As The Solitude Comforts Me,

“It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it's happening.”

✨Fucked it up again ✨

The music dances inside my mind,

It's beautiful and it's urgent

It's my escape from words that I can't find the symphony to write.

I'm so sick of these destructive defense mechanisms that do protect me from getting hurt but at the same time trigger the fear of abandonment, because of which I employ these mechanisms in the first place.

What the fuck.

“The other day, lying in bed, I felt my heart beating for the first time in a long while. I realized how little I live in my body, how much in my mind”

-Rodger kamenetz, from Terra infirma

Low and low, I sink

lo and behold, I crumble.

Time to go underground and push everyone away after an overwhelming weekend.

Lol I hate being fucking self aware.