Made This In A Fugue State

I don't even know if you're still in the Matt Engarde hype but oh my fucking god. holy fucking shit. I am obsessed with the thought that this man would rather create a whole persona as an amalgamation of the traits he doesn't see as "acceptable", one who can carry the blow of Celeste's suicide because he's bad and independent and dettached and everything he was never allowed to be, one who can carry the anger he bottled up for the sake of images; the anger rooted so deep, burning him inside out at every ounce fear and the self-hatred and the neglect and the betrayal of being left behind he encounter. I'm going insane.

He sees "growing up" as something bad, as if being a fully separated entity from who nurtured you is shameful, and how this somated with the grayness of Celeste's relationship with him (and the fact all the people in canon she was in a relationship with, romantic or not, borderline or straight-up codependent) heavily implies that she, consciously or not, made him fully rely on her for everything and fed into the image that things should be like that forever: that he would never be someone if not "part" of her. And not to be an Engarde apologist or anything but the knowledge that this is a common strategy for abusers, especially parents and caretakers; to "mesh" with their targets to a point they don't know who they are without them, and how this causes long-lasting identity and self-image issues, much like that dude Matt?? It's driving me nuts.

Just. The littlest, tiniest voice in my head saying that Engarde would rather destroy the already poor image he had of himself as a person and wear the "evil" label like an armor than to acknowledge he might have been a victim won't shut up and i'm very sorry for the lenght of this but i've been running up my walls all day brainstorming about this and i need to sleep. I know this may be far-fetched, so feel free to add any divergences from my biased conclusions if you'd like!

i am always and forever in matt engarde hype anon....thank you so much for this ask that has been on my mind since i got it. your point about his relationship with celeste being part of his urge to "mesh" and stay childlike is really fucking me up. i love it so much it makes different aspects of the whole puzzle click in my head. also "would rather be evil than a victim" i think describes engarde deeply. anyway i just love all of this thank you so much for sharing<333

Pav doodle im srry i use this page as a dumpster

(i still need to post the rest of my style comic)

my final piece for @turnabout-cinema! had an absolute blast working on this one :]

How come you always say you’re going to do Drabble requests and never do them? I’ve sent in so many and none of them have ever been filled :/

i don’t know man, maybe it’s because i have a life? because outside of fandom i have a partner and a job and other hobbies that aren’t just writing things for free for people who are clearly ungrateful. or because i’m tired and don’t have the mental capacity or i simply changed my mind?

either way, i know the answer to this question probably doesn’t matter to you. all you want is to complain to the source of your issue, which normally i’d simply ignore and delete but today i am so fucking over being treated like a machine.

i am a person. not a content pusher. and if you think for one second this kind of behaviour is going to get you what you want genuinely fuck right off.

sae as an infant:

A SEVEN YEAR OLD WOULD NOT SAY THIS

beach episode pt. 2– kunigami and chigiri help each other apply sunscreen :)

They’re both thinking gay thoughts 💕😵‍💫🥱

I’ve been looking at this for so long it doesn’t make sense anymore…. :/

taking a behavioral pharmacology class for my psych degree? no. taking a behavioral pharmacology class to write a scientifically accurate matt engarde overdose.

rip matt engarde you would have loved shauna dean cokeland

phoenix wright : demon prosecutor

kurosagi yayyyyyyy