I Love That Feeling Where You Yawn And It Extends Your Ears Or Something And Everything Sounds Crisp

Flu shot + COVID shot + testosterone

My uncle about my qpr

“ just a couple of wackos”

I made it through Christmas and only cried once!!!!!

Now I will lie in bed and look at my gifts and use every gift I can immediately.

Anyone want to hear about the stuff I got? /hj

Sleeping in my own bed, never

Sleeping on my grandmas couch or in her spare bed, YESSSSSS

Pomegranate is fucked up.

That does not say pomegranate, that says Pom-é-gra-nah-té

I think it should be spelt pomagranat

I need someone to kiss me but I swear to god the thought of someone kissing me makes me feel sick.

Like, what?

How do I need to be kissed but also the thought repulses me

I need to kiss someone but also magically make it so I can’t be kissed back but not in a rejection way

I need someone to kiss me but without the kiss

Like wtf does my brain want right now?

Am I going insane?

Is this a neurodivergent thing? An aromantic thing? An ace spectrum thing?

WTF IS THIS?!?!?!?

I love complaining. Complaining is such a universal activity.

Early in the week, it’s Monday 🙄

Hungry, I haven’t eaten In AGES

Tired, I need a nap

The complaints just keep coming

I’ll complain about school, I’ll complain about classmates, I’ll complain about being trans, I’ll complain about being mentally ill.

I don’t actually want to fix anything I just LOVE to complain

I broke no contact, instantly regretted it necessary I was finally starting not to feel like a price of shit because of the break up 🙄

Here’s something I wrote for English:

Three passions I live for.

To live for nothing is the same as to not live. The passions that rule my life are to live, to learn, and to long. To live in a way that inspires future generations of my family is what drives me to reach goals that do not seem possible considering how I live currently. To learn the ways of past generations and to learn how to be sustainable for the future of humanity, and to learn the ways of the academics who have provided the information I seek to acquire in my life. To long for a family and friends and a career is what drives me to seek new things and to brave the world and search for adventure.

I have wished to live a life that brings pride to future generations and my future descendants. I wish to live to put my mark on the world and to make a difference. To wish to live is a wish that is both constantly and never fulfilled. Wishing to live is fulfilled every morning I wake up and let my feet hit the ground. It is fulfilled every time I take a breath and let the air flow through my nose into my windpipe and fill my lungs. It is fulfilled with every connection I make and every skill I learn. Wishing to live can never be fulfilled until one day I don't wake up one morning and can't let my breath through my nose, into my windpipe and to fill my lungs and can't make any more connections or use any more skills. You do not live until you sit at the end of your life and think, "wow i really lived." and even at the end of your life when your breaths come hard and connections are weak you still will sit and wonder if your connections were enough to make your mark, if your skills will be passed on.

The wish for my skills to be passed on encourages the need to learn. The need to learn every skill and to become a master of every skill you lay a hand on. Treating every skill we learn like a piece of coal, brought up from a cave by our mothers and fathers and mentors, for us to turn into a diamond with the pressure of our own two hands. As we enhance our skills we refine that diamond until we can place it in a display of works that can be taught to our children and nieces and nephews and grandchildren. Passing down the diamonds that represent our skills to these younger generations so they can keep refining the diamond. Our diamonds get passed down and that is the mark we leave on our children. We learn the skills of our ancestors through diamonds passed through our families. We learn the way of the future through the coal we are gifted. In the end I will have a display of diamonds and a collection of skills that will be useful not only to me but to the future of my blood.

Seeking these collections of skills come from longing. I long for skills and I long for a life that fits the paradise I have imagined. I long for a career that comes from skills. Skills sharpened to give an advantage over the competition. The need to learn to follow the flow of the bustling web of people surrounding me clashing with the wish to live in an impactful way. The longing for both trying to break free from inside. We long for an opportunity to be memorable to our generation and to future generations.

Living and learning and longing are my passions. Living for the opportunity to make a mark, learning skills to pass on and longing for a perfect life may seem future oriented, yet, these have given me reason to live. These three concepts, simple in saying however hard in practice, have brought a purpose to my life. To live for future generations for me is to live for the product of what I have done and what I have become.

@grey-loves-dragons

Aer: do you think we are best friends in every universe

Me: of course