UUUUUHHHHHHH LISTEN I GOT MUSCLES BUT NOT ENOUGH MUSCLE TO DUAL WIELD BLADES AND TAKE DOWN MONSTERS MANY

I just didn’t stand lmao. When people asked, I would say a) I don’t approve of this country, I don’t pledge my allegiance to it, or b) that is some weird fire nation shit and when you put it like that it’s pretty weird

FEELING GREAT

HOW WE FEELIN, FARMERS?!

It came in bouts.

Terrible things happened when I was around five. My father had been abusing my mother in front of me. Verbally, physically, emotionally, financially, you name it he did it. That’s right around the time your memories start by the way. That was probably the first time I actually wanted to die. I didn’t understand it, but I’d play dead in my bedroom, hoping that if I laid there hard enough it would just… happen. Thought that I wouldn’t be missed. Who was gonna pay attention to a corpse when there was a screaming match outside your door, right? My parents divorced soon after, but my father still wasn’t done with causing damage, so he sabotaged my mother’s credit score. It’s hard to be happy kid when your mother is crawling into your bed at night as a child, not in fear of her own life, but later learning she was in fear for yours. And then when you finally see her no longer in fear for your lives you then see her bone tired and pushing herself to the limit to make rent and feed two growing kids, and get a college degree your father kept her from getting, all while working three jobs? Shit was rough. Ate a lot of tv dinners to get by for a while. Sometimes the toilet paper was more appetizing and cheaper at the time, so I would sometimes eat that like a little creature because it made the hunger stop for a little while.

When I was six I was sexually abused by a family member she trusted to watch us while at work.

I was abused again around that same age by my father’s girlfriend’s son, who was a large bit older than me, though it wasn’t as direct.

My dad would physically and verbally abuse me when I was over at his house for the weekends. He’d let his girlfriends do it too if, because they would try to be my “new mommy” and it wouldn’t work because their vibes were horrendous and they always assumed it was because they were taking away my dad’s attention from me, when he didn’t even give it to me in the first place if it wasn’t in his interests or to save face. Sometimes there were no snacks because he would always date almond moms who couldn’t stand us ‘free-grazing’. So sometimes I just went hungry, even when I was in a sport.

Things didn’t start getting better till I was around eight or nine. And not by much. I got diagnosed with ADHD, but my mental health issues got so much worse around puberty. I didn’t know how to make friends because I was so reclused into myself by that point. I kind of just did my own thing. Nobody really seemed to want to keep me around anyways, and I really tried.

Things were okay for awhile when I was ten and eleven.

When I was twelve my mental shit came to a head. I found a group of friends, but I had to annoy them in order to stick around. I was determined then. They ended up ditching me when I was way older anyways so that blew. I got braces. Started therapy. There were a lot of tears and old wounds reopened. At one point I was homeless and couch surfing because my dad refused to forfeit visitation rights even though he was evicted from his condo. That was a trip. Sometimes I would have to have a sleep over with a friend just to get a shower because he wouldn’t pay utilities. Sometimes when he was single there was nothing in the house to eat, and we would be stuck with nothing until he came home from work. Sometimes he would kick us out and lock us out of the house in the middle of the day during the Florida summers to make us “get off our lazy asses.”

Things didn’t start looking up really for my emotional state till I was about 14.

Then I turned 16 and one of my family members died. Was in a car accident while driving my first vehicle (wasn’t at fault. But damn. It was scary). After that things were better, but to be honest? They’re still kinda shit.

I’m 21 now.

So your answer?

Worst years of my life:

5yrs old - 9 yrs old

12 yrs old - 14 yrs old

16yrs old - 18yrs old

…and now I’m doing better. Not completely OK. Not even good really. but better than I can really remember being in a long ass while.

Nowadays I’m just stressed with school and work all the time. Not really super happy or fulfilled yet either, but I’m assuming that’s pretty normal for my generation.

How old were you at the lowest point in your life? Reblog this and put it in the tags, plus your current age maybe. I'm trying to see something.

Can my dragon be friends too? She’s pretty, and purple, with big doe ears and feathery wings that shine a little teal in the sunlight, and she’s got very soft fur. She’s really friendly, even if you can see her.

Oh! I know! I’ll go get a bunch of leaves so all our animals can have a big cozy nap spot!

*running off to go make a pile of leaves in the shade*

Just realized that the reason I love making friends on tumblr is because it’s exactly how you make friends on the playground as a six year old. No, I don’t know their name but they love mermaids too and built this awesome sand castle. No, I don’t know their age but their imaginary cheetah is friends with mine. You like this show? You like this character?? You can sing the theme song really loud??? Here is a flower crown. Here is a juice box. You can share my time and I might never see you again but part of you stays in my soul forever. In my mind we’re still on the swing set and the sky is blue and nothing will ever be wrong again.

Wdym he’s apart of it too. Even if neither him nor Phoenix admit it.

Wright family (+ Apollo's there too)

This is how I would like to exist pls and thanks

They weren’t even dead, actually, they had a head cold. False alarm everyone.

my autopsy results came back negative There was nothing in there

No. It’s not supposed to anyways.

You’re also supposed to be able to see the leaves on trees from afar, not just blobs. That discovery is courtesy of a six year old me getting her first pair of glasses and confusing the shit out of her mother on the drive home.

Get your eyes checked love 💜

(I mean that with the most tender of love, I have severe astigmatism in both eyes. You do, in fact, need glasses my dear.)

Have pie

reblog to give this to your mutual

Felt. Seen. Heard. Not to mention how guilt for commuting minor misdeeds and getting reprimanded feels like someone sticking hot iron in your central nervous system.

Like I know it’s not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but before I spent almost a decade in therapy, shame and guilt and embarrassment were so visceral that the feeling was unbearable, beyond the point of a physical cringe, but to the degree that I felt the need to flee, to run and hide. Remove myself from whatever is causing the sensation post-haste.

They still are sometimes. Not often, but occasionally they still are.

Do you know how hard it is to “be yourself” when the very concept of potentially even feeling embarrassed reminds you of being splashed with boiling water? When I want to dance or sing, or feel or do something in front of people out of goofiness or joy, but the fear of feeling embarrassed at all stops you? The fear of a misstep? The fear of other people’s thoughts? The ones you can’t hear, but god, you know they’re there?

It’s awful.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve ever been unapologetically myself outside of my room, if anyone has ever even truly seen me and my mind work like a clock made of glass, or if I present myself to the world as a shard of a shell, not even a sliver of who I am for fear of my own embarrassment.

see realistically i'm aware that people often block others for minor things that have no moral standing. this is a healthy and normal thing to do to curate your online experience. i do this myself. however, when i've been blocked by someone it's clearly because i've committed some deep immoral sin that they've uncovered and it's only a matter of time before it comes out and everyone turns against me for my horrible actions. obviously.