Weekly Introspective Perspective #1 (3/3/23):
Weekly Introspective Perspective #1 (3/3/23):
This week has been a small and uneventful week. Due to lack of communication I failed to take advantage of an opportunity given to me. This affected me so deeply because I had future plans set around this opportunity simply for it to slip right underneath my feet.
Im learning to be more realistic with myself. I feel like some things are simply not flowing and circulating in my life. The question I ask myself is how do I break out of this? How do I change the things that are having adverse effects on me?
Well I don’t have the answer yet. The only thing I’ve considered is further education. I need to educate myself further what I know now is nowhere near enough to live the life I truly feel led to leave.
Im considering cutting off all attachments in a healthy manner. Not to disappear and never have people hear from again, moreso to figure out what is and isn’t working in my circle.
I find myself doing the best that I can, not only for myself but for others. The people I care about. The problem is, I simply don’t feel like people care about me enough the way I do for them. Ive ignored it for years it’s something I’ve always struggled but I had chosen to ignore it because of the negativity that came with me questioning if people really care about me the way I do for them.
Well despite my ignorance the answer still remains the same. They don’t. I come up short just as anybody else does from time to time BUT ive have never not given the best I am to those I love and support.
My problem is people come up short when I need them just to feel supported, just to feel like I’m not alone out here. I go thru life I need things I ask for help, I don’t really get it that often hence why I don’t really ask for much from individuals when shit actually gets crazy.
But things weren’t crazy this time around I just wanted people there for me.
So here I am trying to start from zero all over again.
I simply feel blinded in my path right now.
On a positive note, ive gone back to my morning meditations and breathing exercises. I find it very hard to breathe when I am in a state of stress. I caught myself just holding my breathe like I was being choked by invisible forces. My chest was hot and the burden of it felt unbearable.
Ive gone back to praying because for so long I kind of stopped/ kept it to a minimum. Im not a fan of asking the creator or universe for things to change in my life. It often feels like game of take, take, take instead of being give and take. But for now I’m just trying to communicate with the higher energies, simple conversations.
So here I am. All alone, covered in angels. Trying to get myself back.
And now I start to feel it. Joshua coming back to his self. All it took was surrendering my heart, softening up and acknowledging the love I have to give because it’s who I am. Not because of what I want.
I am so kind when I’m hurt, it’s the only thing that makes me feel like anything. The one thing I can always resort back to when I’m in shambles: I am actually a good human being with pure intentions and love in my heart that wants to expend that love to everyone I touch. No one can ever take that away from me and you can never discredit me on this statement. Its who I am.
More Posts from Jailposes and Others
1.20.19
Man life is fucking crazy. i think i need to start documenting my life more. i need a damn diary. i just want to share everything, every part of me. im so human. soooo soooo so human. its so hard for people to understand me, sometimes i feel people dont even try. I know everyone feels this way but it feels sooo much worse for me. All this shit thats happening and im experiencing its just like bro why is this shit happening to me? i dont get any of this. i just want love to be existent everywhere. what am i going to do? i feel like ive been so distracted from who i am and my purpose ive looked out the window when i should be looking straight ahead focused. i dont feel special anymore, i know i am but thats not enough ive realized. my physical being doesn’t matter it doesn’t mean anything. my spirit is my essence. why have i been so jaded by life? im so hurt. what do i do? how do i keep fighting. but Slipknot is playing in the background so i wont fall. im so fucking weak tho. my bestfriend has been missing for a week. its so weird. with all the relationships i have with my neighborhood friends and how different my relationship with each and every one of them is. Its so much pain behind my door. i just remember growing up with you and meeting you for the first time. when i let your brothers see my magazine but not you because i didn’t know you yet. i had trust issues early bro im sorry for that day maybe thats why you snaked me so many times, haha. Man i love you even from moments that broke my heart, you never really remembered my birthday but you always a day or two off so man i love you for the constant effort every year, i remember trying to express my love for you with a handshake and a hug, i told you i loved you and you didn’t say it back, but i know you love me bro i know you do, even the one time you almost called me your bestfriend, i still remember your voice i said you were my bestfriend and wanted to make it clear and you said i got you bro youre my bestfr.. and that was all i heard. i think the saddest part is weren’t even kids maybe we were like 17? 18? shit maybe even 19. and ive known you since i was in 5th grade. ever since those moments i questioned if you were my bestfriend. i haven’t really had one since you tbh. so i guess you really were my bestfriend. at the end of the day. its so surreal. idk if youre alive or not. you were such a great soul i hope god spares your soul. You got the whole city looking for you my guy and everyone has had nothing but good things to say about you. i know how tiring that is, so many people you showed love to. We really are the same lowkey im just a cooler version of you lol. man im dead inside without you. there just an absence of me. i just want to escape everything i just want to feel really good for once. my life is just kind of unstable. im not sure if all this is happening because im about to be someone important, i know God has to keep me within his arms, not within his reach, but his arms. i fail him every day. he still chose me, he still loves me. i still fight for him no matter what. no one will change that. i will not fight for anyone that thinks because they’re above me in some sort of caliber i have to respect and fear them, save them so to speak. You cant do anything to me, period. i dont serve you, my destiny is not any mans hands and that will never change. everyday i wake up feeling like someone special, important, different, destined. but what am i really doing with myself. why am i so stupid, slow and lazy. im trying so hard but i aint trying at all. how crazy is that. idk how to educate people and put them on when they dont listen. you always gotta fucking prove something to people first and i guess thats why im chasing music right now. thats really my whole purpose for making music, for wanting to be in this industry. i got something to say. im not ready to be a leader or a king as was destined for me but i gotta fucking do the job. im sorry im crippled as fuck right now. i just really hope all the people that are by my side and join my side can and will stick by me no matter what. my heart is always in the right place, never forget that. and i wont either. everyone does dirt dont forget that. we can win but only together, i just hope i mean enough for you all to defend some day, when i need you the most, dead or alive. my hearts a little too big and im sure no one will be able t0\o understand what i truly mean. it’ll always be an understatement because fuck niggas being using these words and phrases religiously but dont mean it and yet again another reason why you always gotta prove shit to people. nobody takes my word for my word. and y’all wonder why i dont speak often smh. anything that comes out of my mouth now i will always mean and stand by 100%. but niggas dont trust me, my own team dont even trust me entirely.
Literally RN.
I made this beat a couple days ago, i had no idea it was a J Dilla sample otherwise i wouldn’t of touched this shit.
i love how many people click the link to my blog but don’t follow or nothing just being straight nosy 😂
made a new homie today
FOCUS!FOCUS!FOCUS!
it really trips me out when people were showing mad love at a physical point in time, but now i don’t see you and you acting like a stranger. what was the point of showing love? what did you want from me? 🤔
all i got to say is that album on the way 🤫
