The Music Dances Inside My Mind,

back from a vacation to the same spirals and work, home sweet home.

I just read “each time you open a book and read, a tree smiles knowing there's life after death”and OH MY GOD

TW: suicide attempt

A year ago, tonight was the night, I tried to kill myself by overdosing on my antidepressant and antianxiety medication.

There are a lot of parallels between that night and tonight: I was alone in my room, I had smoked, I thought about how lonely I am even after being surrounded by people I love and who love me.

I was stuck in an overthinking loop that night, I just couldn't get out of it. My mind kept on telling me that there's only one way to end it so that's what I did. I tried to end everyone's misery (I thought I was a burden on everyone, that they would be better off without me) so I did what I did.

I ended up being a burden.

I got into emergency, then ICU, which was the loneliest I've ever felt.

After being at home, listening to my parents taunting me every chance they got, I kind of got better.

I'm not always happy but I'm also not crying my eyes out every night.

I'm just okay. Getting by.

I thought I'll cry tonight but nothing so far. Does that mean I've grown? Or am I stronger? Or I just don't care anymore.

As a mentally ill, chronically ill, atheist person I really do wish I believed sometimes. Give me something or someone to blame or bargain with. But I’m just alone in this decaying universe stuck inside a decaying dysfunctional meat suit.

I can't form so much as a tear

but I seem to be drowning still.

Just dissociating after crying and spiralling for losing a bunch of hair, courtesy of my antidepressant and lack of self care. Enough living for today.

Lol I hate being fucking self aware.

I'm not the past version of myself who didn’t rest,

I'm not okay and I need the help.