I Never Thought I Would Be Proposed To By A Telemarker But I Guess Sometimes Things Happen???

I know this is a joke but I desperately need this to happen

musk is going to die in a Tesla explosion in 6 months after sticking his nose where it doesn't belong and we will never get a conclusive answer on whether it was a CIA car bomb or just a normal Tesla malfunction

I need this expeditiously

Someone please, I beg you right a thick. I will sell you my first wait. No Im ace, so I'm not gonna sell you my first born. I aint having no children. Those things are too slimy. I don't want one.Will find something. I will sell you my kidney.I have two of those only need one of those bitches. please someone write this I beg you.

AU where in order to be able to secretly hang out with his favourite league bro, after he gets to Gotham Damian creates a second secret identity which is literally just him in a voice modulated motorcycle helmet so he can be Red Hood’s occasional sidekick without the bats knowing it’s him, except the issue is that Damian has a lot of ‘old man’ energy surrounding him. from his weirdly mature posture, his manner of speaking, to the odd knowledge he possesses that a child of his age should NOT have; when you can’t see any part of his head, theres pretty much nothing pointing towards the fact that he’s a little kid. this leads to Hood’s subordinates instantly assuming that Hood’s sidekick is not, infact, a child, but instead a very small man/somebody with some kind of dwarfism.

Jason honestly isn’t sure whether or not he should correct his men, because on one hand its kinda funny to watch Damian awkwardly interact with this group of people who clearly think he, like them, is some 30yr old geezer with a possible wife and kids at home, not to mention its a secret identity for a reason he doesn’t want to leak information for no reason-

but on the other hand they keep offering his kid brother beers and cigarettes. which.

Goon: hey man, you see the game last night? fucking wild.

Damian, spent last night letting Tim teach him how to play with Pokémon cards but doesn’t want to seem immature: …yes. i did, indeed, watch that game.

Goon 2: fucked up that that last play wasn’t called out; the bar practically rioted. hey you should come with us next week for the next game, let us buy you a beer or somthin. Hood tags along with us sometimes, should be fun!

Damian:

Jason, struggling not to laugh:

Damian:

Damian: i have prior engagements.

Goon 1: haha, let me guess, your s/o dont want you out late?

Damian:

Damian, leaning in to Jason to whisper: what… what is an ‘s/o’

Jason, coughing to cover laughter: they uh, they think you got a wife or a husband waiting for you at home.

Damian:

Damian, turning back to the goons: i… have no idea what to say right now.

Jason: *pats him on the shoulder* alright buddy, you go finish up the weapons shipment, dont worry.

Jason to the goons, after Damian leaves: recently divorced, sore subject.

the goons: *empathetic hums of understanding*

~

Goon: here man, have a drink to take home with ya *tries to pass Damian a bottle of whiskey*

Damian: um.

Damian: *slowly edging forward to hesitatingly take the bottle, for lack of knowing what else to do*

Jason, bellowing from across the warehouse: OI!

Damian: *freezes, bottle in hand*

Goon:

Damian:

Damian: *slowly, ashamed, passes the bottle back*

Jason: THATS WHAT I THOUGHT.

Goon: uhm…

~

Goon: hey, boss? why wont you let the new guy drink?

Jason:

Jason, doesn’t want to out Damian’s identity: he’s a recovering alcoholic. im his sponsor.

Goon:

~

Damian, on the way back to Jason’s apartment: Todd.

Jason: mm?

Damian: one of your men asked if i had any chiropractor reccomendations for back pain.

Jason: *bites lip*

Damian: how old do they think i AM?

Jason:

Jason: i may have implied somewhere in your fifties.

Damian:

Damian: WHY WOULD-

Jason: IT SEEMED FUNNY.

I FUCKING FOUND IT! the bad batch one that exists not the one I was looking for for over an hour before I remembered it was the wrong Fandom

Anyway it's called

A Shift in the Galaxy by Lif61(UltimateFandomTrash) and it's from a nerodivergent tech week series

I can't find this on fanfic and i swear I'm going insane 5 miunits ago I was convinced it was a marauders fic but now that I'm thinking about it more it might have been bad batch but god fucking damn it I need this as a marauders fic!!!

What the fic actually is is crosshair is techs safety person so when he leave tech starts writing letters to him that he hides in his room but after tech dies and crosshair comes back crosshair finds the letters and reads them and it's from hid pov

But now imagine a marauders edition of this where Regulus writes Sirius letters after he left but never sends them just keeps them in a box in his room then years later when Sirius is living in grimmaul place(is that how you spell that idk) Sirius finally works up the courage to go in his brother's room (which obviously kretcher Katcher Kracher htf do you spell the little elf's name has kept perfect) anyway when Sirius goes into Reg room he find and reads the letter and it would all be gloriously depressing

So anyway I did go insane I found the bad batch fic and I need the marauders version on my desk by Monday

I've Had this tabed for 2 hours trying to find this damn fic I Remember It Now I'm Not Crazy I JUST NEED TO FIND THE FUCKER

So I started using a cane and my initial thoughts for the first day using around campus all day are...

It makes nosie I didn't realize it would make that much noise how I didn't realize that while using it at home I don't know but out in public very aware of the clicking sound

My ankles still a little sore but like it dosnt Hurt just sore usually it hurts by now

My back hurts but that's unrelated I just forgot to where the brace

You can trip over a cane like you do your feet

So far anthropology professor is the only one who hasent brought attention to me using a cane now

I apparently can't use it for long on my right side before my rist hurts 🙃 but it feels unnatural to use it with my off hand at first

Neither knee hurts right now to that good

I don't know why but my sleep deprived brain just read this as P.M. supernova

Hey @pmseymourva..?

That moment when you realize cum was the first salad dressing:

Me and my friend rewatching banana fish

Friend: why do we torcher ourselves like this

Me for some god awful reason: because pain is an easy emotion to feel and it reminds us that we still have emotions to feel so we enjoy the suffering that reminds us were human

Friend: why...

Hears all the witch craft that I hide in the basement of my christian parents house