Head Canons For The Slytherins In A Little Band

Severus: Lily! My face is on fire!

Lily: Severus! Are you ok?!

Severus: Oh yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly.

Lily: But your face is on fire.

Severus: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

YOU WTF THEY TALKIN ABOUT, DO WHAT!? WTF IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

WHYS IT GOTTA BE A CLIFFHANGER!?!?

He knows!

They're so cute! ❤❤❤

I can't wait till they finally get together!!!

Severus: So what’s for dinner?

Regulus: I can’t tell you, it’s a soup-prise!

Severus: …

Severus: Is it soup?

Regulus: I soup-pose it could be! *winks*

Severus: Please, enough with the soup puns!

Regulus: Wow, you’re soup-per mean.

Severus: STOP!

*one hour later*

Severus: It’s fucking tacos?!?!?!

Sirius: I mean. Severus's just standing there now.

Sirius: Waiting for me, I guess.

Sirius: But it's okay, I think he's pretty much settled down.

Remus: Settled down?

Sirius: Well, he only stabbed me once.

More incorrect quotes

{With some, they will be out of character}

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Regulus: What do you think Severus will do for a distraction?

Lucius: he’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*

Lucius: ... or he could do that.

**************************************

Regulus: Why are you on the floor?

Severus: I'm depressed.

Severus: Also I was stabbed, can you get Lucius, please.

*************************************

Lucius: Naturally, we are on the cutting edge of technology.

Severus, amazed: Wow...

Regulus, to Severus: Well what does that mean?

Severus: I don't know.

Severus, to Lucius: What does that mean?

************************************

Lucius: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

Severus: I'm a knife.

Regulus, from across the room: He's the little spoon.

***********************************

Regulus: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.

Severus: Next time you’re working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. You can do it. I believe in you.

Lucius: There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t-

**********************************

Lucius: What if I press the brake and gas at the same time?

Regulus: The car takes a screenshot.

Severus: For the last time, get the fuck out.

*********************************

Sirius: So, what, now I’m just supposed to do anything that Severus does? I mean, what if he jumped off a cliff?

Remus: If Severus were to jump off a cliff, he would’ve done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see Severus jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.

Sirius: You jump off a cliff!

Remus: Gladly. Provided Severus did first.

********************************

Sirius: I told Severus his ears flush when he lie's.

Remus: Why?

Sirius: Look.

Sirius: Hey Severus! Do you love us?

Severus, covering his ears: No.

Remus:

*******************************

Sirius: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Severus: The cow???

Sirius: What?

Remus: Severus, W H Y?

******************************

Sirius, at a restaurant: You guys should get the orange soda, it's amazing.

Severus: Okay

Waiter: Can I get you guys anything to drink?

Sirius: Orange soda, please!

Severus: I'll have the strawberry soda.

Remus: Me too, strawberry soda.

Sirius:

*****************************

Sirius, driving Severus and Remus: So how was your day?

Severus: We almost got surprise adopted!

Sirius: What?

Remus: We almost got kidnapped.

Sirius: Oh, okay.

Sirius: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

****************************

Severus, texting Sirius: Sirius! Help I’m being kidnapped

Remus: Where are you?

Severus: I’m with some strange person. In a car. Help.

Sirius: I’ll call Remus.

Remus, answering their cell: Y’ello?

Sirius: Where’s Severus? He texted me that he was being kidnapped.

Remus: Severus? Whaddya mean, he's right next to me-

Remus:

Remus: I’ll call you back. *hangs up*

Remus: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN’T THAT BAD!

Severus: WHO ARE YOU?!

***************************

Severus, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him

Sirius: You did WHAT–

Remus: William Snakepeare

**************************

*The squad is having dinner together*

Sirius: Remus, can you pass the salt?

Remus: *Throws Severus across the table*

*************************

Sirius: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?

Severus: How am I supposed to know?

Remus: You say, as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.

Severus: *sighs*

Severus: You wouldn't be trapped.

************************

Severus: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

Remus: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Severus: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Sirius: edible

***********************

Sirius: Hah! 69! You know what that means?

Remus: What?

Severus: That you're a child.

James: HOW'D YOU GUESS MY IQ!?

**********************

Severus: Care for another sundae, weenie?

Remus: I am not a weenie!

James: Relax, you’re among friends. *raises his drink*

Remus: My friends don’t hang out at Weenie Hut Jr’s.

Sirius: You tell ‘em, Remus! *sips their drink*

Remus: Sirius, what’re you doing here?

Sirius: I’m always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays.

*********************

Severus: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

Remus:

James:

Sirius:

Everyone Else At Severus’s Surprise Birthday Party:

Remus: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

********************

Lucius: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Severus: 'Prettiest Smile'

Regulus: 'Nicest Personality'

James: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Sirius: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

*******************

Sirius: Why cant trees give off something important like wifi??

Severus: So fuck oxygen, I guess.

******************

Severus: ...This is one of those moments where it doesn't really matter what I have to say, isn't it?

*****************

Regulus: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me!

Severus: Oh-? Even more humiliating than-

Regulus: We are not doing this!

****************

Lucius: Come on Severus, do it for our friendship. You can't put a price on that...

Severus: Yes I can, dear. Fifty Galleons.

***************

Professor: Your child was in a fight.

Remus: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Severus: Did they win?

**************

Severus: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I'm under.

*************

Severus: You gave me up, you let me down, you turned around, and deserted me.

Remus: But did I make you cry?

Severus: *cries on the spot*

Remus: ...Shit.

************

Severus: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

***********

Remus: Are you really planning to shoot the demon?

Severus: Don't worry, it's a holy gun.

Remus: How so?

Severus: It makes holes.

**********

*James holding their baby*

Severus: Oh God, I can’t believe one of us actually has one of these.

Sirius: I know, I still am one of these.

*********

Severus: Some people are like slinkies.

Remus: What?

Severus: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

Remus:

Remus: Please don't push James down the stairs.

Severus, pushing James down the stairs: Too late.

********

Demon: Hey, I took your soul last month and-

Severus: No returns.

Demon: *sobbing* But it's making me sad...

*******

Sirius: Guys, I didn’t memorize my lines!

Severus: Just use your lack of common sense! Everyone knows the characters in plays are dumb as fuck!

*During the play*

James: Hey! You finally made it! Did you get the donuts?

Sirius: W-what’re donuts?

******

Sirius: Let me copy your homework.

James: I was gonna copy yours.

Sirius: Well, shit.

James: Guess I'm not doing it.

*****

Severus: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!

Lucius: It's kind of complicated, but Regulus-

Severus: Got it. Forget I asked.

Severus: Time sensitive question how flirt boy.

Regulus: Throw rocks at he.

Sirius: Hot Dogs.

Remus: Kill him.

Severus: Thanks guys.

****

James: I want to kiss you.

Severus, not paying attention: What?

James: I said if you die, I wont miss you.

***

James: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?

Severus: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.

**

Sirius: Severus, my old friend!

Severus: I think you tried to kill me at some point.

Sirius: That was obviously just my way of getting to know you.

*

I'm gonna start posting one quote at a time instead of doing this

This time I used

perchance.org

Incorrect Quote Generator

Y'all remember that post of me wanting a sev x marauders baby harry time travel au? Yeah I'm making that shit now it's gonna be on ao3 I've already got most of chapter one done. It's set in their 4th year so shit's salvageable, I might make other fic's tied to it like a before and after, I really wanna make the playlist into fic's so I'll be adding that.

¿Would anyone read it?

Severus: You read my diary?

Bellatrix: At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

i’m concerned about boys with mental illnesses and eating disorders and abusive relationships and sexual assault survivor stories and self-harming tendencies who never get the attention or care or help they need because all of those things “don’t happen to men” or because “all men are horrible monsters” and i just wanna say if you’re a boy and you’re struggling with something hard, your gender doesn’t diminish or dismiss your struggles or make them any less significant or difficult and i love you and i’m here for you

If you've ever wondered why people in Hawai'i hate tourists, try to wrap your mind around the fact that there are CURRENTLY, RIGHT NOW, tourists sipping martinis and looking at fish within swimming range of the fresh corpses of local people who couldn't escape the overnight destruction of their entire town.

Try to comprehend that there are fully functional, high capacity boats passing through the waters in front of an area full of survivors who are stranded and in need of supplies, refusing to help. They are hosting snorkeling tours.

Really think about, try your best to actually picture over two thousand people unhoused and in need of shelter, with nothing but the clothes on their backs and nothing to return to. Understand that the island, stolen land, is littered with hotels full of air conditioned of rooms with beds and showers and toilets, each fully equipped to host hundreds of families for weeks, turning these people away because they're booked up with tourists who refuse to leave.

And understand that these tourists were offered free transport to return home or be hosted on other islands. Free. Courtesy of local tax dollars. 4,000 wealthy tourists were offered free flights shelter on Oahu and begged to leave the island, BEFORE the survivors were given shelter.

And enough still insisted on remaining and carrying out their vacations that people are left without shelter and resources while they enjoy "their stay in paradise".

[Edit]: This current situation, and this type of tourist behavior is horrifying beyond words. In other circumstances, the tourism situation is much more complicated, and I need to ask that people do not add on to this post unless they are local.