I Was A Heavy Iv Meth User But After A Year And Some Change Of Doing That Tweaked Shit It Made Me Hate

Merdivenler, merdivenler devriliyor Leon…

me when i see me: thats not me

Amy Winehouse, 2004

you'll succeed. even if it takes time. you'll make it.

Well I got arrested for the first time two days ago and I don’t even know where to go from here like of course my addiction landed me in their with absolutely no memory of the incident.. I just hope I can straighten out and things will start feeling like my choice again. Whenever I’m not getting high I feel like I’m doing something wrong and I gotta keep up but I don’t! I was a year clean and I should have kept it that way but no more should have would have could have just do. I’m on a Pre trial release and thank god they let me out without having to pay bail it was a simple assault against my bf bc I spit in his face I didn’t hit him I would never hit him but the Xanax had me so fucked up and the cops came and saw right when it happened and took me. But my baby was the only one who called me and the only one who put money on my books. I put myself in their but I was letting outside forces fuck with me again. And now I have a tress passing thing and no contact order with him but he’s the only one who holds me and loves me but we are hurting each other with drugs so maybe I need this time apart.. it just hurts my heart bc I love him idk who reads this shit but thanks for taking the time.

I know how to be a drug addict, self destruction is familiar so in a fucked up way it’s comforting to me. Recovery and sobritey are new, a whole new way of living and honestly it fucking terrfies me because I’m afraid i wont be able to maintain it.. What if i fuck everything up again?

Excerpt from my journal 6-11-19

I hate you for how you treat me. I always hate you. You had the opportunity to show me how someone should love me but you blow it instead showing me the worse humanity had to offer.