Why Do I Feel So Anxious
why do I feel so anxious
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Virginia Woolf, from a letter to Lytton Strachey (September 1925)
[slow dancing, silk textures, hands on her waist, fireworks, velvet touch, euphoric music, black dresses, red roses, moonlit serenade slow songs, lana del rey, letters, lips, forehead to forehead, eye contact, gentleness, candlelit ambiance, whispered secrets, starlit night, soft whispers, vintage charm, lingering perfume, shared laughter, hidden glances, stolen moments, timeless romance.]
Will I be too needy and greedy
to be asking for a 50mint long hug?
Cause, I want to be swallowed by the
feeling of warmth in my body
I can feel my heart turning to a stone
Everytime I run towards love, i could
feel my stone cold heart knocking
against my rib cage
it breaks my bones
it hurts a lot
and sit still for a while
until it goes away.
Until I meet someone new
who again makes me want to feel
embrace the warmth.
But the cycle continues.
date sweet men. men who can articulate themselves. men who are soft spoken. men who are patient with you. men who respect their own bodies. men who are kind to your soul. men that are gentle. men who have self control.
There's distractions and then the feeling slipping in between your ribs, and it doesn't go away It doesn't seem to have a cause or an end so you just keep yourself busy enough Enough to ignore it and sometimes forget it exists, then everyone goes home and you go home and it slips right back in between your ribs like it never left because it never did. Because there's nothing wrong Not with anything surrounding you, it's something broken inside of you, But I've never known how to fix that and at this point I don't think I ever will.
what if, I'm always gonna stay this way? afraid of being someone's person
“How long will it feel like burning, said the child trying to be kind.”
— Anne Carson, from Decreation; Lines.
Dear September,
I hope you will be kind, would you please leave the bad behind. Each month I ask the same, to others of a different name. But I have a feeling that you, september, will grant my request, just let this month be one of peace, one of the best, I'll figure out the rest.
Kind Regards, someone living life with hope and a tired heart.
