God Not Yet But I Want To

…. I’m pretty sure this never went away as a concept my friend.

I say this from the wealth of pop songs on heartache and such.

Also because I am one of many young people who have an Ex that they would gladly welcome back if things would work out for us that way. What are you supposed to do when the one person you fall in love with realizes they’re Aro and can’t love you in return the way you need to be loved? I didn’t stop loving them. Doubt I ever will. But they can’t love me the way I love them. I’m ok with that. I can love them from afar, because to see their happiness for me is enough. To know that they are well is enough of a balm on my wounded heart to try again with someone else, even if a part of my heart will always have belonged to them.

I will say though, there’s a terrifying influx of people who don’t know how to be content with not having what they want, especially young men of the Andrew Tate listening variety. And I think that is perhaps one of the many off shooting roots of this problem connected to a much larger one at the center.

I think it would do good to modern teenagers to be re-introduced to the idea of unrequited love. Like yes, you're wildly in love with this person who doesn't like you, or if you already bungled it, might actually be actively repulsed by you since you unintentionally creeped them out. And it's painful and tragic and it hurts. That happens sometimes. So what can you do? Honestly nothing, other than to mope about it and suffer through it like it's a long, hard bout of illness that takes months or even years to recover from.

And I think kids should be taught that this isn't just fine and normal, but that you totally can - and actually should - romanticise it. Because since there's nothing else you can do about that sort of thing, you might as well have fun having it. You do get to be the the Tragic Suffering Protagonist about it. It's a beautiful, keen and unique sort of pain that is your own personal tragedy and 100% a you problem.

The idea that the only acceptable outcome of falling in love with someone is a relationship with the object of that desire is genuinely dangerous. The idea that the only way to a happily ever after is to "win them over", get out of the friend zone, finally do some feat that'll impress them or prove your worth and finally get the girl. That's not how it works, that's not how any of this works.

Moping isn't inherently bad for you. Okay of course it's possible to spend too much time wallowing in self-pity, but it's good for you to indulge in it as needed. The difference between poison and medicine is dosage, and everyone is allowed to have a little bit of small personal tragedy sometimes, as a treat. You have to do it sometimes just to get it out of your system, be sad about something for long enough to simply get bored of that, and go do something else.

And not to get "A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down" stuck in your head, but sometimes that's the key to it. If the only way to go through something is to suffer through it, might as well make it sweet. Sometimes you just gotta be like "I love her and her happiness means more to me than my own, and she does not want me, so therefore I must do this Noble Sacrifice and suffer in silence and simply let her be happy without me" for like six months or a year until you're done being like that and over with it.

I don't know who the fuck thought it was a good idea to instead teach kids that the only acceptable thing to do is to keep bothering the person you like until they give in in and let you out of the ~friend zone~ and you win. That's just not healthy or helpful for anyone involved.

Question for yall:

Is 6,662 words too long for a second chapter?

The first was only like, 3,879 now that I’m looking at it.

Should I wrap this one up and post it, or break it in half or something????

I’m remembering why I avoided writing fanfics now. It’s because I am like Oscar fucking Wilde and I don’t know how to stop once the flood gates open.

I need advice. Help.

Also, again, queer is still so much easier. I’m not obligated to sit down and explain that I’m panromantic Demisexual, because most people don’t fucking understand what those terms mean, and:

Hello to you too acephobia!

And don’t get me started on the “isn’t bisexuality and pansexuality the same thing?” Argument people sometimes start. Technically no, there are more than just two genders and pansexuality means you literally do not care about that. It doesn’t matter to you what they identify as or what’s in their pants, and for some Bisexuals that might actually matter to them, even if to most you meet it doesn’t.

Here’s the other thing:

I don’t feel like having those conversations in public.

When I had to try and explain that to my mom upon coming out, that was exhausting enough. A stranger or even some family aren’t entitled to my explanations of my existence. Sorry, that’s up to me to decide.

So yeah. Queer it is.

Everything is like “QUEER history” and “List of QUEER young adult books” or “Top 10 QUEER movies” and queer this and queer that and for the love of god please just say LGBT.

Every time I go to draw something I go “hey! I should color this” and then that leads to “hey! I should shade this” and then I fall into the trap of “hey! I should texture this” and suddenly I’m three days deep fucking finger painting in procreate because I’m too broke for an updated Apple Pencil that will pair with my iPad and I’ve decidedly bit off far more than I can chew because I’m trying to fully render something, and then on day four I start looking at it sideways and going “I don’t even know if I like this anymore.” And I don’t even know if it’s worth posting it at that point.

You make me feel seen with that “I hate this pose lemme redraw it fifty times” in the beginning. Thank god I’m not the only one who does that.

Aquarium date!

Total work time 109 min

I feel a much greater need to tell you all seeing as I’ve handled both blood meal and bone meal before:

It stinky. The stink will stick to you. You will smell it for days.

Your animals will try to eat it. Don’t let them. It can and will kill them.

speaking of which, i hope all of my mutuals know that you can go on down to the hardware store and just buy a big ol bag of dried blood

I used to work as a cashier at a grocery store and literally had a middle aged lady go “you’re really good at organizing my groceries for me, other cashiers at the next store over don’t know how to do it the same way you do” (I could bag groceries and organize some of the self-brought trolleys that were full up in less than five minutes. The manager still wanted me to be somehow faster) and if that doesn’t sum up this entire post in one experience I don’t know what does.

Still got paid a “competitive” wage of the bare fucking minimum. Glad I left that place.

Worked there for two years and they treated me like shit for the majority of the time, and my labor skills weren’t even valued.

You can’t complain about a lack of skill due to high turnover rates and also claim said skills do not exist. Make it make sense.

Okay not ragging on wearing seatbelts at all, DEFINITELY DO THAT, but I will say that I kinda do think seat belts are sexist. Mostly because cars were designed with male drivers in mind and to this day the majority of crash tests are conducted WITH male-only dummies- this has skewed the survivorship of male and female drivers, because women aren’t the the ones with the design in mind, they end up dying on a much more regular basis. (You cannot convince me no woman has ever been boob slapped at an ungodly force because an airbag wasn’t aimed correctly at her chest), I think that the seat belt’s design is just a vestigial remnant of that fact. Women are more likely to die in a crash as the driver, and it’s because cars aren’t usually being tested with female-designed dummies. (There’s a few around now, but this is still pretty new.)

I sincerely think that while unimportant (technically), the design of seat belts could definitely be modified for the comfort of all people while also being safe, if not even safer. Just cause it works doesn’t mean it can’t be better!

Also??? Breast amputation????? Girl- if car crashes resulted in male castrations the design would’ve been changed immediately. Don’t even play with me right now. Even if it’s survivorship bias that’s still a permanent and disfiguring injury that is by all means preventable by an improved design. No one gender or sex should suffer severe bodily disfigurement because they weren’t accounted for. That just isn’t ok.

And it’s not even just women this applies to. Would it kill us to actually cover the rough fabric in soft sleeves? I remember seat belts rubbing and even sometimes burning my skin as a child- because they don’t account for the kaleidoscope of people who will enter, exit, and use a seatbelt while in the car. Children are sensitive to that stimulus too. I don’t think parents of special needs children (or any children, for that matter) should have to go about replacing their car’s seatbelts because some Rich ass company decided to not improve a preexisting design because they want to hold on to their money with greedy grubby fingers. Kinda defeats the purpose of innovation if not a soul tries to improve at something.

What I’m saying is- safety devices like seatbelts are important, and they should absolutely be used and worn, but they can stand to be improved and updated to be better for everyone. Just because they work doesn’t mean their design was inclusive from the jump nor is it currently. Seatbelts working and seat belts having a rather unfriendly design for certain groups are both true statements that can coexist without either being wrong. But that’s something that is fixable. And it shouldn’t be ignored just because it works.

Gentle reminder to not do shit while bereaved, I just burnt the shit outta my hand because I was crying to hard to pay attention to which hand was grabbing something out of the oven.

I’ve had,,, an idea,,, like a beautiful, beautiful idea for a fantasy creature Au for ace attorney.

I’ve had oread* miles edgeworth and fire spirit phoenix wright FUCKING INVADING MY BRAIN. Here’s some of my brain rot. And the reference pose I used just in case someone was looking for it (thank you og pose posters of the art world you are gifts of gods I swear it, I used number three but I altered the shit out of it AND THOSE HANDS TURNED OUT SO DAMN NICE) and I have ideas for who is what if yall wanna hear me out. (Please say you do I’m begging I wanna theory dump so bad)

So some tidbits. Yes Phoenix has little fire wings and he can (kind of anyway, it’s more like floating) fly. It is important to note; he’s not a true Phoenix, just an elemental being made of fire. He can change his form (he’s literally an essence of fire itself contained in an elemental core.) They flare when he gets happy, excited, jealous, worried, or angry. They tend to recede or die out when he’s sardonic or in any other depressive mood. He also flutters them a little when he’s really stoked or happy.

He can control how hot his external flames burn, same with his wing size (when he thinks about it).

If his internal flame goes out he dies. If it dims due to illness or lowered body temp, he does get really sick (like a flame getting weaker- yes he was really not ok after the bridge incident, and the taser gave him fever chills for two days after because it was too close to his heart. Glass had to be removed from his stomach after Dahlia because he can’t fucking digest glass and it melted into a huge wad in his stomach causing a large blockage. The poison dahlia used had a side effect of lowering body temp, so Phoenix still got sick from being stupid.)

Also. This motherfucker has to eat. A LOT he literally has to consume a fuel source (food, coal, wood, anything that can burn) so he doesn’t yknow. Stop burning.

He does glow! From the inside out! Lantern boi.

Miles is an Oread. Oreads are Greek rock, valley, mountain, and grotto spirits.

He’s made of limestone. Looks intimidating, but crumbles apart easy.

Yes. He does grow garnet crystals out of his horns.

He can mold and shape rocks at will, which is useful because when he pushes himself too hard or is stressed he can’t hide it. His body parts just start crumbling off. (Dw, they snap back into place like nothing happened but it’s definitely unsettling. Think: “Your arm’s off!” “It’s but a fleshwound.”)

I gave him a tail and more animal like legs to be more of a representation of animals that live in his life source area (there’s a sacred grotto he’s bound to, same one as his father, he visits to check in every once in awhile.)

Because his life essence is linked to the grotto, he can only get sick or die if his source area is sick or dying/destroyed- or if his heart is damaged or destroyed (it’s like a little physical link to their source area, can’t function without it.)

Earthquakes are still big scary. They’re extremely painful, like if all your growing pains hit at once. Miles experienced his first one when trapped in that elevator, which freaked him out so bad on top of the fighting that… well, we know how it ended. Even though he doesn’t need to breathe (made of rock) he still had a panic attack from stress and went unconscious from it. Not fun.

Also!! If he blushes too hard, he can melt!! His ear!! It’s melty!!

Big teefs for eatin rock. He does have to consume extra mineral rocks or he can be a little brittle.

He can shift into a more “human” form without a tail and with regular legs, but it’s not as comfortable as his standard form. Bratworth definitely spent more time than he should’ve trying to look more human to fit in with the Von Karmas.

He wiggles his lil ears when he’s content or happy. Because that’s cute and it makes me happy.

I’ve been thinking up theories for like most of the cast. Vote in the poll if you wanna hear more!