Even When I'm Anon, I Struggle Pretty Heavily With Saying Things Because They Just Feel Wrong. I Always

a mini-vent of my thoughts

i figure that i should put a kind of warning, even though the content isn't particularly triggering... mentions of f4uxc3st and stuff. and if you don't want to read a slightly depressive and introspective ramble, please just don't read it. thank you :)

i'm starting to think that my interest in f4uxc3st is spread primarily from the fact that i'm the youngest sibling of four. i suppose i just always felt like i've never gotten enough attention nor time alone with my thoughts, let alone talking to other people who i can share my thoughts and feelings with.

that and the feeling of being the youngest always made me wish i was older. the way i've always kind of forced myself into acting older than i am to connect with people who would actually understand me. i've always wanted to protect someone, to be an older sibling, but i've also never gotten the real experience of being treated to an actual childhood.

being autistic certainly hasn't helped that either. it's just forced me to feel ostracized from others and want a deeper connection to the people who are supposed to be closest to me.

or maybe i just think that it's hot! who knows??? and also i'm super mentally ill and have basically no concept of right and wrong beyond the basics!!

shhh just go back to sleep, it's okay. i just couldn't help myself, you looked so pretty with your eyes closed.

but we wouldn't want you to stay like that, would we?

update (don't have names for them rn)

my minecraft pets

their names are lard and coconut oil :3

i'm gonna try to get more like parrots and stuff

the confusing urge to sadistically hurt someone followed by the inexplicable emptiness when i breathe the wrong way in front of the same person

i wish i had a stalker tbh

like a real one who would follow me home and watch my every move.

the kind that writes diary entries in their own blood, leaves their hair and clothes in my presence to let me know that i'm not alone.

and when they prove their love to me, they're going to make sure i reciprocate by any means necessary. that i'll be theirs, only theirs, from that point forward.

but alas, maybe i'm the one who has to be that stalker.

and i also want to BE this person ugh

i want to show someone how much i love them in every single facet of the word. i want to manipulate them like a puppet on a string and turn them into my perfect, ideal person.

i'm smart enough to know how to do it, too :)

ughhh crazy and obsessive people my beloved

tell me you're not going to let anyone else even talk to me, condition me to believe that it's okay and that you're all i need

follow me home to "make sure i get home alright" and then look through my windows just to "double check"

send me texts and voicemails about nothing in particular because you just want to talk to me

threaten to hurt me or yourself if you even start to suspect that i'm going to leave you

tell other people that they can't talk to me, spread rumors saying stuff about me so that i'm all yours

hurt them when you see that they're still trying

and if i finally start to realize what you're doing, maybe you just need to take more drastic measures :3

What is your favorite porn category?

i don't watch porn, really! it's not that i don't want to or don't have access to it, i just don't really find the need to most of the time. i had unrestricted internet access from a very young age (like i had access to a computer and the internet when i wasn't even old enough to walk straight). i probably had a porn addiction at some point in my life, though. maybe i should give it a comeback to make myself more of a pervert or smth.

so i don't know if i really have any particular "favorites." i guess things like milfs?? and i guess "femboys" or whatever but i don't like categorizing a whole group of people as a porn category! i just like feminine men.

no wonder people think I'm submissive... I mean I am sometimes but I love being more dominant, too! I guess I just struggle with confidence and comfort when it comes to stuff like this. god knew I would be too powerful if I didn't have anxiety.

even when I'm anon, I struggle pretty heavily with saying things because they just feel wrong. I always just end up being so polite because I'm terrified of scaring people off, I don't want to make them think I'm weird or gross. I want to make friends and respect people's boundaries, but it's hard to do both!!

this prob doesn't make any sense :(

do i understand the lyrics? absolutely not. i can't even read the titles vro

do they still go fucking hard? absolutely.

probably gonna be listening to a lot of skramz to keep myself awake today. ama :3

for the record, i don't bruise very easily

'cept hickeys, but even then you need to try pretty hard.