My Mind Often Contradicts The Heart

Relating to this on another level these days.

bpd culture is feeling like you're getting better until you start dating someone and getting interested in them and then realizing you're still so, so broken

.

How do I make someone understand

just how much I have to fight everyday?

That I'm perpetually at war with my brain

that I don't let myself lean on anyone but myself

even if it makes the fire harder to extinguish

but isn't that what I really want?

To burn and burn

and burn.

Trying to not to be afraid of this energy. One of the days when I feel sorry for myself. Sigh.

Along with bpd, is unreal in another dimension

having bipolar and being told you have it for the rest of your life with no cure feels so unreal to me.

I can't feel the hurt or the pain,

only the excruciating absence of happiness.

The bone chilling winter comes after my soul

as I run through the slippery woods

plummeting inside the abyss.

i feel so alone all the goddamn time.

I need to destroy myself to feel satisfied

Three days of no meds and sleepiness and full stomach. I wonder how it would be when I start taking my meds again from tomorrow.

You stumble at my doorstep again

with the sly smile and sparkly eyes

that I fell in love with at once

and you pull me close

keep my heart in your warm hands

while you whisper our names together,

oh, how my heart just beats right of your hands.

I love you, with the pieces and mirrors

and blood and tears,

I love you with all my breaths and being.