When In Depressive Pissed Off State

sometimes I just imagine cutting my lip, like dragging the blade across my lower lip. i don't know why, I just do and I'm very very tempted to try it.

going to attempt to get away with wearing long sleeves until May hits. hopefully the scars will be faded more by then.

i don't know what's going on anymore, I'm just gonna blackout until the 12th

that sounds so bad. im sorry I just want a place to bee without having a feeling of constantly being watched and perceived. I'm sorry I just want a place to ramble and vent and whatever. oh god I feel bad I'm bad I'm bad I'm a liar i feel like a liar

why are we okay recently. well, not okay, but neutral. I'm not overly suicidal or depressed or anything like normal, but just rather nothing, numb, if anything. and I kinda hate it. makes the invalid feeling feel stronger.

is it bad I want someone to do bad things with. to cut with. get high or drunk with. go around at night with. do teenage things with. but no, cant and couldn't have that.

guess I'm going to fucking prom.

i genuinely feel like I'm dying. my chest and heart fucking hurt now. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? what do I mean to you? what does Z mean to you? nothing?

no messages or contact for 3 months straight and still none, and I finally decided to look at your Spotify again. so you are alive. what? just avoiding us? because I see a new playlist, A WEEK AGO?

i don't know how to feel. i don't fucking understand anything. and I can't cut to get some form of sanity cause moms in the bathroom. I have no appetite for the food in front of me. i want to fucking blow up.

i just want some fucking answers.

it feels so weird and wrong starting over. i don't like this.