Am I Too Late For This Trend?

UTRH AU - (before revelation) Jason tries to kill Dick but can’t keep his emotions under control. Loosely inspired by this.

Interviewer: so what is your opinion on real-life fanfiction?

Cass: hmm?

Interviewer: fanfiction centering around real people. Such as yourselves.

Tim, grinning: well I mean I've been writing a self-inseet into the Wayne Family fic since I was ten, (it updates on Tuesdays, by the way) so....

Interviewer: blinks

Duke, delighted: whaaattt???

Tim: were you not made aware? I thought everyone knew, and we just weren't talking about it.

Dick: no, no that's definitely just you, Tim. Somehow it does not surprise me, though.

Tim: huh. Well, it's quite popular

how the fam find out Jason's still alive

Dick, looking through old photo books: aw, it's such a shame Talia didn't tell B about you until recently Dami, I'd have loved to see photos of you as a baby

Damian: ? I can get baby photos if that is required in this family

Dick: what, how? Talia doesn't seem like the baby-book kind of woman, no offense.

Damian: She was not, however after my brother was brought out of the Lazarus pit he was given a few old cameras in an attempt to make his mind focus on something not harmful to himself and settle down. He took a lot of photos of our family during his training.

Dick:

Bruce:

Both, simultaneously: your what now?

-later-

Damian, walking into the room with an old box: Alright so I broke into his current safe house while he was working and took one of the boxes. I believe these should suffice for your 'baby books'

Bruce: hold on you broke into his- your brother lives in Gotham??? there's a trained league assassin working in this city and you didn't tell me? Damian we need to talk about your habit of withholding important infor-

Dick: Bruce.....

Bruce: -mation. what?

Dick: look at the.... photo...

Bruce, leaning over to see a photo of Jason Todd holding baby Damian up at the head of a meeting table like in the lion king, red smear on his forehead, while Ra's Al Ghul stares at them both from his seat looking Tired Of Jason's Shit™:

Damian, peering at the photo: yes, Todd got quite good with the timers on those cameras, he took many a photo holding me like that. I believe it was a special campaign designed to get on grandfather's nerves enough that he'd agree to watch the movie with us.

Bruce:

Dick:

*screaming*

bonus:

Tim: you know some of these photos are actually really good, like the angles and tones you used

Jason: you steal Robin, I steal photography.

Tim:

I bet the JL has a “how fucked are we” metric that’s literally just how many of Bruce’s kids are there.

Like if he pulls up to the alien invasion or whatever with just Robin, then everything’s fine. More than fine, actually, because Bruce feels comfortable enough to bring his eight year old along for the ride. This battle will take approximately fifteen minutes and they’ll all get shawarma after. Not fucked in the slightest.

But if Red Robin shows up too… hmm, okay, this is getting somewhat serious. Tim is one of Bruce’s most trusted partners; he’s the smart Robin, the tactician, the loyal one, and so if Batman brought him along then it means he’s at least a little bit worried about shit hitting the fan and wants one his advisors around. But the combined brain power of Bruce and Tim is pretty much unmatched (DC plot armor for the win), so everything will be fine, basically. Superman might take a hit, but everything’s going to be fine. Just keep calm and you’ll all make it home in time to Door Dash some Panda Express before it closes. So not that fucked.

It starts to get serious after that. When Signal and Spoiler roll up the scene, shit has definitely hit the fan. Batman’s worried enough to call in reinforcements and he’s probably doubting the League’s ability to listen/obey his orders, so he needs a backup plan in case things go really south. But with Signal’s abilities and Steph’s superpower of turning anything into a joke, chances are you’ll be okay. Maybe impaled or something, but okay. But still, fucked.

When Nightwing shows, the JL knows it’s starting to get dicey out on the field. See, Nightwing’s got his own team, his own issues—the fact that he set that all aside to help out his dad is cause for concern. On a scale from 1-10, they are at a 7. Above moderately fucked.

And… oh God. Black Bat? Most of the time the JL doesn’t even see her, but once she makes herself known and starts fighting alongside her siblings, they all start to silently freak out. Black Bat is a fucking machine and if she’s breaking a sweat trying to fight the Big Bad, things are definitely not going to go well. They start praying that Batman figures something out. They freak out. They are intrinsically fucked.

But God Forbid you catch sight of the Red Hood. The prodigal son is a legitimate killer, and if Batman’s letting him blow out brains then the JL knows he’s desperate. And a desperate Batman is not good. At all. They are definitely fucked.

Red Hood: I'm a team player

Nightwing: Team player, my ass! You pushed Red Robin off the ROOF!

Red Hood: [shrugs] He isn't part of the team anymore

Robin: [nods] I like this team much better now

Spoiler: [over the comms] Why is RR dangling from a fire escape?

Nightwing: Because-

Red Hood: Because he's not a team player!

look at my crime lord dawg im going to jail 😭😭

quick olympic slaying it down redraw.. olympics giving good figure drawing ref fr 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

The Tim being allergic to carrots headcanon is so important to me for absolutely no good reason at all

Not Batfam but Shazam is also here because he deserves to be

More Batfam twitter shannannigans here

Taglist under the cut

@scarlettauthor @searchingforthelamps @aceisferal @lady-bizarre @nana-mizu-shiki @reality-itself-but-magic @humanoidluv @popkorncone @shortstorylover @luckybyrdrobyn @ginevraxrogers @universal-travel-er @timpendragon @limeskittlesaredecent @illburnyouontheceiling @half-emptyjuicebox @genderlessblomber @i-suc-at-art @somniphobicfox @ultra-stormsaga @fandommaniac123 @procrastinators-folly @folk-ever-lore @marinafanning @sadbookworm13 @tzuyu132132 @sackofsadstuff @slythieamour-loves-her-guardian @blackstar1602 @notarobot-lastichecked @blankliferain @kking13 @blackholegladiator @formulaonebuff @blackstar-gazer @wrongwaykelly @smiling-through-sadness @cygnusdoesthings @lyninabin @justabilingualchileangirl @wowowowo234 @atlasaurelius @xxrougefangxx @fictional-love21 @kittyplayz1 @draculaura1660 @bae-graphomaniac @rusty-lake-resident @spawn0fsatan @savetheupholstery @lostsomewhereinthegarden @dead-potato-monster @its-a-dam-blue-brick @elamimax @ja50nt0ddwa5h3r3 @lesbian-spider-drone

(Some tags in replies as it's over the limit)

If you want to be added to or removed from the taglist let me know in the replies

I think it’d be so funny if Bruce just refuses to disclose the existence of Robin to the league. He knows it’d take less than a minute for them to form a wicked mock club against him.

Except he just? Carries Robin around. Under that endless void that is his cape. Clark pinches the stress point between his brows. “Batman, is that a child under your cape?”

“No.”

“Bruce I can HEAR his heartbeat.”

“I think the long exposure to kryptonite partially damaged your brain. There is no child here, Clark.”

“He’s literally drinking Barry’s coffee right now.”

“He’s WHAT-“

The batfam trauma candy salad would go absolutely insane.

Dick: Hi. I'm Dick Grayson and when I was 8 I watched my parents fall to their death in front of me, then I had to move away from everything I love and spend the rest of my life in some weird American city. And I brought the sour gummy worms.

Jason: This is so stupid- my mother used to kick me out when he drug dealer would come over so I didn't see her spending our very small amount of money on drugs.

Steph *off screen*: what did you bring?

Jason: nerds.

Cass: I was raised to be a weapon, a murderer. I brought peach rings.

Steph: I'm Steph and My dad was an alcoholic who thought he could go head to head with batman and outdo the riddler. And I brought Reese's pieces.

Tim: I'm Timothy Drake Wayne and I had left the house to try and find some guy before he killed my dad, just for him to kill my dad when I was gone. I brought sour rainbow strips.

Duke: My parents are in a mental ward, high on joker toxin. No one knows if they'll ever get better. And I got m&m's.

Damian: I am a highly trained assassin and-

Steph: cut. Cut. Damian. Civilian identities. Ok. Restart.

Damian: My mother randomly dropped me on some weird man's doorstep when I was ten. I brought rock candy.

yes canonically Jason is publicly alive and says that his death was "greatly exaggerated" but I think it would be really fucking funny if he just started showing up to Wayne events one day and the whole family acted like that was normal and Jason doesn't even try to pretend he didn't spend years of his life murdering people in cold blood. Someone says something out of pocket to Damian and he very loudly says "I have Deathstroke's number, if you want that fixed" and tells drunk socialites that he and Bruce got in a fight because "No, Jason, you can't bring three guns and five different kinds of poison to a gala. No, a knife is not any better," and he thinks it's unfair. Someone asks him if he's ever killed someone and he says "Not on American soil" and everyone just has to live with prodigal son Jay Wayne being a hopefully retired mercenary/hitman