The World Is Entire, And I Am Outside Of It, Crying …  —

I wonder if this is common: As a kid I would lose all emotions for periods of weeks or even months, I would feel nothing and live as a zombie, it felt like nothing mattered and nothing could touch me. During these periods I had very little patience or consideration towards others, I would sometimes snap at people or fail to offer reassurance and comfort, and I’d feel incredibly guilty afterwards, but still couldn’t force myself to be kind and gentle at all times. I just wanted to be left alone and not hurt anyone. It would scare me, just how out of control everything was and how much I didn’t care, I would try to force myself to feel something, I would do dangerous things to myself to try and force a reaction, because it felt like I wasn’t a human being anymore, and as if I wasn’t even alive. I would eventually be able to snap out of these by sinking into fantasies and dreams of things that gave me hope, there wasn’t much but I wanted to stay human no matter what.

I understand today I had to be dissociated from my feelings to that degree to stay alive thru traumatic periods of my life. I have very little memories from these periods except occasional fear that I wouldn’t be able to come back to myself and feel things. Do you remember struggling with this? Is it more universal type of experience of childhood trauma?

I hope you never reach a point where nothing makes you feel better. Talking about it doesn’t make you feel better, staying silent doesn’t make you feel better. Seeing the ones you love doesn’t make you feel better, isolating yourself doesn’t make you feel better. Eating doesn’t make you feel better, starving yourself to feel a more urgent pain to distract you from the real one doesn’t make you feel better.

I hope you never have to write about it, and find out, that even that, no longer makes you feel the slightest bit better.

i look at you and i don’t want to admit that what we were has died somewhere, in between missed messages and long pauses and brief kisses. i want to go back to where we were happy and honeymooning, our fingers always so in awe of each other’s bodies, our mouths hungry, endlessly searching for ways to make the other person happy. i hate knowing it all adds up to nothing. that we can be in love but in the end we’re two people who are walking towards different highways. i tell you i think we’re crumbling but we both avert our eyes. it’s not polite to stare at tragedy. i kiss you and keep a countdown and know you’re here but you’re already leaving.

this lil baby got a better walk than kendull jenner, jello hadid, boring hadid and karmichael kloss and that’s the tea on that

“what happened to you made you stronger” 

i was a child. i didn’t need to be strong i needed to be safe

I just listened to an interview with the Russo brothers and have learned two things:

1. They’re terrible writers. 

They apparently can’t figure how to give a character growth aside from making them lose everything first, which you’ll notice is an overused trope most often utilized by “mary-sue” writers who can’t come up with anything creative and end up resorting to the classic “Look at their ridiculously tragic past!” in order to spur the character’s actions forward. The Russo brothers admitted to liking this about Cap (him having lost everything), and since they were now writing for Thor, thought that they’d do the exact same thing with him. So, they killed Loki to motivate Thor, because apparently they couldn’t think of anything better to do. 

2. They’re hypocrites. 

They also claimed to have killed off Loki because Tom Hiddleston was “aging” and apparently too old to continue playing Loki. So, what about Chris then? Apparently it’s okay to keep one aging “god”, but two is pushing the limit? The logic there makes zero sense whatsoever.

And honestly, that also points toward how very not-creative they are as writers, as well. The assumption that the only good ending is a tragic one, rather than a more emotionally satisfying happy one, is lazy writing at it’s finest.

—

Let’s be real, though. They just hate Loki. That’s it. One of them said “No resurrections this time” when Loki’s multiple deaths were brought up, and you could tell by the smug satisfaction and humor in his voice, that it fucking pleases them to have killed off this character.

credits: @/thealiciacook on instagram. i strongly related to the line that said ‘you would just want to uncover a reason behind all this, and there is no tangible reason you would accept as valid’

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on being devoured by grief, by sorrow

fyodor dostoevsky, the dream of a ridiculous man // geloy concepcion // georges bataille, "esctacy" from guilty tr. bruce boone // sophocle's electra (tr. peter meineck and paul woodruff // anne sexton, from a letter to anne clarke written october 1964 // image via pinterest // callista buchen, taking care // rainer maria ralke // art by barbara kroll // haruki murakami, 1Q84