Gettin Full-named And Receiving Psychic Damage

red hood and the outlaws? no, no, you misheard me. red hood and the INlaws. local teenage crime lord gets unwillingly mentored by his big brother’s most determined friends.

A babysitter's guide to the bats: by Jason Todd

If, for any reason, I am not in Gotham, here's what you will need to know to keep the local bat population from killing themselves off.

Tim has to be fed and watered daily.

Do not leave Cass alone for more than 36 hours, you might find half the world's governments systematically dispatched if you do.

Damian needs to be hugged at least once every two days. He will not ask for these hugs, but Robin starts getting real close to murder if he doesn't get affection, and a murdery Robin is something Bruce and Tim cannot deal with right now.

Bruce can hypothetically take care of himself, but won't unless it's easy. Make sure the cave is stocked up on energy bars and protein shakes. He likes dark chocolate best.

Do not let Dick forget to sleep. He gets acrobat-y when tired, and if he breaks one more chandelier Alfred might actually quit.

Cass forgets to eat real food sometimes. She can no longer survive off tree bark, but will try anyway. Leave some blackberries outside her room or on the bench below the maple tree in the back and she will eat those instead.

Make sure Steph spends time with Alfred. They both get lonely without their bi-weekly tea and gossip hour.

DO NOT LET DUKE RUN MISSIONS. HE FORGETS THAT THE REST OF THE TEAM IS MORTAL.

Keep an eye on Babs, she has the means to dismantle every intelligence agency in the U.S. and is very close to finding a motive.

Sometimes Bruce and Tim forget that they run a company. Makes sure they read their emails every once in a while, the board is ruthless and can smell weakness.

Tim is allergic to walnuts. He doesn't remember this. There is an EpiPen in the hall closet.

The no-metas-in-Gotham rule does not extend to Diana Prince. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You couldn't actually get rid of her if you tried. There is no Wonder Woman contingency plan. Don't look for it.

Titus has to be fed while Damian is at school.

Always make sure Red Robin has his third backup rebreather. He's recently decided he has a deathwish.

Batcow is NOT allowed in the manor. If Damian tries to convince you she is, he is lying.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Dick Grayson:

Source

surprise pizza party at wally’s

a real interaction I once had while eating pineapple pizza

If you asked the guys, they’d say they hated the parties. They had a point, she guessed, because really— if Steph had to pose for the cameras like they did, she’d probably hate it too. It was bad enough that she had to explain over and over again that she and Tim weren’t dating anymore, (“We’re actually just friends now… good friends. Please get the microphone out of my face.”) but they had to put up with a lot more than that. 

Anyway, Steph liked Wayne parties. They had nice food. She’d be the first to admit though, they could get a little crazy, which is how this one was turning out.

It all went downhill while she was helping herself to a slice of cake—her phone rang: Dick calling from across the room. So that was suspicious.

“Um, hello?”

“Hey! Listen, I need a favor.”

Steph glanced around the foyer until she saw him by the front door, clutching onto Damian’s shoulders for dear life. It didn’t look good. “Okay, shoot.”

“One of the board members had too much champagne. He’s been saying some, uh, kind of impolite things about Damian and his mom, so…”

“Oh lord. Any casualties?”

“Yeah, not yet, but that’s kind of what I’m worried about. I was wondering if maybe you could take him home? Probably better if— yes you are— he leaves before— child, no— somebody gets hurt— stop struggling I told you NO— or worse. Oh, for the love of— Damian!”

“I can do that, I guess,” Steph told him, regarding her cake regretfully. She supposed she could steal some from the kitchen later. “Yo, Tim, I’m leaving.”

He nodded at her, so she swept through the dance floor. Damn, though, she looked good. That was another nice thing about Wayne parties— they usually came with really sweet dresses. Oh man, she was totally going to… focus. She was going to focus now, before Damian shanked a WASP with half a cake platter. 

Stephanie brushed past a few party goers on her way to the door. She was almost there when she heard him. “I’m just saying, the little bastard doesn’t belong in a boardroom at all, and I— Well hey there, honey, where are you going in such a hurry?”

Seriously? Did that really just happen? Wow, that was so not gonna fly. Steph swung around.

“I was just… you know, maybe I don’t have to leave just yet.” She smiled at him. “What’s your name?”

“Anthony,” he told her. She didn’t like the way he was looking her over. Gross. 

“Prescott, isn’t it? You’re on the board?”

“That I am.”

“Listen, Anthony, can I ask you a favor? My phone just died, and I need to send a couple of texts. Would you mind…?”

“Oh, not at all.” He dug into his pocket and fished out an iPhone, which he unlocked and handed to her. Oh hell yes this was about to get awesome. Stephanie grinned. 

“Thanks! Now let’s see… I want… contacts! There we are. Now what have we got to work with here…?” 

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, I’m just trying to decide who to call about your manners. Let’s see we’ve got… Dad… Mom… Ooh! Grandma. Now how what would your grandma think about the way you’ve been behaving?”

“Oh my god, please don’t—”

“Well now I just have to find out, don’t I? Let’s give her a call!” Stephanie pushed the button. “Ringing, ringing— oh sir, you do not want to do that.” He’d lunged for the phone.

“Give me back my phone you little—”

“Honey, that isn’t helping your case. Hey! Is this Anthony’s grandmother?”

Anthony panicked. He grabbed her arm, so she flipped him— he fell on the floor, and she planted one of her wonderfully glittery heels on his chest and kept right on talking. “Fantastic! It’s great to meet you. My name is Stephanie, and I just met your grandson at a party. Yes, he is very good looking.” She rolled her eyes so Anthony knew he wasn’t. 

“Listen, I’m calling because he’s been very rude to me. Yeah, Mrs. Prescott, you know how they are. I really don’t appreciate it. I should probably mention that I’m a teenager. Yes ma’am. Eighteen. He’s what, at least forty? It made me uncomfortable.”

Stephanie was really liking Mrs. Prescott. “There’s actually one other thing. I have this friend, and your grandson called him a little bastard. I mean, if we’re being completely fair, that’s what he is, but it’s the tone, you know? My friend is ten years old, and he’s very upset. Thank you so much, Mrs. Prescott! I was hoping you would say that.” Stephanie leaned down so Anthony could hear her. 

“Your grandmother wants to talk to you.” She handed him back his phone. “You know, I was just thinking— it’s a pity you’re so old because she probably can’t cut your allowance anymore. Then I remembered that they—” she pointed to the Waynes— “control your salary. So great job, dumbass. You absolutely just insulted the wrong ten year old. Have fun with grandma.” 

And she waltzed away like the badass she knew she was. People were staring at her, but hey, she had caused a scene. And she was gorgeous. She really couldn’t blame them. Even Dick and Tim were gawking at her with their mouths hanging open. Damian actually looked impressed. 

“Good enough?” she asked him.

“Good enough.”

“Awesome. Let’s hit the road. We both have better things we could be doing.”

Damn, she loved Wayne parties.

original artist n/a

Art | Pale

painting by Alexandra Levasseur