My Aunt Died Two Days Ago And While We Were Not Super Close, I Feel Her Loss So Profoundly. I Have Experienced

Rainy day in Kyoto

Day 5:

In what ways are you inauthentic?

In most parts of my life, to be quite honest. There is so much that I put a front on for or just flat out lie about that sometimes it becomes too much. I lie about money, I lie about how I’m doing, and I lie about how I feel about myself and others.

Most days I agree to things because I don’t like the feeling of being left out but I literally can’t afford it. I’m too embarrassed to admit that I’m struggling right now. I need to start saying no.

I lie about how other actions don’t affect me. I lie because I don’t want them to know how much they’ve hurt me. My emotions have always been a touchy subject for me and that is something that I am working on as well. I need to learn how to express myself in a healthy way.

“They say when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that's true. What they don't tell you is that when it starts again, it moves extra fast to catch up.” - Edward Bloom

Big Fish (2003)

Have I ever mentioned how strained my relationship with God was growing up? Because from a young age, I was afraid of Him but also taught to love him. I was taught to depend on Him and to pray for forgiveness, for the most minuscule things imaginable. That never quite sat right with me but He had been a part of my life so long I just could not let Him go. But there came a point where I felt like I was talking but no one was around to hear it.

I was hollow inside and tired of being ignored. Why is it that I have spent my whole life begging for help and being left to fend for myself? It sucks but I never felt His presence, I felt His absence.

So one day, I got fed up and decided that I wanted to pray to someone who I knew would listen, someone who I knew would not judge, someone I knew would not require blind servitude, and someone I knew I would never have to beg for forgiveness. How did I know all of this? Because I conjured her up.

I imagined all of the things my Goddess would have and Fida is the first thing that came to mind. She is radiant, powerful, and understanding, and asks for very little in return. I do not need to revolve my whole life around Her because I know She is in my heart. Call me crazy or delusional but since I found my own personal Goddess, things have been looking up.

I pray to Her and I know She is lying down kicking her feet, listening to my every word, and Her presence is all the comfort I need. She is a girl's girl and I know She is looking out for me. But being a girl's girl, I know that she loves cute little trinkets and gifts, so I make sure to thank Her for being a part of my life.

Day 4:

If you could get rid of one bad memory, what would it be and why?

The one memory I would get rid of is from the hospital the day my dad woke up after losing his voice. Not to make a horrible situation that happened to my dad all about me but that day was so very traumatic. I remember that they had told us that he had cancer from smoking cigarettes but I did not think it was going to be as bad as it was.

It was nighttime when he finally woke up and the room was packed to capacity with people checking up on him. But he woke up so frustrated and angry and all he was doing was grunting and trying to write. He was trying so hard to tell us what he needed and nothing would come out. It was the saddest moment of my life because he was a man who filled any room with his loud voice and laughter.

I remember that everyone around me was crying and that frustrated him even more. Every time he saw someone crying he would start banging things next to him. So instead of crying like everyone else around me, I stayed stoic. I tried my hardest to be the person he needed at that moment. I tried my best and I succeeded, but at what cost?

I mean here I am more than 10 years later and that memory still haunts me. The guilt still lingers.

I feel guilty because before he lost his voice he used to scream all the time. He used to scream so much that we thought his voice was hoarse from the yelling, not cancer. But it was too much for me; I remember I used to pray for him to stop screaming. I used to pray for some peace and quiet and when I finally had it, it was mortifying.

I can't remember his voice, I think that is the worst part.

He died in 2020 after they amputated both of his legs and told him they were going to have to take his arm too. He lived such a miserable life that I was so happy when he finally passed. He no longer had to suffer and neither did I. And while the death certificate is only 3 years old, I truly believe that the day he lost his voice is the day he died inside.

Day 13:

Why do you think you don’t deserve love?

This question hit me so hard because this exact question crosses my mind every day. I feel like I have received the short end of the stick in this life and that love comes with terms and conditions. I feel like I have so much love bursting from inside of me and it has nowhere to go and it is eating me up from the inside.

But, at the end of the day, I feel like I do not deserve love because of how I look. I feel like I will never get the love I deserve because I do not love myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror out of spite because I do not like what is looking back. I wish more than anything that I could look like everyone else. I wish I were thinner and my arms weren't so huge.

I know that if I had the ideal body type, I wouldn't have to beg guys for attention. I know that if I were more appealing to look at I would be happy in love, ya'know?

But I also know that this is not true. I know that I have spent so long hating myself that it will take a lifetime to unlearn the negative self-talk and quiet my demons. Because if I continue thinking of myself this way, I know that that is how the universe will perceive me.

I have spent my whole life swimming

Fighting the currents

Trying to reach the shore

But I am tired

Of giving it my all

Only for the waves to pull me back

So instead I float

To avoid drowning

I can see the shore

I can make it

If the waves don't engulf me first.

Isaac Snowman - Slumber (n.d.)

Day 3:

What do you love most about yourself?

The thing that I love the most about myself, physically, is my smile. I am biased but I think that I have an awesome smile. I have never had braces and my teeth are perfectly straight and I have dimples on each side. My smile is something that I am extremely grateful for because I know that if I had needed braces when I was younger, my parents would not have been able to afford them. I like to joke that it is the best thing that my parents have given me to date.

The thing that I love the most about myself, internally, is that I am adaptable. I can mold myself to almost any situation and I always try my best not to complain. If I am thrust into a scenario where I do not know anyone, I will mingle and make friends as I go. It is a daunting feeling because it forces me to step out of my comfort zone but I can't remember a time where I have ever regretted it.

I have plenty of insecurities but these are the two things I am confident about.

Queen of the Damned (2002)