Why Why WHY

My baby... My poor baby :(

help my children and i escape a abuser!!

paypal: imposterwarp@gmail.com

’m sure a lotta yall saw my past posts, but once again, some context read this

once more, i rly hate to ask for donations during this time, but i desperately need it!

unfortunately i had to spend a LOT for basic need, but the donations did save me in a way. i’m eternally grateful to you all

moving rn is a bit rough but we all need it and naturally the expenses i’ll need will be rather

I WILL DO COMMISSIONS, (and if you want, you can donate to any of these links at least 5 bucks, show me proof. i would l prefer to keep these commissions simple but if you donate a big amount, well we can talk in my DMs

but also keep in mind im desperately needing money to keep my kids happy and me not be miserable

EVEN IF YOU CANT DONATE, PLEASE BOOST!

i know we’re living in troubled times ans i didnt’ wanna do this during the protests, but my poor damn near 10 yr old and i are going nuts and highly frustrate.

if not for me, do it for these little sweeties

Y’all be safe playing among us. I now its a social game but like don’t give out your name or what school you go to. Like I’m sure people might Not track you down using that information but im 23 years old and I grew up during a time were they made us fear strangers and putting information online.

Losing my M I N D

Hey, I hope y'all been doing okay.

It's been a while since I wrote something, like¿¿ 1-2 months¿¿ I don't know, but the last time I wrote was the day ¿43? Of quarantine, and now is day 91.

I'm going to start writing because i'm sleepy and I have class today.

School

Pls end my suffering.

I don't fucking know ANYTHING about my grades, I could have failed everything without knowing.

Some teachers are asking for exercises I couldn't send, but they don't say WHAT sPECIFIC EXERCISEEEEEE. THEY JUST NEED TO SAY THE NAME OF THE EXERCISE, HOW DIFFICULT IS THAT?

Science is the worst, the teacher just can't realize that we have another 6 classes, not just science?????

I had a breakdown on monday, because one of my answers in spanish was wrong, and later the science teacher said my work was incomplete because I didn't add A FUCKING PERSONAL COMMENT I DIDN'T REMEMBER, FUCK.

Like, when I say it, it doesn't sounds so bad when I say it, but look, I spent my whole day doing my homeworks, I can't take a "it's not good enough" as something because i'll start crying.

I can't feel enough.

Now that we're talking about school, do you remember the last time I said I wanted to change school and that I was anxious about it??

My mum got me an opportunity in a girl's school, and I was so happy about it. Until I had to tell my dad.

He said no.

Because it doesn't have sense to change school if at the end of the year i'm gonna get expelled as always. I got expelled in 5th grade, in 6th grade I had to repeat, and leave. I was so sad to focus on my studies, I lost on purpouse and when I tried to win it wasn't enough. And it looks like he's the only one who can't just forget about it.

He said that I was doing okay in this school, and that shows how an uninterested parent he is. 'Cause in the last months I had 8384648373 breakdowns, my grades went down and I got that fucking insufficient in attitudes, please get me out of here.

The Guinea pig situation.

The last month I got O B S S E S E D with the hamsters, and I wanted one, but the only option I had was to get a guinea pig, so I started to investigate about them. I'm in love with the Guinea pigs. My mum was okay with getting me some, I just had to take care of them.

And here is when my dad enters to do NOTHING 'CAUSE HE SAID NO😎👌

He said no because "Guinea pigs make holes"?????? And because "they have a lot of babies" I even explained to him that they were gonna be inside my bedroom, and that I was gonna get two girls.

But he said "my word is the one that matters and is NO".

So I don't have a Guinea pig.

I told my girlfriend and she said "it's okay, calm down, it doesn't matter, is something that you want, not something you need".

I felt so bad, if they knew how much time I spent investigating just because I wanted them.

I want something to take care of, I want to feel needed, I want to feel useful, and I thought maybe an animal can fill that, it sounds selfish, but I feel so bad, I really wanted them. but nobody cares, as always.

Well, that's all i have to say now, have a good night/day/afternoon.

Day 91: june 12

me: *tell my mum i am full*

My ed:

My mum: *leaves the room*

Me: ooo emPANADAS *eats 3*

My brain: thank you

My ed:

Based on a true story

(4:36pm)

Admitting you were abused is hard for whole multitude of reasons, but one that hit me most was the fact that I had to admit to myself that abusers have managed to really, really hurt me. Really badly. That all their efforts to get to me, to make me doubt myself, to make me hate myself, were successful, no matter how much I fought, and pretended not to be hit by it all. I didn’t manage to defend myself. I didn’t beat them. I got hurt. I couldn’t get out of there. I couldn’t get away from them. I continued to get hurt. For a long long time. I was at their mercy. They could have done anything to me. They did anything to me. Nobody stopped them. Nobody fought for me. Despite all my efforts to keep myself sane, to keep myself okay, I am filled with wounds and trauma and damage too vast to even asses. They got what they wanted. And I lost big parts of myself to it. I’ve been lying to myself when I tried to be okay. I wasn’t okay. I needed help. I wasn’t unbeatable. I wasn’t quite that strong. Humans aren’t made to be that strong. Humans aren’t made to survive in environment where they’re tortured and abandoned completely. I wasn’t made to withstand that either. I got broken. I lived in an illusion that this was okay. It wasn’t. I was scared. I was alone. I thought it was my fault. I could have died. It’s a miracle I’m still around.

finally

The dumbass is back

Hi, I have a 4.4.4 android so in the middle of 2019 tumblr got an update and i couldn't use the app anymore.

I came back in the quarantine just to see chinese learning things¿¿ I don't know.

I got the app because in my searching of an old version of netflix (i can't use new netflix updates too) i thought that I could use tumblr in an old version too so i'm back for now.

School

I hate school shjshdjdh.

I'm in holy week vacation right now, so i'm not having homework to do. But it was difficult to not stress out with a lot of work to do.

It's like- in the time we were going to school we used to learn something in about 3 days in classes like Social studies, spanish (i'm not supposed to call it like that, but because it is our first language we call it "communication and language"¿¿), etc. And they were sending work to do for THE NEXT DAY. I barely remember what I saw the last week. I do remember math, english and science because two were sending explanations for the homework and science,,, just awful, really, really long if we have in mind that it was for the next day.

Before we got in quarantine, they gave us our grades, and I got 69 in science lol (i'm gonna talk about that in another blog) my grades were pretty meh, english was the higher note, and I got an "i" (for insufficient) in attitude, because I had a mental breakdown in front of the principal. She said it was a "trantum", I couldn't breath, for real, I was choking because I was hiperventilating AND SHE WAS JUST YELLING. My mum came to pick me up but I didn't left the school, and everybody thinks it was my fault.

I'm anxious 'cause if quarantine lasts to a longer time, I'll not be able to know what to do about getting in another school I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SCHOOL TO GO, i'm going to hang myself.

Sweetheart

I got a "girlfriend" and she's so sweet:(. We're not officially dating, but i've been waiting two years and she finally admitted that she likes me.

She's so sweet, she listens to me when i'm sad, and she wasn't angry when I was answering late her messages because of school. SHE EVEN ASKS ME TO TRY GO TO SLEEP, 'cause I can't sleep.

I love her so much, I can't even express it. But i'm so insecure, I don't want to make her feel insecure because of MY insecurities:(.

I can't sleep and that's why i'm in tumblr again.

It's currently 4:31am when i'm writing this, i can't sleep AGAIN. School fucked up my sleeping schedule (going to sleep at 9pm when I was going to school). This days i've been falling asleep between 1-3am. I don't know what happened this day but i'll be awake at least at 2pm.

Ah shit here we go again??

I spent 6 months eating like a pig and i'm thinking of purging AGAIN and I fucking hate it. I don't like it, but I feel so bad with my fucking fat body I don't know what to do i'm like-

And that's my update for now (day 25 of quarantine: april 8)

FUCK 10 FOR 5am I'M FUCKED

I'm-

I miss the hospital, i genuinely felt happy to be there. People were treating me right, my mental illness was recognised, my parents weren't fighting (at least not in front of me).