I Can't Tell If Other People Are Confusing Or If I'm The Confusing One.

Just a reminder that Robots (2005) has two on-screen sexual reassignment surgeries which happen to two different characters.

My friends probably wouldn't believe this, but I consider posting something in my friend group's groupchat 20 to 30 times before actually posting it unprompted. I'm not sure if this is normal or anxiety.

cw: voice dysphoria

Voice training is great and it has done wonders for me, but I cannot describe to you how much I want that sound that happens when cis women try to make their voice deeper but their range isn't low enough.

Singing in the baritone range feels nice enough for similar reasons to thus, but I would gladly give up that part of my range if I could just have a voice that makes me happy.

Mildly related: I was a tenor in choir back in high school, but it never felt high enough. I found myself getting jealous of countertenors and castratos, all because I couldn't recognize that I was experiencing gender dysphoria.

I want the universe to know that regardless of whether anyone else sees a woman when they look at me, regardless of which pronouns I am called upon with, regardless of which bathroom I use, regardless of the name or sex on my driver's license, regardless of the clothes I am allowed to wear, regardless of whether or not I see myself as a woman, I am happy with the shape of my body for the first time in my life because I started hormone replacement therapy a little over a year ago. I could live the rest of my life as a man if it meant that I could be happy and at peace with this flesh.

That I could go an entire year without feeling like my skeleton is trying to rip free from the flesh and tendons and skin covering my bones is a miracle. That I could go an entire year without wondering what the next body horror avatar of the flesh werewolf transformation I will have to endure next is a blessing. That I could see my reflection in the mirror and she and I are the same person is all I could ask for.

I understand not everyone can live that way, but I need anyone at all to understand the relief I feel every day. No difference of belief or values could take this away from me. Only hatred. I have ideologies, but their importance pales in comparison to value I place on access to HRT. This is for myself and no one else. The joy I feel. Strip me of all other dignities out of what you believe is the proper way for me to interact with the world, but no one can dictate the relationship I have with myself. The only reason anyone could possibly want to take this away from me is to cause me pain.

Get you a girl with too many arms. Get you a girl with an uncommon number of limbs. Get you a girl with uncommon limbs.

I wish I could fall asleep in bed as easily as when I'm trying to do homework on the couch.

Sometimes I wonder how I didn't realize I was trans until I was 21 years old and then I remember that my dad gaslit me into believing I was white until I was about 16 years old.

I've been terrified of going insane for a long time now, specifically loss of lucidity/memory. When I was in high school, I would occasionally have minor hallucinations when I wasn't getting enough sleep.

The most afraid I've been in my life was once when I lost access to all my memories for about thirty seconds. I couldn't recall any details about my identity or my whereabouts (my apartment).

I think the second most disturbing experience was years ago when I was in the shower and I thought my hair turned into spider legs. It took every fiber of my being not to freak out and start thrashing my limbs all over the place.

The last time I visited my dad, he described two occasions of having hallucinations similar to ones I've had, so I asked if my family has a history of mental illness. He said his grandmother or something like that "went crazy," so that wasn't very helpful or reassuring.

I think overall, the best thing to do is enjoy life now. Worrying about the future will probably just make it hard to deal with. Eventually I should talk to a therapist, but I'm happy where I am.

Is it wrong that when I first heard the Micheal Distortion from TMA being described, I just imagined Dylan Brady with big hands?

Introductions

Name: Esther (She/It)

Interests (in no particular order): Chemistry, TTRPGs, cool rocks, video games, making friends, ASL, arts and crafts, dedicated and improvised tools, caving, cosplay, space exploration, music, buying lots of books (and comics) without reading them, and lots of other things!

Ideal Aesthetics: Alchemical, academic, astrology girl, furry, elf princess, sci-fi, butch.