♌️ Rising

Same. 😔

Here comes the days of hell...

(aka the peak of my PMDD)

Feelings include:

And the result is:

Conflict and tears. Me arguing with my family and me crying a lot.

I really f*cking hate this crap.

-Illustratum Paradoxon

7•27•17 | Self Reminder|

Stop trying to make people understand you. This is your journey. As long as YOU understand you and your heart is in the right place, no one else matters. They will just have opinions. Ideas of you. But never a true understanding of YOU. Don’t feel sad over it. Feel confident knowing yourself, loving yourself & being true to yourself.

-Illustratum Paradoxon

Take it day by day. It took years for them to screw you up, take time with your healing. Love yourself through the process. Give yourself grace! These are things I repeat to myself yet, even so still have those days that just seem like “Didn’t I just heal from this?” “Why am I resorting back?!” BUT it doesn’t always mean that! It’s ok to have a bad day. I have to accept that this is a process and some days triggers will just be harder to deflect. Some days our traumas come to taunt us, but I won’t stop the fight. I won’t keep allowing this battle in my mind keep me from healing and moving foreward. I will not hold on to shame and guilt for allowing myself to feel. It’s ok to feel. It’s ok not to be perfect. It’s ok to heal. It’s ok to be happy. And it’s ok NOT to be on the days that you just aren’t feeling your best. Stop beating yourself up!

-Illustratum Paradoxon

Today I made a promise. To keep my emotions in check. To watch what I say before I say it. To stop cursing like a sailor. Man that’s a lot to ask from me. BUT when my lack of skills of navigating through my emotions effects the ones I love, then it’s a must. It’s a lot to admit when I’m wrong because I NEVER EVER want to be the reason for someone’s pain. I know all of us are a villain in someone’s story, but as for my family. I will always strive to be the hero. Hey even Hero’s make mistakes I guess. Egos get in the way. Emotions are high. Shi-Stuff Happens. Most importantly I made a promise to STOP absorbing everyone’s feelings. Love them. Care for them. But you can’t save EVERYONE. What I will do is save myself and be the best version of myself to be able to help others and not leave myself on Empty. If I’m empty I can’t give as freely. My resources are limited. So instead of wasting my energy on anger and getting super riled up, I will focus on healing myself to heal others. 🙏🏼 It sounds so easy! But yea...here goes.

-Illustratum Paradoxon

The anxiety attack after you set a boundary is crazy. My hands are shaky. Palms are sweaty. I’m freaking livid! I just don’t understand it?! I’m cursed I swear. My grandmother would yell at me CONSTANTLY “Your mouth is gonna get you in trouble” little did she know how powerful such words were. People love me cuz I’m real and hate me cuz I’m too blunt! Or because I’m too moody or too “to myself” um why is it so wrong to keep to yourself? Why is it wrong to like to keep your circle small? Maybe it’s a coping mechanism to protect what’s mine or maybe it’s the only way I know how to protect my energy. Whatever it is. I DESPISE when people try to impose on me. Don’t push me to be social please. Don’t come over uninvited. These are triggers. I’m so sorry. I don’t like uncertainty or surprises unfortunately. I’ve been disappointed too many times. I have opened that door too many times. So now I leave it shut and protect me and my own. Ok so the boundary is set. Why am I freaking out? It’s the response! It’s me obsessing over if that person will talk to me again because I set a boundary! It’s me being mad I had to set one in the first place. But then again, High expectations are future disappointments. I’m tired of people having adult tantrums when another adult is clear on their wants/unwants. How dare you be mad at me for knowing what I want!?

-Illustratum Paradoxon

You’ve allowed every other person in your life to USE you for their advantage. Why not let God use you for others advantage? Why not let God use you to bring Glory to him by helping others be used in the RIGHT way. Not USED AND ABUSED. Used and redeemed!Used and restored! Used and reusable for more use! Not broken. Not defective. Not abandoned. We are Gods treasure when the world says we are trash!

-Illustratum Paradoxon

The devil is persistent

But my God is consistent

If it wasn’t for my God

I‘d fall far from existence

Spiritual revolution

Is happening inside of me

Spiritual revolution

Something Only God

And I can see

Written 7•15•20

-Illustratum Paradoxon

*The revolution is still happening.

The war for my soul is not over.

Clinging on to God

And anything of light. 💡

Pushing religion and bs agendas away

I just want YWHW*

We are because they were. ♥️

@lexislines