Cunfuzzled - Alfred Is A Chaotic Mess

He has a mouth, doesn't he?

Would you ever fuck Amerimochi

I think the real question is HOW would you fuck Amerimochi

I feel like America's cooking skills are either fabulous or absolutely horrendous, no in between. like one night he'll make a high effort, very good, classic dinner or something and another night he'll mix gogurt and glue together and call it a day

That’s exactly it. Like when he has guests over, he’ll make a beautiful dinner to brag about How Great He’s Doing and “Wow ur lives are so sad this meal isn’t even the best thing I can make ahaha ;)))” Like he has the most refined fucking palette in the world but then when he’s alone he goes and looks through his crusty old basement cellar at 3AM to find that piece of macaroni art of England he made a hundred years ago and pray it isn’t carrying the plague

It's my mental breakdown and I get to project my issues onto my favorite characters

okay y’all I know its unfinished garbage but 

i offer my fanfiction 

(I wrote the part from Ivans perspective, @howaboutyoudont wrote from GuoHong’s perspective) 

Zhang GuoHong 

 It was a mild afternoon when I met him, a tall Russian man. He looked like a good working man, with strong biceps and a broad chest. It was lunch break and I was standing in line at my local McDonalds, he was standing right behind me. The line moves, and I do as well.

 "How may I take your order?" The middle aged woman behind the counter asks me.

 "Hello, may I have 50 of mcnuggets please?"

 "Yes of course, and is that for here or to go?"

 Throughout the exchange it’s like I can feel him staring at me. I mean my butt does look pretty damn fine from all the squats I do while welding. But I couldn't focus on the man behind me, I only have a short time to eat lunch before I must get back to my job, my duty to the community. 

 I grab my nuggets when they call my number, order 69. I walk out of the stuffy establishment and over to my favorite bench under a red flowering tree. If there's a nice breeze, then the petals and leaves fall around me aesthetically. 

 Although, I do have to admit it's not the best for when I want to eat since the tree droppings often fall into my food and then like a good communist I'll have to eat it because I cannot be wasteful to the people who worked hard to bring me this food.

 As I was contemplating the negatives of my preferred bench, I heard a voice coming from beside me.

"So why’d you order so many nuggets?” A deep, yet airy voice rumbled into my ear.

I jumped forward and almost dropped my nuggets, which would have been a travesty. It was the sexy Russian from before. With my newly regained balance I turned around, bucket of nuggets in one hand, and used my free hand to smooth out my black t shirt. Regaining my confidence I looked him straight in his blue, oh so very beautifully blue, eyes.

"To eat them, of course," I replied shortly.

 "Of course, silly me," He chuckled.

His laugh absolutely does NOT make me want to swoon.

"Mind if I join you, comrade?" He asks but doesn't wait for my answer.

 He sits down in the middle of the bench, like a lovable asshole, leaving me to choose his right or left side. I, being left handed, choose to sit on his left. 

I looked at my watch to see i only had 15 minutes to eat my bucket of chicken nuggets and, ignoring the blonde next to me, eat a little faster than I normally do. 

My eating was yet again interrupted by the man, whose name I still don't know, who, is he laughing at me? How rude. I only glare in response before continuing to eat. 

"So what’s your name, chicken nugget man?”

I swallow the 5 mcnuggets in my mouth and turn to him, ignoring the nickname.

"Zhang GuoHong, what's your name?" I ask politely.

"Ivan Petrov!" He replies, grinning like annoying me makes him happy.

I nod before shoving the last of the nuggets in my mouth. I look at my watch, 5 minutes. I swallow.

"Well it was nice meeting you, but I really have to get back to my job. Have to do my part for the community, you know?"

As I begin to leave I hear him respond behind me,

"Ah! Yes! Job! I’m going to be late! It was nice meeting you! I hope to see you soon, Comrade Guohong!”

I look over my shoulder one last time to see him running the opposite direction.

Ah, yes, it seems I was right, he IS a good, working man. Ah, never mind, I have to go.

END CHAPTER 1👌

I looked to my right, only to be blinded by the Walmart lights. The cool metal shelves creaked beneath me as I crawled behind the cereal. I was just trying to admire the handsome portrait of Our Dear Leader on the back of the products, nothing weird, nothing creepy. However, it seemed, the shelf did not appreciate my appreciation. I reluctantly crawled out through an opening in the Communist Crunch section, stretching out my back and squinting at the bright, yellowish lights.

"Um, hello?" A familiar airy voice questioned behind me.

I turned around, it was the man from a week ago, Ivan something. He seemed confused, a subtle scrunch in his wide, bushy brows. His face lit up when he saw mine. Makes sense, Im GORGEOUS.

"So we meet again, comrade!" He practically shouts at me. 

"What were you doing behind the Communist Crunch?" He inquires.

"Admiring the fine print, why do you ask?" I respond, lying like a liar, how embarrassing would it be for him to know I was ogling Our Dear Leader?

"Hey, did you know I help to grow the corn that makes this cereal?” He said to me when I kept staring at him.

"No," I replied, "I actually came here to buy salt and just got distracted."

I turn to the right, looking at the salt, which is for some reason in the same aisle as the cereal. The box I'm after is on the top shelf.

I mean, it doesn't look that high up.

I am proven to be wrong when I go to grab the best brand, Kommunist Kosher. Even standing on my tippy toes doesn't work. 

Behind me I heard a very poorly concealed laugh. A warm chest presses against my back, making my spine tingle, and grabbing the red box. Damn tall people and their soft chests. 

"Trying to get this?" He asked me after he, disappointingly, stepped away.

"No," I lied for the second time today.

I swear I normally don't lie this much. My cheeks were definitely not red as I examined the dirty white tiles. 

"I was looking for Stalin Salt(™), but they must not have it here so, guess i’ll be going," I stiffly turn away from the sunny young man.

"Well, I could give you this box of Kommunist Kosher, it is the superior salt brand, after all,” his voice was low and husky as he pitched me the offer.

"I suppose a different brand wouldn't hurt," I said.

I turn to face Ivan and take into account how hot he looks in sturdy overalls, his soft blue eyes shimmering.

"Not so fast! I’ll give you the salt, but only if you come taste the cornflake cereal I grow corn for at the farm this Sunday,” He taunted, dangling the salt just out of reach.

"You drive a hard bargain comrade," I sighed, acting like my heart wasn't doing summersaults, "I accept." 

"Really?!” His face broke into a dopey smile.

"Yeah, now give me my Kommunist Kosher," I demand,  hand on hip.

“Here you go!” he finally, finally handed over the goddamn salt after scribbling on it. Thankfully his writing didn't intrude on Our Dear Leaders face. 

'123-456-7890, Call Me' was written on the box with a little heart. I walked out of the store (obviously after paying for my salt) with gusto. I was not running away, that was for cowards, I was walking away. Maybe it was rude to just leave him without a farewell but what else was I supposed to do? My maybe crush gave me his number on a box of his favorite salt.

Exhale.

CH. 2 END

It should be known that I am a fit man. My butt is toned and tight. So, then it is only logical that my apartment would be located on the highest floor of Soviet Studios. My favorite part of living on the 13th floor has to be sprinting up the concrete stairs. It just really gets my heart pumping. I opened my apartment door, leaving the musty outside air behind for my faintly lemon scented apartment. 

I opened my pantry to put away the Kommunist Kosher, right next to the Lenin Lemon Juice. I pulled out my phone to type in the phone number I HAD NOT memorized from Ivan.

Ivan GeGe

Saturday 7:00p.m

Hello.

This is GuoHong

Is this Ivan?

Hi!!! :>>>

Yep, this is Ivan! (ᵔᴥᵔ)

What time should I visit tomorrow?

Hmm… well I’ll have to walk you to the farm 

since you don’t know where it is… Maybe meet me in front of 

Walmart at 7:30? o^o

Sounds good to me

See you tomorrow

<3

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SEND THAT

0_o

:D <3<3<3

<3<3<3 yes you did :>

GOOD NIGHT

Good Night Comrade!! <3

Ivan Petrov

The bright sun gleamed on the grass, giving it a light shimmer. Today’s a good day for a hamburger, I thought to myself as I ran my fingers through my soft blonde hair. I had an hour of lunch break ahead of me, so I decided to go to McDonalds to pick up some food before I had to go back to work. 

When I entered the fast food chain, the scent of oil and salt hit me, filling my nostrils. I got in line, just behind a short (well, he wasn’t really that short, I was just tall) man with tousled black hair. Cute, I thought to myself, and chuckled under my breath. However, I didn’t have time to be ogling cute guys at McDonalds, I have a duty to the people to stay focused on my work. Still, this didn’t stop me from eyeing up the man as he made his transaction. The man must’ve worked out regularly, he had the butt of a god. 

When he finished ordering, he went to stand and wait, and I stepped up and placed my order for a double cheeseburger and small fries. They called his order first, and mine not seconds later. He was walking out the exit as I grabbed my bag of food, and I noticed what he had ordered. 50 chicken nuggets. Against my better judgement, I followed him outside. To ask him why he ordered so many damn nuggets, I told myself. Definitely not because I wanted to take him. Kidnapping? Definitely not. 

He was sitting on a white bench, in the shade of a tree. I stepped behind him, and leaned my head down so my mouth was level with his ear. He was still oblivious to my presence when I said,“So why’d you order so many nuggets?”

The man jumped a foot in surprise, and almost dropped his lunch on the ground. I began to laugh as the flustered man stumbled to keep a hold on his nuggets. He smoothed out his shirt before looking me straight in the eyes. 

“To eat them, of course,” He said, voice ringing high and sweet through the soft afternoon air. I let out another chuckle. 

“Of course, silly me,” I walked around from behind the back of the bench and sat down on it. “Mind if I join you, comrade?” 

The man only huffed in reply and sat down on my left side. He glanced down at his watch, before beginning to frantically shovel chicken nuggets into his mouth. I let out another short laugh, which caught his attention. He looked to me, his face adorable and mouth full of processed chicken. He glared at me for a second before returning to his meal. 

“So what’s your name, chicken nugget man?” I asked, breaking his concentration yet again. 

“Zhang GuoHong, what's your name?” He replied, most likely more out of politeness than anything. 

“Ivan Petrov!” I said with a grin, proud of myself for getting a response from him. He nodded, looking mildly peeved that I had taken time away from his lunch, and stuffed the last 5 nuggets in his mouth. He swallowed them, and stood abruptly. 

“Well it was nice meeting you, but I really have to get back to my job. Have to do my part for the community, you know?” He said, running his fingers through his hair. I nodded, before remembering that I too had a job. A brief glance at my watch told me that I was supposed to start walking back five minutes ago. 

“Ah! Yes! Job! I’m going to be late!” I stood and began running in the direction of the farm, but not before yelling, “It was nice meeting you! I hope to see you soon, Comrade Guohong!” over my shoulder. I began sprinting faster, praying I could make it back to my job on time. 

CH. 1 END 👌

The artificial lights shone on my hair, giving it an almost silver glow. I stopped in front of a tall, metal shelf and grabbed a small, red salt container. I turned the container over in my hand and gazed at the small portrait of Our Dear Leader that was stamped on the back of all products available to the working class. Suddenly, I heard the metal shelves creak sharply in front of me. I stepped away from the shelves in shock as a full grown man crawled out from inside the shelf. He stepped into the linoleum aisle and stood up fully, dusting off his shirt. 

“Um, hello?” I caught the mans attention. He turned to me, giving me a good view of his face. Hey! That’s the cute chicken nugget man! I thought, a grin spreading across my face. 

“So we meet again, Comrade!” I smiled wider. “What were you doing behind the Communist Crunch?” 

He crossed his arms and huffed, his cheeks puffing impossibly cute. “Admiring the fine print, why do you ask?”  

I arched an eyebrow at his odd reasoning for creeping around in the back shelves. “Hey, did you know I help to grow the corn that makes this cereal?” I hummed, changing the subject. 

“No,” He replied flatly. “I actually came here to buy salt and just got distracted,” He turned away from me and looked up to where the small red containers of salt were. He chewed on his lip for a moment, which was definitely not attractive, and definitely not absolutely adorable, before reaching up to try and grab the salt. Key word being try. He was but a few inches short of reaching the Kommunist Kosher salt. I stifled a laugh as he struggled to grab the salt. 

I stepped behind him and grasped the small container with ease. “Trying to get this?” I smirked, holding the salt just out of his reach. 

“No,” he muttered, the lie apparent in the vivid red flush of his cheeks. “I was looking for Stalin Salt(™), but they must not have it here so, guess I’ll be going,” He turned away from me. 

“Well, I could give you this box of Kommunist Kosher, it is the superior salt brand, after all,” I clicked my tongue and let out a small chuckle. 

“I suppose a different brand wouldn't hurt,” He reached to retrieve the salt from my grasp, but I pulled it back out of his reach again. 

“Not so fast!” I hummed happily. “I’ll give you the salt, but only if you come taste the cornflake cereal I grow corn for at the farm this Sunday,” 

He looked up to me with betrayal spread across his face. “You drive a hard bargain, comrade,” He tapped his chin thoughtfully. “I accept,” 

“Really?!” I grinned widely. I hadn’t expected that to work! 

"Yeah, now give me my Kommunist Kosher," He deadpanned, cheeks adorably red. 

“Oh, give me a minute!” I quickly patted the pocket of my overalls, and pulled out a pen. I scrawled my phone number hastily on the box, with the words call me and a tiny heart. “Here you go!” I handed him the salt, happiness flooding through me. 

I walked into the next aisle to continue my shopping, but my mind was no longer on the mundane shopping list. My thoughts kept going back to chicken nugget man(I believe he said Zhang Guohong was his name), and how every little look and reaction I got from him made my heart flutter. I paid for my things with a dopey, lovesick smile on my face and began to walk back to my apartment. 

CH. 2 END

When I entered my apartment, I was greeted by a loud quack coming from my kitchen. “Hush, Comrade Quackers! We can’t have the neighbors hearing!” I tossed some pieces of bread from my pocket onto the floor, where a tubby duck promptly inhaled them. I smiled at the creature as he let out a quack of contentment and settled on the sofa. I often helped to take care of the ducks at my job, and they were so adorable, so who could blame me for smuggling the feathered menace into my apartment as a pet? I had just sat down on the sofa when my phone buzzed.

Unknown #

Saturday 7:00p.m

Hello.

This is GuoHong

Is this Ivan?

Hi!!! :>>>

Yep, this is Ivan! (ᵔᴥᵔ)

Contact Name Changed: Dorogoy Moy

What time should I visit tomorrow?

Hmm… well I’ll have to walk you to the farm 

since you don’t know where it is… Maybe meet me in front of 

Walmart at 7:30? o^o

Sounds good to me

See you tomorrow

<3

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SEND THAT

0_o

:D <3<3<3

<3<3<3 yes you did :>

GOOD NIGHT

Good Night Comrade!! <3

psa

I know I’ve built a follower base around drawing ship art for a specific fandom, but it’s time I finally pivoted and announce my new fanzine shipping the bois from chinese/russia propoganda posters

Omg this is like 800 metaphors rolled into one megaphor

Alfred: [being choked to death]

Ivan: Stop humping me!

Alfred: :/

:P

:>