ED Things

Admitting you were abused is hard for whole multitude of reasons, but one that hit me most was the fact that I had to admit to myself that abusers have managed to really, really hurt me. Really badly. That all their efforts to get to me, to make me doubt myself, to make me hate myself, were successful, no matter how much I fought, and pretended not to be hit by it all. I didn’t manage to defend myself. I didn’t beat them. I got hurt. I couldn’t get out of there. I couldn’t get away from them. I continued to get hurt. For a long long time. I was at their mercy. They could have done anything to me. They did anything to me. Nobody stopped them. Nobody fought for me. Despite all my efforts to keep myself sane, to keep myself okay, I am filled with wounds and trauma and damage too vast to even asses. They got what they wanted. And I lost big parts of myself to it. I’ve been lying to myself when I tried to be okay. I wasn’t okay. I needed help. I wasn’t unbeatable. I wasn’t quite that strong. Humans aren’t made to be that strong. Humans aren’t made to survive in environment where they’re tortured and abandoned completely. I wasn’t made to withstand that either. I got broken. I lived in an illusion that this was okay. It wasn’t. I was scared. I was alone. I thought it was my fault. I could have died. It’s a miracle I’m still around.

me: *tell my mum i am full*

My ed:

My mum: *leaves the room*

Me: ooo emPANADAS *eats 3*

My brain: thank you

My ed:

Based on a true story

(4:36pm)

It's 2am, I'm doing exercise, crying, and looking to meanspo;;

We were two hours on call, after days without one because of me studying. She's so sweet, and I'm so grateful because she helped me learn all those vitamin's names. She's the best.

ur desperate for my attention, but can't even come up with an original insult without dragging food into it

Baby you're the one that has been sending me anons nonstop, if you want attention so badly, why don't you just get help and get better? Or your life's so sad you have to drag strangers with you to your own hell? Cause it seems like it. Ill tell you what, you're just a sad little girl that thinks everyone has to be as miserable as her to feel good.

But guess what nena, i'm good. As i say, this is a vent blog, i come and go everytime. But i'm good, recovery has been the best thing that happened to me, and i also learned that NOBODY treats me worse than i do, you can't hurt me. But you can keep hurting yourself and your sad little life every time you send me something. Besos en la cola !!

My friends: -Threat me with calling my crush if I don't eat-

Me, who don't want crush to know that I have anorexia :

Hallucination that turned into a draft, possibly

While kids still do those weird trends, and I'm still around, you'll never miss them

I love you a lot

I've realized that i am indeed, falling for her. With everything: pain, fear and terror, I'm falling in love again.

I keep repeating the same memory «here's your sweater and... Look what i got». Her holding yellow flowers. She looked so pretty, the way she smiles at me. It's so amazing i can't even describe it.

I just can't get myself together, how is this happening to me again? How did i not notice? I did see the signs. Me staring and smiling like an idiot, i always want to see her and kiss her and... Oh god, i am falling.

She's so special, it feels like she's the voice of calm and reason every time i lose my senses. I love how she's always around, i adore and crave her touch.

I need to write a letter.