Hitting The Pitcher Exactly In The Face Is An Impressive Feat; Doing It On Purpose Would Have Been Something

Look at this happy little thing.

wizard lizard

WLC 6.H: The Kids are Alright

Ling forces the passage stone back into place. The smears of viscera weigh upon her mind. "Thanks for... something, ya b*****d."

J: Why would you be upset about him dying. L: Because nobody had to die. I didn't want him dead. I wanted the witches to give up; they hadn't killed anyone yet. They could have ...cleaned the forest? Something to make amends. J: Seems like it worked out just fine.

Ling hurries down the corridor. "Yo, Outie," she yells, "Where're the kids?"

"In time, Wizard Lizard," says a booming voice, "First, the promised boon must be granted. It is unwise for one such as I to remain indebted to one such as you."

"Same."

As Ling approaches the portal, a red stone, with several indentations, the size of her head is launched from it into her claws.

"This seed, once planted, will grow into a tree bearing any material it is first coated in as fruit," says the voice, "May it aid you to your dream."

Ling twists and turns it, inspecting it's odd shape. "Thanks, mate," she says, sliding it into her cloak, "Now, about those kids."

Out of the portal pops seven kids: two smallgoblins (the boy with spiky growths), two kobolds (one is red, the other white), a teen dwarf (with a poorly shaved beard), an elf (with hair of gold), and an orc (fingers covered in burn scars).

"Ripper, the lot's all here," says Ling, before clearing her throat, "We're getting out of this cave, back to town, stop by Gizzard King, and get ya all home. How's that sound?"

"Gizzard King!" yell Hanzy and Grater the smallgoblins, throwing their hands up, "Thank you, Jevoi's Mom."

"I don't..." mumbles the orc presumably known as Matches, "I don't have a home."

"Then I'll find ya one," says Ling, leaning down to eye level. "No worries, got it?"

Loxi (elf) whispers to Genette (dwarf) and nudges her forward.

"Dr. Ling," Genette begins awkwardly, "I- I don't want to go."

Ling almost begins speaking, but looks across the other kids first.

"They know."

"Okay," Ling whispers to herself. After everything thus far, this should be easy. "I can't make ya go back, Genette, but I don't know what ...uh?" Ling realizes she doesn't even know where that sentence was supposed to be going.

"I want to work for Uncle J."

"Who?" Ling conjures chairs for everyone.

"I believe the child refers to me," says the booming voice, "I am in need of new liaisons to your world."

"And why should I allow that?" Ling stares at the portal.

"Besides you," says Genette, sitting down "He's the only adult willing to listen." She sighs. "And I know you only did because you knew no one else would. You never told me that I'm bad or weird for how I feel."

"I'm not going to lie," says Ling, awkwardly laying forward in her backward chair, "Even knowing some others that went thr- are th- ya know what I mean." Ling rubs her head in frustration. "But just 'cause I was the first doesn't mean I'm the only one who'll treat ya the way ya deserve to be, the way everyone deserves to be. See, when I first moved to Rankedge, no one could understand me; I was that fast-talking wizard from Ozzel -er, Ozzelia. And back in Ozzelia, I was that weird lizard from the surface."

Ling takes a moment to look at the kids; while the teens understand, the younger ones are a bit confused.

"No worries, though," says Ling, "Because I always found people who didn't see me that way. Always found mates that treat me right, and that's why I try to pay that forward."

J: Yet you mock me for "walking like an elf." L: 'Cause it reminds me of the drongo I used to be, thinking looking like a mammal would make them see me as a person. It didn't work, like I told those kids back then.

"I don't know if me saying this is helping ya," says Ling. She takes her wig off and puts it into her cloak, "But it's honestly helping me."

"So why don't you trust Uncle J?" asks Genette, "Why judge him like that too?"

Ling thinks for a second and, finding no answer that would sound out of place coming from Mr. Geneson or the late sheriff about her, concedes. "I'll have faith in your faith, but if Uncle J acts up, ya call Aunt Ling."

"Can we join too?" asks Rosen the red kobold.

"Yeah, I think our boss here's... you know," says Graupel, pointing down.

"I guess there's your coven," laughs Ling, "Now, le-"

"Wait," says Genette, leaning forward suddenly, "You said you knew others like me? Who do you know? Why didn't you say that earlier?"

"I didn't know if that'd help," shrugs Ling, "One's a bloke in a billib- swamp, a ways away. Another's a vrow sheila that... may not be a great role model. Then th-"

"Well, maybe I need a bad role model," says Genette with a smirk.

"Ya cheeky little..." Ling tassles Genette's hair, then gets serious. "Why'd ya come out here anyway?"

"I thought my aunt Gudrun would let me stay with her," says Genette, mood falling again, "But her crazy girlfriend dumped me in that portal."

"Aunt Gudrun?" Ling maintains a calm facade. "Anyone else know about her?"

"Mom hates her," says Genette, pulling on her scratchy almost-non-existent beard, "She says we can't let anyone else know about her."

Ling continues to stay calm in front of kids. "I'll let the deputy know."

Loxi interjects. "Deputy? The guards are here?"

Ling nods. "Yeah, hopefully she'll deal with your dad," says Ling to Genette, "I'm still thinking of what to say if he comes knocking."

"Just tell him the truth," says Loxi, wagging her finger, "He's not going to ask about Genette."

Ling laughs, "Just like your aunt..." She whispers to the dwarf, "She's a keeper, girl."

The teen dwarf sputters and fails to come up with coherent series of words.

Ling smiles, "Find mates that'll treat ya right; that's all I'm saying."

Loxi smiles at Genette, who blushes and fidgets awkwardly.

"Are we still going to Gizzard King?" yells Grater.

J: What was the point of this story, Mum? That I should feel bad about killing that lousy sheriff? "Prejudice is bad;" I already know that. L: What message could a yarn about an awful person in power not always bring that way have for an empress? Ya really think I care about that creep that used ya to blackmail me into her bed? J&L: ... J: Mum... L: Let's stop here.

WLC 1.4: Sun and Daughter

"Do ya remember," asks Ling to Dalini, "What I told ya about the sun?"

"Yeah," says the little one, releasing her grip on the wizard's robe, "The sun used to shoot light of the hole in it: shoosh." She wiggles her arms in front of her. "And it span around and around: woooo woooo woooo." The older geckos watched her twirl about. "But you didn't say why it stopped," she said, pouting and no longer rotating.

"Should we tell her?" asks Ling, "Why doesn't the sun shine?"

Jevoi scowls. "Sure, let's tell her... exactly why. Let's tell her everything about that happened that day." Jevoi's face contorted into a wicked smile. "Let's not leave out a single detail."

Ling looked away. "Maybe it's too soon."

Dalini hopped around into Ling's view. "But you said-"

Ling raised her hand. "That story's too... long."

"Dalini," says Jevoi, "We can tell that story later, like after you come home." She cracks a little smile. "Do you know what a palace is?"

Dalini shakes her head.

"It's a big castle filled with all sorts of things. We can go there and you can meet your other mother, my wife. We can get you new clothes and your own room and anything you want to put in it."

Dalini's eyes sparkle in the light. She inhaled an audible gasp.

"She isn't going," says Ling, "Without me."

"Very w-"

"I'm not going, so rack off."

Game Manual

Here are some some details and pictures from the games' official manuals.

Mikado and her Shainto counterpart Kaun face off.

The manual pairs her with Jo as speed-type. The stats the ladies have are similar with the four swords, but the polearms are a different story. The Shainto spear is Jo's worst weapon, but the Narukagami naginata is Mikado's best. Mikado and Kaun have the maximum speed and power with the big pointy sticks!

Mikado's stats with each weapon, if you're curious are:

Weapon-----Power----Speed

Naginata----22/22----15/15 Same as Kaun with Yari (Jo is 15 and 12)

Broadsword-15/22-----12/15 Same as Jo

Katana-------12/22-----14/15 Slower than Jo

Nodachi-----15/22-----13/15 Much weaker than Jo (18)

Longsword--10/22----14/15 Slower than Jo (Tied for the weakest Char/Weapon combo in the game.)

Notes: The lowest normal power is 10 and speed is 12. NPCs and the secret duo are above the limit. Mikado is weaker and slower than Kaun with all swords except being as fast with the katana.

In the original game, Mikado and Black Lotus (aka Kokuren, aka James, aka Highwayman) are the medium characters. Sadly, I haven't found the character stats in BB1 yet.

Also, that codename: Gate of the God's Descent. That's even cooler than my nickname for her: the Empress.

Mikado and Tatsumi face off, back when she was balance and he was speed.

These scans came from Archive.org, so that's why the text is scrunched like that.

WLC 6.6: Over the Hill

The duo took a moment to admire the tranquil pond. The sun and clouds reflect clearly on the slow water.

"So, that's a 'no' on the silver?" asks Loomy to the pond.

"Doesn't matter," says Bacon, "We should keep on."

So they do.

"No idea what you're talking about," says Bacon, glancing about the forest, "What kind of forest is this anyway?"

"Uh, cedar, i think," says Loomy, looking about for what prompted that question, "What about it?"

"It's nice, isn't it?" asks Bacon, face still hidden, "Trees are nice; I need to spend more time with them My favorite is cherry. What's yours?"

A: I'm fond of the candelabra spurge. D: Palm trees are cool, too.

"I don't.. have one...?" says Loomy, "Who does? How old are you?"

"Are you really asking me that question?" Bacon's voice strains against an unwanted emotion.

The bugs chirping and birds calling echoed over the silent valley between them. It would be another half hour before either would speak again. There were no encounters, no odd sights, nor clues of any kind.

"How far away does this woman live?" asks Bacon, "We have to be close, right?"

"Yeah, right over this next hill," says Loomy, "Wish she lived closer."

As the two top the hill, Bacon sees the old cabin. And if the old woman who lives here doesn't know anything, then this, the only remaining straw to grasp, is a dead end.

J: Mum, we know this woman did something. L: But ya don't know exactly what yet.

Loomy knocks on the door and something inside shuffles, muffled within.

As the door creaks open, an elderly voice beyond calls out, "Is that you, dear Luminița?" An eye peeks through the slowly widening gap. "You look like Loomy," says the old wolf, "But you don't smell like Loomy."

"Your granddaughter couldn't make it this week," says not-Loomy, "I can explain if you let us in."

"Ya must be Ioana," says the mysterious person formerly known as Bacon, "Nice to meet ya."

"Who are you? Where is she?" asks Ioana, words sliding toward a growl "Take off that disguise."

WLC 5.3: Women Arguing in Total Darkness

Tanglepork hits the cold, hard ground with a squishy plomp, then gets crushed under Jevoi, and then Luminița, forcing a pair of loud squeaks out of her.

Luminița staggers to her feet, blindly fumbling about.

Jevoi grabs Tanglepork's gun. "Would you look at that," she says, "One of us dropped her weapon." She looks down on the soul of the gnome, scared and prone.

"Okay, Jevoi," says Tanglepork, flipping upright, "Let's talk this out."

"Isn't it sad, Loom?" asks Jevoi glancing at the soul of the blind lycan, "If we were here sooner, we may have saved the sheriff from the wolves."

"Shame that," says Luminița, "Where are we?"

"Now, hold on," says Tanglepork, "You wouldn't hurt a helpless little girl like me, would you?"

"You're, like, ten times older than me," says Jevoi, "It's time to be a big girl, Sheriff."

"Just shoot her," says Luminița, continuing to search for a wall to lean against, "And help me find a way out of here."

"I'm not going to shoot her," says Jevoi, "She was eaten by wolves."

"Why is it my job?" growls Lumnița, "If you want her dead, then kill her yourself!" She trips over something. "Are these bones? Why are there bones?"

"With what?" asks Jevoi, swinging the gnome's gun around, "Her gun with my marks on it? My special knife?"

D: Weren't you trying to do that? L: That's when the cutie had a weapon. G: Yeah, killing someone who can't fight back is uncool.

"Not killing me is good too," says Tanglepork, tightening her arms on her chest, "Also, bones? What kind of bones?"

"So you want my teeth marks on her?" yells Lumnița, getting further away, "Can you even see her down in this devil's a**e?"

"Of course I can. What are you freaking out about?" yells Jevoi, "It's just your nana's basement!"

"My bunica didn't have a basement."

WLC 6.3: Clueless

"I assume ya've checked with the few dwarves in town already?" asks Ling, pulling a pair of chairs out of the ground.

"Yeah," says Tanglepork, "None of them were hiring kobold kids for anything." She sits down. "So, it doesn't help."

"It does," says Ling, "At minimum, this dwarf comes near town every couple days. Likely lives nearby."

"That could still mean anything," says Tanglepork, annoyed, "Woodsman, hunter, bandit, merchant."

"So who'd hire a pair of schoolgirls?" asks Ling, "And for what?"

"Why are you so focused on this one?"

"If we know where this dwarf is, then we have a direction to start looking," says Ling, rubbing her temples, "Those two are the only clue ya've given me."

"We can't even confirm if this dwarf is real, Ling," says the deputy, shaking her head, "We've narrowed it down to only one possibility: the kids walked out of town. No magic residue, no un-alibi-ed adults, no signs of violence, nothing."

A: What's the point of this? If the wolf was killing kids, just say that. L: Who said she did? J: The story of us meeting on an eldritch cruise started with me doing a drug deal in the woods; give her a chance to set this up right.

"So why'ren't ya searching the bush then," asks Ling, "Why is the most secure exit being blamed? Something magical obvy happened to those kids, we just need to find where."

"We've already asked all of the parents," says Tanglepork as she sets her notes aside, "And none of the other kids are saying anything either. The only thing we could do is search blindly."

The two sit in silence for a moment.

"What if the culprit came to us?" asks Ling. As Tanglepork's eyebrow raises, Ling asks, "Any other kids leave town on the regular?"

"Tanglepork flips through her notes. "There's a little lycan who visits her grandmother every week," she says, "But we've told her parents not to let her while we're investigating."

J: Why would the sheriff bother if you're being blamed? L: Because if she went missing in the woods, that would mean... J: Understood, not the Underdank. Town would force the sheriff's hand. L: Town would've the sheriff's head.

"Does Nana Lycan know?"

"...no..."

"Then I've an idea."

Official Sketches

Her original design was more priestly, but was toned down for looking too much like a sentai villain. The outfit on the right is an early draft of her story mode outfit. The note on the right talks about how scary she looks with her hair down, but I don't see it.

She's only depicted playing the flute in the intro of the second game, but I'm glad that concept was there from this early on.

Just a close-up of her pretty face, yeah?

While I'm certain these are all official, I have taken them from FightersGeneration.com. They have some weird ideas about when this game takes place, though. It's in Nineties Japan, not ancient Japan. The Parking Garage stage with the audible car peel out should be a clear indicator.

WLC 5.7: Free Shipping

Once again, the trio fell into a hole and, once again, they slammed into the ground one on top of the other: Tanglepork, Jevoi, and finally Luminița. The time, though, the floor is a hard wood.

"Get off," says Jevoi, pushing Luminița, "How did you end up on top again?"

"Why did you do that?" asks Luminița, climbing off of the gex, "You were safe. Why try to save me?"

"Don't get weird." Jevoi stands up. "I was only trying to save your hot a**e because you have my tome."

"What."

J: That is not what I said. G: That is exactly what you said.

"My book!" yells Jevoi, panic in her voice, "You have my book. Where is it?"

J: I was not panicking.

"...Back at the house," answers Luminița hesitantly.

"Excuse me," asks an until-now unnoticed woman a meter away, "Are you together?"

The duo finally pause long enough to take in their surroundings. They are in a boarding lounge of a large fancy vessel, polished clean and charmingly decorated. Standing here, in a sailor-esque suit, is a purple-skinned, tentacle-mawed biped holding a clipboard. She patiently awaits a response.

"Are we in Hell?" asks Luminița.

"Help me," mutters Tanglepork.

The woman raises a facial tendril in confusion. "No? What ever gave you that idea? You're aboard the finest interplanar cruise ship in the universe, a dream vessel of romance: the Love Craft. We'll soon be making another run, setting course for adventure." She takes a little bow. "I'm Lurentooz, your cruise director."

"That's... nice," says Jevoi, "How do we get back to Inner Glow?"

"We'll be stopping there in a few days," says Lurentooz, checking her board, "Kun, is it? We've been expecting you." Her eyes flash in realization. "Ling's daughter?"

"Of course..."

My favorite figure in Dynasty Warriors. How lovely.