Still Alive And Finally Happy.

you’re so pretty yet so unaware of it

Well, I just need to accept the fact that everyone’s disappointed in me, my best friend, my parents… And the one person I truly have feelings for doesn’t need me either. I just want to disappear.

I’m happy now

So happy I could cry

Or laugh

Smiling alone at my room

Seeing everything in pink

You know

With those rose tinted glasses.

I’m delighted

Relieved.

Should stay that way.

But there is something

When I close my eyes

You still haunt me.

I really should not think about it

There is someone special who makes me happy

So what do you want from me?

Why can’t you leave me the way you did in April?

That went totally easily

Not for me

For you especially.

I won’t beg you to go away

But keep in mind

What you left is pain.

When I stargaze you pop up in my mind

Again after every damage

I wish I could erase you

I don’t need you

Neither do you

All in all

Just let me be

Don’t come up in my dreams

Leave my memories clean

Push yourself away.

And finally

Let me live.

I felt that... Always an option, never a priority...

That one hit hard tho

Although we weren’t meant to be

Not yet, not this time

You were the one that saved me

From taking my own life.

That moment seemed lively

Under the stars and the moon

I felt relieved finally,

But it ended too soon.

And now I’m here

Months have passed

And it still feels real

Even though you left.

I’m not sad

I accepted it

Everything is set

Afterall, we’re kids.

But what have you done?

I changed that day

The feeling isn’t gone

It just fade.

Why am I thinking of you?

We’re on different paths

What we had is now blue

And that part of my soul is black.

Whatever happens

You come up in my mind.

It quickly flattens

Stays far behind.

Staring at the stars

Rewinding our foolish stories

Was it all false?

It only exists in movies.

When I felt like dying

You gave me that smile

Hugged me while crying

Knowing it takes time.

You listened with honesty

While I shared all that garbage

You didn’t think less of me

Unlocked my heart’s cage.

Then you made me tear up

It burned my cheeks

It could even fill a cup.

I was unable to speak.

You were committed

To another heart

I wasn’t uplifted

How I was before those scars.

It’s not fair

How you made me feel alive

Outside in the cold air

Now I’m completely deprived.

Saved me once

Hurt me forever

Like a dunce

Who’s not my lover

All I want

Is you in many ways

Firstly, to be gone

Secondly, to stay.

Excited for what?

Disappointment

Or love?

Not if it was real…

More like a thrill.

This is all so fake

Like the thought

Of living in peace

But still

I hope for something

That will never be clear.

Isn’t it obvious?

Aren’t you self-conscious?

Drowning in idealism

But need more realism.

“And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.”

— J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

Gondolatok

Gondok

Melyeket papírra vetve

Ki nem mondok.

Unatkozok

Írok

De legalább most

Nem sírok.

Talán a kiégés szélén

Vagy csak a kíváncsiság

Révén

Néha kicsit félénk.

Nem tudom

Soha nem is fogom

Csak sodródom

És elfogadom.