Please Don’t Leave Me, I Love You. I Really Do.

What an odd unexpected morning...

Last night, after getting some flashbacks and remembering something that happened to me when I was 15 with a 21-year-old. We had a very toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship. A lot of suicide guilt trips, and other unsavory things. I couldn’t exactly leave even when I tried, because he would threaten himself and me. I got into this weird dissociative fog after a massive panic attack, rereading old logs we had shared nearly 8 years ago. Something in me snapped and pressed that I needed to reach out. So I did. I didn't think I would ever get a reply back, but just the attempt felt enough. Surprisingly...He did, in fact, reply, hours later. I felt a little more than horrified, and of course, broke into another panic attack, my heart was racing and I was trembling. But.. we talked. For a short period of time. I told him why I had messaged him. What he did to me and how I felt and how I still felt. He told me he was sorry for what he did and had/has been in therapy since then and is a better person than he was nearly 10 years ago. He asked me if he could have my forgiveness and I told him I could forgive him as a person, but his actions would take longer. Overall things went ok, and a part of me feels better. He was only one of many who had hurt me, but probably one of the only ones I’d ever be able to get an apology from and know they felt guilt and remorse for what they did to me. So.. I’m glad I was able to do this for myself as scary as it was. In a way at this point in time that scary awful toxic abusive guy that I knew is gone, I don’t have to worry about his existence anymore, I have one less person to be afraid of. He can’t hurt me anymore ever again. I hope somewhere deep inside that this has healed at least a tiny part of me.

What even am I to him? I’m tired of the questioning. Im just going to give up I guess. He’ll never love me the same way. Im just going to settle for my ex and forget any feelings I have for him. Im tired of being lonely and confused and unloved, my daydreams have become hell knowing it will never be real. Im done.

Love doesnt exist.

❤

trance or something | 28.04.19

opportunity.

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chronic pain [ID: Two boxes with drawings in them,the first one is an arm outstretched with an x-ray like bones inside of the arm and hand. The bones have flowers and plants in them. The box under has a drawing of a torso with again bones showing with flowers in them.]

dreamcast~*~*~*