave.

(Obito had brought the cat because for all Madara and Zetsu had tried to break him, he’d still clung stubbornly to a love of life.

And god Obito… Madara has many regrets. More than any man should bear. Too many sins to atone for. But for Obito…. He will need more than fifteen minutes to mourn Obito.

He will need a lifetime.)

And then Izuna wakes up.

“Aniki ,” Izuna yawns, morning breath stinking up the space between them. With drool running down his chin and crust in his eyes, he looks a far cry from the Uchiha Beauty he is renowned for. “Why are you awake?”

Madara had lost count of the years between Izuna’s death and his own. Time makes things hazy, alters memories… alters reality. It isn’t until that moment that Madara realizes he’d forgotten the sound of Izuna’s voice. In his memories it is scratchy, broken by pain and suffering as he lay on his death bed while healers and medic-nin alike did their best to give him another day, hour, minute. Until there had been nothing left to save but a pair of eyes.

In his nightmares, Izuna’s voice is rough and booming, full of hatred, as he calls Madara for what he is: a failure, a betrayer, a liar, and--in his worst dreams--a murderer.

In reality, Izuna’s voice is soft and sweet, content to wake up next to his older brother and pitched at a low volume to avoid waking the household. Clinging to childhood, there is an almost squeaky quality to it. (As young as Obito had been)

A long-forgotten protective instinct flowers within Madara’s chest.

Madar looks away, tears burning in the corner of his eyes. But he cannot cry. The dead cannot do anything with his tears. He has no right to self-pity. Zetsu had led him to his grave but Madara had been eager to climb in and lie down.

He cannot be forgiven for his sins. There is no peaceful afterlife waiting for him. No drink. No Hashirama. He does not deserve it.

This is my penance, Madara thinks as he watches Izuna wipe the sleep from his eyes with the back of his hand, already scarred from a lifetime of struggle. I must make things right.

Madara stands up.

For Obito, for Hashirama, for the Uchiha he’d sworn himself to and then killed, for the village and Naruto and Itachi (and that strange, powerful boy who’d reminded him of himself and Izuna and all the best and worst of the Uchiha).

It’s time to get to work.

He will cry when it is all done.

.

COMING SOON TO AN AO3 NEAR YOU!

I genuinely love all flavors of superbats and will enjoy all of them in the same fic even though irl I would never date my brother in law/stepbrother because that level of familial integration can only lead to madness.

But at the same time…

Like at what point do the supers just go “well this new one just showed up and is about the same age as X bat so let’s just start saving for the wedding in advance.” While Bruce plays dumb and refuses to acknowledge the pattern in fear of simply imploding from the surrealism that is his life.

I love Dick Grayson! But man I wish they’d kept pre-crisis Dick & Jason’s relationship and let the man age gracefully out of Robin before handing it over to Jason.

Like it makes sense for Jason to cling to Robin and the period of time he was happy and safe before his death.

Just… give us some variety. Stop making Robin this thing the brothers steal from each other. Let them just age out of it!