Crucecurves - Untitled

i’m truly sorry that after all these years you never learned how to love yourself in such a way so as to appreciate the absolute beauty and hard-earned success and growth of others without taking it as a personal attack upon yourself

d.c. (via a-pen-and-some-words)

please don't ever think that no one cares about you

I work in an ER and we see suicides all the time. And we get at least 3 suicidal ideations a night. We all care about you. I promise, we do. A team of complete strangers who have worked 3+ 12 hour shifts this week who are being screamed at all day and night and probably haven’t had lunch and trust me, we still love you and care about you.

We had a 16 year old patient last night who we couldn’t save. We were in that room with this patient for over an hour, we did everything we could. And let me tell you, we all cried. The EMT’s, the nurses, the doctor. We all huddled together in the doctors dictation room and cried.

I went through the rest of my shift with smudged mascara and tracks on my cheeks.

I remember the names of all the patients that have taken their lives on my shifts.

I remember squeezing the hands, smoothing the hair, kissing the foreheads, and wiping away the blood and the vomit of every patient that has left me too soon.

I can still see every face that I have zipped into a body bag.

Trust me, someone cares about you. You have never met them yet. You don’t ever think about them. They are never remembered when you talk about heroes and role models.

But someone loves you.

Book of the week: Warrior of the Light by Paulo Coelho

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That gay life

Person: Why are you gay? Me: Why are you straight?

You’ve come a lot farther than you often think. You’re doing so great! :))

All credit to @thefrizzkid for the original (the pink)

Start with her fire. Start with her teeth. Start by pulling her down by the back of her neck, and kissing the past away. - You’re standing on that beach again, and your past is walking away. You can hear the slap of the waves on the shoreline, taste the salt of the ocean and the salt of her tears on your lips. (she hasn’t cried, not yet; you wonder if she’s incapable now, so hard are the lines on her heart – she hasn’t cried, but you can still taste them, coating the roof of your mouth) You’re standing on that beach again, for a different reason, with a different emotion weighing down your hearts— (heart?) —your past is walking, running, fading away. Your future holds your hand. - You kiss the pain away. You’re two nights into this new life and she’s not thinking about you, but she is, but she isn’t, and you wonder after what another you said earlier – about fire, and blood, and rage. You wonder at the way she bites your mouth, like she’s trying to eat you alive, and perhaps she is. You wonder at the way she holds you, at the way she likes the pain, at the way she loves it with company. You’re not so different in that regard – nowadays, you’re not so different in a lot of regards. - She was a goddess once. She’d taken the light of the universe and had cradled it inside, replaced her heart with it, for a bit. It had leaked through her smile and shone on you, seeped into you and you had cherished it, cherished her. She was a goddess once. Now she is a ruin of a temple, but you still look on her with reverence. - You hear her sobbing through her bedroom door when you should both be asleep, and you can’t help the breathless sigh coming through your parted lips. On the beach, you’d thought her incapable of tears, and you’ve never been so relieved to hear her cry. - You start with her teeth. You start with her tears. You pull them out and wipe them away, one by one, one by one. The second night she cries, you open the door and sit on the edge of her bed until she crawls her way into your arms. It’s hard for you too, and she knows it. But she’s always been selfish in that heartbreakingly human way, and she kisses you until she’s bitten the rotten-candy-apple-truth out of you. You’re hurting. You’re broken. Both of you, together. Perhaps it’s enough. - Start with the fire. End in the ashes. Sometimes, you miss the stars to the point of aching, miss your freedom to the point of breaking. She doesn’t cry much anymore. Sometimes she rests her head on your chest and frowns at the weak pitter-pat of one heart. Sometimes, her eyes get so dark and heavy with one memory or another. You know that look. You wore it, once, a life and a half back. You remember nicking your face shaving and cursing every species from humans to harpies. You remember waking up from a nap in the console room in a cold sweat, and you remember her patience, such godly patience even when you swore six ways from Sunday that she was nothing more than a stupid ape. She loved you then, you can love her now. Start with her fire. (be burned, just a little along the way) Then with her teeth. (she’ll be like a phoenix, darling) End in her ashes. (she’ll rise up again, and it will be worth it) It will be so worth it.

and, again | his-braveheart (via his-braveheart)

Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night. That is how galaxies are made.

Tyler Kent White  (via wordsnquotes)

“Maybe I want to keep running away.” “Fine. Then run. Keep running. Run until you think you’ve escaped all this. But the moment you stop, the moment you settle, the moment you start to fall in love again, everything you’ve done and everyone you’ve hurt? It will all catch up to you. I can promise you that.

from an unfinished story #439 (via thoughts-into-ink)

Reasons to Recover from Your Eating Disorder

You won’t have to go through life worrying about every single calorie and every single meal. 

You can enjoy dinner with your family without panicking about it. 

You can live life without it revolving around food. 

You won’t have to lie to the people you care about anymore.

You can actually have fun on your birthday.

Fighting with people you care about over whether or not you’ve eaten is boring and painful. 

Because there is more to life than food. 

Because losing friends is not fun. 

You can enjoy social occasions without worrying about food.

You won’t feel so constantly exhausted and drained all the time.

Thinking and dreaming about and being consumed by food is no way to live.

Feeling dizzy and cold and tired keeps you from living a happy, fulfilling life.

Recovery will give you the chance to LIVE and to be alive, rather than just existing.

Because you deserve to have happy thoughts in your head, instead of numbers. 

Your recovery can inspire and aid the recovery of others. Instead of passing on disordered behavior, you can pass on health and support and encouragement. 

Your skin will improve, as will your mental clarity. Eating right (and enough) can greatly help symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Because you don’t deserve to cry yourself to sleep anymore.

You deserve to be able to genuinely smile again. 

You deserve to be able to go outside and enjoy your day without worrying about what you’re wearing and whether or not you look okay. 

You won’t have to waste money on food to binge on anymore.

Your feet and legs will stop falling asleep and going numb when you sit down.

Your hair will stop falling out.

Your skin will finally be able to heal itself. You deserve to be glowing. 

It’s nice to not feel like death anymore. 

It’s nice to not smell like vomit anymore. 

It’s nice to be able to go out and actually enjoy yourself again. 

Your general health will improve and you’ll be less susceptible to colds and viruses. 

You won’t have to feel guilty about breaking your promises. 

You won’t have to lie to everyone around you. 

You’ll be able to go out and dance at parties/bars/clubs without feeling weak and dizzy.

If you’re fortunate enough to still have healthy teeth, recovery will prevent them from rotting. 

You are worth so much more than just a number on a scale. 

It’s nice to not be constantly cold and nauseous all the time. 

Because crying in your room is never a good way to spend a Friday night.

You can finally live without guilt. Guilt that you ate when you didn’t think you deserved to eat. Guilt that you haven’t eaten and you’re letting loved ones down. Guilt that you binged. Guilt that you purged. Guilt that deep down you’ve forgotten how to love yourself. 

Your bones won’t be brittle and easy to break anymore. 

You’ll be able to sleep at night without hunger pains keeping you awake.

Be confident again. 

So you don’t feel like a complete & utter hypocrite when trying to help someone that is in the same position as you.

So you can enjoy “family time” & not worry about eating “bad food”

So that you don’t spit up after eating because your esophagus is so fucked up from purging. 

So you don’t miss out on life. 

Because it’s nice waking up and thinking about what art you can create, what places you can explore, what books you can read, what people you can meet, what songs you can sing, what sports you can play, instead of thinking about what you’re going to eat and not eat that day.

Watching Netflix is a lot more fun than watching “thinspiration” videos. 

It’s nice to wake up in the morning with energy, instead of waking up tired from not eating, or sick from binging. 

So that you can get up in the morning and see clearly, instead of seeing spots or having black vision as you try to sit up. 

You deserve to love yourself again. 

You deserve to accept love from those around you again. 

You deserve to be able to go shopping without having panic attacks and breakdowns in the changing room. 

You can eat your favorite foods without guilt and anxiety. 

You’ll have enough energy to do the things you enjoy. 

You can be active, and run or play sports for the fun of it, not for weight loss. 

You can have a life again. 

You’ll be able to sleep at night. 

Aren’t you tired of feeling worthless and guilty?

You’ll be able to go out without thinking that everyone is staring at you. 

Go into a grocery store feeling safe. 

You won’t have to be scared of going to the doctor anymore.

You won’t have to excuse yourself from work or social events to purge.

Recover so you don’t have to see the scared, heartbroken look on your mother’s face when she hears you purging. 

Recover so you can go on a date and feel happy and not worry.

Recover so that you can share your story and help others recover. 

You won’t have to waste any more money on laxatives. 

Your eating disorder won’t be feeding your anxiety and depression anymore.

ALL of us deserve a better life than ED hell. 

You’ll be able to have children someday if you want to. 

So you can make spontaneous plans to go out, and not have to check or worry if they’ll “fit in” with the eating disorder.

So you can spend time having interesting conversations with people, without your mind wandering off to do calorie counts.

You don’t have to feel guilty when people buy you food, because you won’t have to waste it anymore. 

So you can live a happy, free, fulfilled life. 

So you can feel unafraid for the first time in a long time. 

So you can have and actually sustain healthy relationships with people (family, friends, significant other) without the eating disorder causing fights and pushing them away. 

You can walk around town with a friend or go to events without worrying about passing out. 

You don’t have to lie awake at night worrying about the damage you’re doing to yourself. 

When you give your body the fuel it needs, your physical AND mental health will improve. Your self-confidence will improve. 

You can get your natural skin tone back, and not look gray and sickly pale all the time.

Your blood pressure and heart rate will go back to normal. 

You’ll be able to enjoy hot baths and showers again.  

You won’t have so much gas or bloating or stomach pains anymore. Your intestinal and digestive health will slowly heal itself. 

You can stop punishing yourself for eating. 

You can sit up for more than 10 minutes without your stomach hurting.

You won’t have to debate for an hour before eating an apple. 

Your room won’t smell like vomit and moldy food. 

So you don’t get up in the middle of the night feeling as though you need to do 300 sit-ups before you can sleep and then spend all day feeling tired, and ill.

You won’t trigger others anymore. 

So you dont end up in hospital at 3am because your bowels are bleeding due to your ED

You won’t be constantly dehydrated anymore.

When you look back on your life, you’ll have happy memories too, not just empty memories of anorexia / bulimia

You won’t have constant headaches anymore.

You won’t have to isolate yourself anymore.

Because life can, and should be, so much more.

Please feel free to add onto this list, and share your own stories and reasons for recovery. I love you guys and my inbox is always open.