I Have Spent My Whole Life Swimming

Day 1:

How does the feeling of envy show up in your life?

For me, envy shows up in the sense of self-doubt. I will look at someone's life and what they have and compare it to what I do not have or how I do not look. I will look at strangers and friends and wish that what they had was me. I will look at someone happy in their career, happy in their body, or happily in love and seethe with envy.

It always comes down to, why not me? Why am I stuck in a rut that I can't climb out of? Why are good things in life never in the cards for me?

I am always stuck in a poor me cycle and I am realizing that I am blinded by the fact that I am getting in the way of my own happiness. My negative thoughts have encompassed my life for as long as I can remember I quite simply do not know how to be anything else. But I am tired, I am tired of being someone hoping and wishing from the sidelines, and have decided to take my fate into my own hands.

I will be the catalyst of change in my life and I will shed the skin I have conformed to and start anew.

Healing is difficult and facing my trauma is one of the things that I have dreaded the most in my life but the generational curse ends with me.

aura

what was i made for?

“ophelia” by john everett millais but it’s barbie and for the sake of this concept let’s pretend that there is in fact water in barbieland

pie pngs ♡

I have prayed so loud my voice is hoarse

I wonder if He heard?

Does He know that the louder I scream

The more I retreat?

Where do my words go when I

Beg Him for help?

The last time I spoke

I whispered

and he disappeared.

Day 5:

In what ways are you inauthentic?

In most parts of my life, to be quite honest. There is so much that I put a front on for or just flat out lie about that sometimes it becomes too much. I lie about money, I lie about how I’m doing, and I lie about how I feel about myself and others.

Most days I agree to things because I don’t like the feeling of being left out but I literally can’t afford it. I’m too embarrassed to admit that I’m struggling right now. I need to start saying no.

I lie about how other actions don’t affect me. I lie because I don’t want them to know how much they’ve hurt me. My emotions have always been a touchy subject for me and that is something that I am working on as well. I need to learn how to express myself in a healthy way.

How is it that something I only started for a couple days, I could forget so easily? Welp, looks like it is time to get back on track.

And you’d know I’d say, “the last time I drank, I was face-down, passed out there on your lawn.”

Orange Juice, Noah Kahan