This Was So Funny To Me, Lol

bruce wayne and dick grayson's relationship has me in a fucking chokehold cuz like. What do you mean theyve known eachother the longest and he was Bruce's first Robin, his first son. What do you mean they fight more often than not now? That Bruce actually kicked him out ane fired him and Dick still grew up to be the man that he is despite that. What do you mean Bruce is so irrevocably proud of him and wants to thaw the ice on their relationship but hes already done too much hasnt he?

What do you mean he thinks that touching their relationship now might do more harm than good? That Dick doesnt try to fix it either because for once in his life he doesnt want to have to be the bigger person here. He wants his dad. He wants him to come get him and hold him and tell him he never did anything wrong and that hes sorry and that he loves him. That hes still his son. What do you mean Dick grayson has resigned himself to the fact that it'll never happen?

This fic is super sweet and hilarious, highly recommend!

Distracted

Chapters: 6/6

Rating: Explicit

Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category: M/M

Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types, Superboy (Comics), Robin (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Teen Titans - All Media Types, Young Justice - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types

Relationship: Tim Drake/Kon-El | Connor Kent

Characters: Tim Drake (DCU), Kon-El | Connor Kent, Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Damian Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth, Clark Kent

Additional Tags (truncated): Mutual Pining, First Kiss, Identity Porn, Friends to Lovers, Flirting, Getting Together, Identity Reveal, Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily Shenanigans (DCU), The Boys Bully Bruce, Bruce Wayne is So Done, Jason Todd is a Menace, Fluff and Smut, Protective Older Brothers, Meet the Family, Family Dinner, Minor Bruce Wayne/Clark Kent, Minor Dick Grayson/Wally West, Oral Sex, Hand jobs, Frottage, Exhibitionism, Voyeurism, Surprise Wally West Appearance

Summary:

“Because it’s all your fault!” Kon snapped.

Robin bristled, eyes narrowing. “Oh, it’s my fault, is it?”

“Yes!” Kon tugged at his hair in frustration.

Robin stepped forward, closing the gap between them, getting in Kon’s face. “Enlighten me. How exactly is any of this my fault?”

“What color are your eyes?”

“I-” Robin took a step back in bewilderment. “What?”

~

Kon has been distracted and Robin finally confronts him.

Checkpoint

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I understand that the Red Robin run has us all in a chokehold, but I think we sometimes miss the forest for the trees. What makes it truly tragic isn't the fact that Tim is a really depressed and anxious person, but the opposite. Tim is a nerd who loves friendship and justice. He has tons of friends and contrasts a post-Jason Bruce who is withdrawn and depressed by being very outgoing and personable. That's his whole thing as a character, he exists to act as a liaison between Batman and the world.

When Red Robin starts, his father has just died, his best friend has just died, his girlfriend has just died, his mentor and some other friends have disappeared from the map, his older brother is juggling the Batman mantle and a poor ten yo Damian that has just lost his father. This is Tim at his worst mentally. He's a character built on interaction and he has no one to interact with. Add to it his canonical mental health issues, well the guy is going through it.

He pours his entire soul into the search for Bruce because he needs a fucking win. The man is spiraling the entire run. The true angst of Red Robin is not that he's a sad little mew mew, but that he isn't. We come to know him as this little guy who loves making friends and forcing Bruce to open up to others, and now we have to see him alone and desperate. He's very similar to Dick in that aspect, the drama hits you harder because you know how he is normally. And the parallels to Bruce at the start of his run as Robin are just brutal: someone wrecked by grief, alone, pouring all their energy and focus into work as an escape... And even in the middle of his crash out arc, he still ends up making friends. That's who Tim Drake is, and that's why he acts like that after losing so many people he holds dear.

What I think each Batfamily member eats in a day:

Bruce: anything Alfred prepares. Something super dense in protein and fats that follows his detailed nutrition plan to support his vigilante activities. Taste is secondary. He burnt off his tastebuds years ago during a training exercise.

Jason: Diners or takeout. Balances it with a fruit. He knows the best places in Gotham where it's cheap and filling where he can eat his weight's worth of food and no one is glancing at his laptop where he is definitely NOT orchestrating any illegal activities. He does know how to cook a few basic things like eggs but he's got things to do and he'll cook when he has peace. Except. It's him so he doesn't do peace. Now if you throw him in the tundra or a difficult terrain? He'll be able to find something and grill it to cook it properly but otherwise, he's not going to bother.

Tim: he lives in a houseboat. He never considered the kitchen in his renovation and now the stove got replaced with a Bunsen burner to test samples he found on a crime site so he has no place to cook anymore. The cupboards are just makeshift armory and have like first aid kits, menus for takeout even though the delivery driver has sworn not to waddle in the middle of the marina with Tim's noisy neighbors and Tim's sketchy house that just looks slightly off to a civilian but Tim tips well so what can the poor lad do. There's only one cupboard dedicated to food and it's Zesti cans, Dick's nutrition drinks because Dick swears by them, and dog treats for strays and to bribe Titus. I don't think he ever learnt how to cook but he will figure it out if ever ends up in that situation where he needs to.

Stephanie: ramen with veggies and eggs thrown in for nutrition, Mac and cheese, anything basic with a skillet. She had to take care of herself when Crystal couldn't and her father didn't. She is highly self sufficient so she learns by watching Barbara or any YouTube tutorials for nutrition packed foods that taste good and are easy to make.

Cass: a pan to her is better as weapon to take down a mob. Food though is a rare indulgence she gets to keep so she goes to different places to try out different dishes. She doesn't cook but she likes to watch Steph hum while she's cooking and her body sways-dances contentedly to 90s punk rock.

Dick: whenever he gets time, he meal preps the quickest meals ever. Stuffs everything he made in the freezer for like three-six months if not longer because he'll forget. Is it probably expired? Maybe, but his stomach has withstood much worse. He'll have a bunch of nutrition bars and those meal replacement nutrition drinks stocked. He's used to cooking in bulk and the lesson in cooking is: if it tastes bad, you aren't adding enough herbs and spices. Luckily for him, he can store dried herbs and spices in airtight containers and use them for months.

Duke: home cooked meals with food that ISN'T seasoned by a former MI6 British butler. These are family meals made with love and care. He is living his life.

Damian: when he first came to Gotham, he ate whatever Alfred made though he did complain like a fussy kid. He still eats everything and values the high nutrition density but he will sneak in extra pepper and salt and make requests occasionally for halwa to sate his sweet tooth.

Barbara: no one taught her how to cook and she and her father ate takeout while he went through his case files and she listened on the police scanner and called in the tip lines to help solve cases pre-batgirl. She learnt how to cook during college because surviving on a diet of just pizza and ramen wasn't sustainable as Batgirl and she values being able to do things for herself. After becoming Oracle, she pushed harder to learn how to cook very well but even if she knows how to cook now, she is still bad at avoiding takeout (if she's not forgetting meals in favor of working that is).

What if Dick’s hallucinations of Jason got so out of hand that he began to believe that the spirit of his brother was trapped in his coffin and needed to be laid to rest?

So, like, HalluciJason normally just hangs out in the corner of Dick’s eye and occasionally blames Dick for his death. But one day, HalluciJason begins to talk about how he’s trapped. How it’s so dark and it smells like dirt and there’s velvet beneath his fingers and he can’t breathe. At first Dick tells himself to just ignore the hallucination, he’s just crazy. But over time, as HalluciJason starts to venture further and further into Dick’s field of vision, it becomes harder and harder to ignore his pleas. Something about the hallucination becomes more substantial, more real.

Eventually, Dick breaks. He goes to the graveyard where Jason is buried and digs up his grave. Bruce, who has noticed Dick slipping, is horrified when he finds out what Dick is doing and rushes to the graveyard.

He arrives just as Dick finishes digging and Jason bursts out of his coffin. Dick hugs his little brother, covered in dirt and sweat and tears.

After this, everyone believes that Dick was actually having visions and wasn’t going crazy at all. Stranger things have happened—like Jason’s resurrection. He was trapped in his coffin, if only briefly. And if Dick hadn’t been there, Jason would’ve indeed suffocated.

(But two weeks after Jason returns to life, Dick sees him, just in the corner of his eye. A boy dressed in a bloody Robin suit. Jason. Watching, with pale blue eyes.)

Help choose a pairing!

Monsters at Heart/Under Star Filled Skies fans, I'm stuck. Please let me know, should I give Tim one very sweet love interest or three all working together to support him? I can't decide and it's delaying the chapter

Doing a reread of Nightwing and honestly, I kinda forgot that whole thing at the start of Wolfman’s run with Raptor where Dick got buried alive and had to dig his way out and now I’m just imagining it coming up in conversation with Jason

Jason: yeah digging myself out was no fun at all. You start to feel all weird because of the lack of oxygen, and combine that with the mud under your fingers - a sensory nightmare. I still can’t touch mud.

Dick: oh yeah I get that totally. When I had to dig my way out, I remember looking at my hands and -

Jason: wait, dig your way out - when the fuck did that happen?!

Dick: yeah, it was just after that time you came to New York!

Jason: *bluescreening*

Dick: you steal my suit, I steal your shtick

Jason should kill the Joker and just not tell anyone. like, lets be real here, if he were to silently slip in and kill the Joker in his sleep, are any of the workers at Arkham really going to give enough of a shit to say anything??? with the paperwork they’d have to do, and the attention they’d get once the media caught wind of the break in/murder, i bet all Jason would have to do is leave like, a basket of muffins next to the dead body as a thank you and the staff would just dispose of the body and shut the fuck up about it.

i bet you he could get through a solid six to eight month period of being weirdly happy and interactive with the rest of the family before Dick finally asks why he’s been in such a good mood lately over family dinner

Jason, casually: i dunno, i guess i’ve just had a weight lifted from my shoulders; there’s less to drive me away now.

Bruce, thinking he’s finally done something right: aw Jaylad, i’m so happy you’re feeling more comfortable!

Dick, the only batkid around when Jason was Robin, remembering all the times Jason would transform into the happiest kid on the planet only for them to find out a week later it was because he’d pushed a bully down the stairs at school and fractured his wrist: hold on B.

Dick: Jay, what weight has been lifted?

Jason, still nonplussed: well i finally got my GED, and the Joker thing really calmed the lazarus rage. also Steph got me into puppy yoga, we go once a week.

Bruce:

Bruce: what Joker thing.

Jason, glancing up from his food: ? d’i not mention that? he’s dead, man.

Bruce:

Dick:

Dick: sorry, what?

Tim: why the fuck am i never invited to puppy yoga?

Bruce, having a panic attack: y- what are you talking about Jay-

Tim: i would LOVE to go to puppy yoga. what the FUCK?

Jason, shrugging: you can come to puppy yoga, replacement, it’s all good

Bruce: the Joker’s dead?

Tim: FUCK YEAH, PUPPY YOGA

Jason: i think they do it with goats too.

Damian: i would be interested in this activity.

Jason: hell yeah family yoga session

Bruce: JASON PLEASE EXPAND ON THE JOKER THING

Jason: no i don’t like your tone. anyway, dick, puppy yoga?

Dick:

Dick, glancing at Bruce’s glare nervously: …i would be down for puppy yoga

Robins are weird about stairs.  And I think that’s a learned behavior.

(Also, I think Jason knows that his way is not effective in a fight.  But, I also think he wouldn’t be able to resist trolling the other Robins.)

Based of this scene:

All characters belong to DC Comics . Artwork by Meredith McClaren