Oh Yeah, We Bloopin’

This plot is thicker than frozen butter

>"person of interest" captured in Altoona PA

>POI was stopped at a McDonald's getting food

>carrying multiple fake IDs and a passport

>also carrying manifesto and potential murder weapon + silencer

>identified based on hostel mugshot that doesn't appear to be the same person in other photos

>fake ID matches the one used by POI at Hostel, where they already knew this person was

>picture of the shooter that they claim to have tracked back to the Starbucks has noticeably thinner and wider eyebrows than POI, as well as completely different clothing

>suspect was purportedly tracked from crime scene on cameras and disappeared at a bus station

>greyhound NYC to Altoona PA is less than a day, as is a Greyhound from NYC to Toronto

>shooter has been roaming free for five days

>NYPD, the most vain police department in the world, has been pursuing even the most fuckstupid leads they have (veterinary pistol lol) and spreading photos that are obviously not all the same person

>NYPD has a long history of fabricating evidence against arrested suspects and then dropping cases in court, having done this with a murder case as recently as this past January

>New York City is the financial capital of the nation and needs to appear safe for the capitalist class or it will surely hemorrhage funding

>Eric Adams, Mayor of New York, is currently embroiled in a humiliating corruption investigation and doesn't have much remaining face he can afford to lose

did i ever tell you guy about the time i got stuck in a room with the kpop band BTS in the santiago airport in 2017

Found the bard

A young apprentice recently overheard me practicing rapping, I was surprised to find he was impressed with my ablities and even suggested publishing it, following his advice: here is one of my more recent works

strokes beard wisely

Yuh,

big AW in the studio, be prepared young traveler...

*beat drop*

Yall little minds aren't prepared for my wizardry, casting all my spells bending minds and reality, your world is a lie, I made it, call that a trickery, your spells are decadent, don't have it in you anymore, my long game victory

there's no kingdom I couldn't conquer,, if I wanted to, foes in war too simple,, getting bored of you, battling puny mortals ain't as fun as it used to, I surpassed what you can comprehend, make me the god of you

*music cuts to choir sample*

*music returneth*

but everyone calls themselves a god these days, regular ass wizards, playing pretend, you think you figured it out, you just stopped aging man, godhood, immortality, is 'bout something else

the tales of my battles are spread far across the lands, killed a dragon over here, flattened a city over there,, my powers uncontrollable, my flow boggling minds again, was sealed away for aeons once, now sealing the potholes of the walk of fame- we're done

*audible explosion*

Jelly (grape)

okay fucking fine guys lets make the most fucked up sandwich ever since that's all you want to do.

I'll start: bread

Elon Musk is a clown.

I slept in and just woke up, so here's what I've been able to figure out while sipping coffee:

Twitter has officially rebranded to X just a day or two after the move was announced.

The official branding is that a tweet is now called "an X", for which there are too many jokes to make.

The official account is still @twitter because someone else owns @X and they didn't reclaim the username first.

The logo is 𝕏 which is the Unicode character Unicode U+1D54F so the logo cannot be copyrighted and it is highly likely that it cannot be protected as a trademark.

Outside the visual logo, the trademark for the use of the name "X" in social media is held by Meta/Facebook, while the trademark for "X" in finance/commerce is owned by Microsoft.

The rebranding has been stopped in Japan as the term "X Japan" is trademarked by the band X JAPAN.

Elon had workers taking down the "Twitter" name from the side of the building. He did not have any permits to do this. The building owner called the cops who stopped the crew midway through so the sign just says "er".

He still plans to call his streaming and media hosting branch of the company as "Xvideo". Nobody tell him.

This man wants you to give him control over all of your financial information.

Edit to add further developments:

Yes, this is all real. Check the notes and people have pictures. I understand the skepticism because it feels like a joke, but to the best of my knowledge, everything in the above is accurate.

Microsoft also owns the trademark on X for chatting and gaming because, y'know, X-box.

The logo came from a random podcaster who tweeted it at Musk.

The act of sending a tweet is now known as "Xeet". They even added a guide for how to Xeet.

The branding change is inconsistent. Some icons have changed, some have not, and the words "tweet" and "Twitter" are still all over the place on the site.

TweetDeck is currently unaffected and I hope it's because they forgot that it exists again. The complete negligence toward that tool and just leaving it the hell alone is the only thing that makes the site usable (and some of us are stuck on there for work).

This is likely because Musk was forced out of PayPal due to a failed credit line project and because he wanted to rename the site to "X-Paypal" and eventually just to "X".

This became a big deal behind the scenes as Musk paid over $1 million for the domain X.com and wanted to rebrand the company that already had the brand awareness people were using it as a verb to "pay online" (as in "I'll paypal you the money")

X.com is not currently owned by Musk. It is held by a domain registrar (I believe GoDaddy but I'm not entirely sure). Meaning as long as he's hung onto this idea of making X Corp a thing, he couldn't be arsed to pay the $15/year domain renewal.

Bloomberg estimates the rebranding wiped between $4 to $20 billion from the valuation of Twitter due to the loss of brand awareness.

The company was already worth less than half of the $44 billion Musk paid for it in the first place, meaning this may end up a worse deal than when Yahoo bought Tumblr.

One estimation (though this is with a grain of salt) said that Twitter is three months from defaulting on its loans taken out to buy the site. Those loans were secured with Tesla stock. Meaning the bank will seize that stock and, since it won't be enough to pay the debt (since it's worth around 50-75% of what it was at the time of the loan), they can start seizing personal assets of Elon Musk including the Twitter company itself and his interest in SpaceX.

Sesame Street's official accounts mocked the rebranding.

When did fuzzy dice in cars ever go out of style? They’re awesome little doo-dads!

hello google chrome refugees

don't use any of these browsers, they're also chrome

Here are my favorite firefox plugins for security/anti-tracking/anti-ad that I recommend you get

please get off chrome google is currently being investigated for being an Illegal Monopoly so get outta there okay love you bye

Oh I’m praying for him alright 😈

Tumblr on the Seven Seas

🏴‍☠️ white-beard Follow

Can we stop all normalising the use of "sc*rvy" as a fun little thing to call people?? I literally had sc*rvy last year and it was even worse than when I got my hand cut off. Fuck anyone who uses the S word without even considering how triggering it can be to those of us who have ACTUALLY suffered though it

🌅 castedaway Follow

No wenches?

🏴‍☠️ white-beard Follow

Honestly you people are so insufferable I genuinely hope you walk the plank

🌅 castedaway Follow

AHOY???

🍑 plundermebooty Follow

Okay but OP is literally a landlubber, mateys

🌴 pegmeg

nahhh why is it literally always landlubbers faking scurvy and sending plank threats ☠☠

768 notes

🗡wagscallion Follow

everyone says "land ho!" but never "land ma'am"

💨 matelotsaboteur

Really makes you think

2,041 notes

💃 crossdressing101 Follow

this whole crew was so gullible ngl, i just cut my hair and dressed in my fathers clothes and they all fell for it, hook line and sinker??

💃 crossdressing101 Follow

honestly im surprised no one has found me out yet. surely i dont seem that much like a man? i mean it makes this way easier but like. im still a woman. obviously

🕺 crossdressing101 Follow

mateys i have come to a shocking realisation,

34 notes

⛵ privatesteer Follow

wildest argument for piracy i've ever heard was that the gold stored on government ships is dangerous cause it weighs them down, so they're just 'lightening the load'

🧜‍♀️ kiss-pretty-ocean324 Follow

աaռռa ʟɨֆȶɛռ ȶօ ֆɨʀɛռ ֆօռɢ?

⛵ privatesteer Follow

no thanks

🕶 monstermaterdeactivated16520210

outta my way gayboy im boutta get it

🕶 monstermaterdeactivated16520210

i have drowned at sea

36,251 notes

⚓ shiveringtimbers Follow

14,811 notes

🌏 boat-enthusiast Follow

i am SO sick of the term "ship-shape" like, matey, which shape?? Ships come in so many fucking shapes like have non of you ever boarded more than one vessel in your career???? Anyway fake ship fans DNI with this post i can NOT be bothered with your tomfuckery today

💦 longjohngolder Follow

girl its not that deep ☠

🌏 boat-enthusiast Follow

to YOU. i just get it

1,147 notes

🙍‍♂️ dudeindistress Follow

honestly being held for ransom isnt that bad. kinda nice to be held

4,733 notes

🦜 pollypockets Follow

SQUAWK

🐦 aviated Follow

CAW SQUAWK SQUAWK

🦜 pollypockets Follow

CA-CAW

790 notes

🍑 plundermebooty Follow

the cabin boy just winked at me?? after offering to help clean my gun? privately. in my quarters. tonight.

🍑 plundermebooty Follow

i think i hauve scurvy

142 notes

🌊 swabmydick Follow

mateys I SWEARR my captain and his first mate are gonna kiss before our next voyage. they literally have so much romantic tension every time i see them its nauseating

🕶 longjohngolderdeactivated16511205

wtf its so problematic and harmful to ship real people?? unfollowing rn i thought you were better than this

🌊 swabmydick Follow

i literally rob and kill people for a living?????? that's where you draw the line???

🌴 pegmeg

op killed them

🌊 swabmydick Follow

even better news mateys, they kissed ☠☠☠

96,538 notes