Bruce Wayne Except He Texts Like An Ominous Boomer

something something reader is a bartender at a popular little pub, and night after night you are hit on by men so plastered you often have to sigh and call over one of the guys you work with the idiots end up vomiting all over themselves (sometimes it’s worse than vomit but thankfully you can count those incidents on one hand)

you think by slipping on your grandmothers old wedding ring, it will sway men from hitting on you at work. And it does, there’s still some that try to test their luck, but the minute you flash that pearl on your finger they’re scurrying off to find their next target.

Cue four new regulars, four attractive military men that always flash you a polite smile and leave you a nice tip. Price comes in more than the others, claiming the stool near your register for himself, Ghost doing the same the rare nights he slinks into the pub. Soap and Gaz come in together some weekends, sitting themselves in front of you with big grins on their faces as they watch the game on the tv overhead.

They’re all sweet, a little cocky at times but nothing that one of their grins or sly remarks can’t make up for. They ask how their favorite girl is doing when they return from longer missions, genuinely listening as you fill them in on the things that have happened since they’ve been away.

Perfect gentlemen.

Until one night you forget your ring, having had to rush your shower and sprint out the door to make it to the pub before the nightly rush.

You filling glasses when you hear the chime of the bell and a familiar laugh fill the pub.

“Was wondering if I’d see you boys tonight.” You smile, motioning for them to give you a moment as you serve the other patrons.

When you slide back over to them, you immediately reach for their usual glasses, grabbing your cloth to wipe them off, when a hand clamps around your wrist and you jump, nearly dropping the glass as Ghost turns your hand over in his.

“Trouble at home pretty?” Price comments, concern etched on his face and it takes a moment for you to catch on, and you can’t help the little giggle that spills out.

“Oh! My ring… It’s kind of a funny story. I uhm.. I’m not actually married.” You laugh, expecting them to laugh along with you, but all you feel are four pairs of eyes piercing into you.

“Come again?” Gaz asks, voice a tad deeper than usual and you ignore the chills it sends down your spine.

“I started wearing it so some of the drunkards would leave me be, kind of forgot about it, just became habit.” You chuckle nervously, hand still in Ghost’s grasp and he’s eyeing you in a way you’ve never seen before.

“Hm. Interesting.”

therapist: cunt dracula is not real and cannot fuck you.

cunt dracula:

This is how I feel when I tell someone I wake up at 4:30 to run for an hour. Thank god I work third shift (I hate it).

damned if you’re employed damned if you’re not

Au where Bruce doesn't adopt Jason (because it never crosses his mind) but, after getting away with stealing Batman's tires and hitting him with a tire iron, Jason comes to the conclusion that B ain't shit and he can absolutely do more petty theft and mild inconveniences.

Batmobile is left unattended? The tires are gone. Batman drops a batarang/grapple gun? That's Jason's now. Batman tries to talk Jason into giving his stuff back? He clearly doesn't have them, you're crazy Bruce (the collection is visibly right behind him, he is literally holding a batarang as he says this).

Bruce tried to complain about it to Dick but he laughed so hard, he gave up. Dick thinks Jason is hilarious and after making sure he isn't dangerous helps him get into the manor. (Alfred won't say it out loud but he also clearly finds the kid funny so he let it happen)

Bruce eventually has a thought of "oh He's just looking for a family! I should adopt him!" And asks Jason if he wants to be officially adopted. Jay laughs in his face and throws a pillow at him. Bruce realises he was wrong.

He doesn't die, just goes out of town for a month or two to visit a friend and B immediately goes "all of my stuff is here wtf where'd Jay go?" and after looking around gotham he comes to the conclusion that he's dead. He tells Dick and Alfred that Jason died in an 'I'm absolutely certain' way so they assumed he double checked and didn't just overreact to a few weeks of absence.

Everyone was shocked next time he came to the manor (including Jason because he didn't think they'd care that much and didn't realize that B would assume he was dead) and it's just

"Jason?!? I thought you died!?"

"I was literally just at Roy's house?? Did you not think to check before assuming I died???"

Everyone is incredibly happy, Jason is just confused (and kind of flattered)

The other kids still show up, Tim came over to be B's fill in for Jason like a week before he came back and became a hero a few months after Jay came back. (They don't fight in this au because Jay didn't consider himself Bruce's son and neither of them were robin)

Damian is very concerned about the random dude that drops in and out of the manor (stealing random shit every time, from mugs and snacks to an entire TV) but B and Dick just go "nah he's basically family dw" like no that's our random theif.

Do you see my vision? I've been thinking about it for like an hour and finally decided to just post it. If this is a thing or if someone writes a fanfic or smth pls show me

I think that instead of being super apprehensive about Jason and him dating Roy, Oliver should take one look at him and then one look at Bruce and go oh, I'm about to be so annoying.

Oliver starts being so nice to Jason. So nice. Inviting him to family dinners. Giving him both his hero communications and personal phone number and telling him to call whenever he needs something. He gives him new tech and keeps updating his weapons and armor. He helps with missions and clean up and says nothing if Jason is a little rough, apart from patting him on the back and saying good job. He starts keeping his picture inside his wallet and has other pictures of Jason, Roy and Lian framed in the house and tells everyone about him. He starts calling him son-in-law first and then just son and then calls him a Harper and eventually a Queen.

At first it was just to annoy Bruce, but after the first time he tells Jason that he did a good job and Jason starts to tear up a little, Oliver goes oh no, oh I'm actually doing this now. This my boy now. I don't care if he and Roy break up or something, this is my boy now.

Bruce still thinks he's just doing it for the sole purpose of pissing him off, though, and he is so fucking mad. The Justice League meetings have turned into a Cold War zone.

Bruce starts to being so nice to Jason as well, forcing himself to ignore some of the more outrageous things Jason does, and Jason is so, so fucking confused.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

This is something I want for my children (if I were to have any in the future) I knew nothing about the wonderful, extraordinary, intelligent women that have done so much for this world, when I was growing up. Hell I hardly know now. I love that you have done this to try and make the change that should be happening. Thank you, you are so brilliant @humblefryingpan and I appreciate you.

(I made a speech and rlly messed it up so I'm putting it on here. It's basically about cool women being left out in history/school curriculums)

Historical Acknowledgement of Women

By @humblefryingpan

Good [morning/afternoon] and thank you for coming to listen. I have brought you here to talk about the absence of female lives, achievements and inventions from the school curriculum.

Over the course of history, women have been valued less than men. Even now, while we’re much closer to equality than ever before, women continue to be forgotten and undervalued. This is a huge problem for multiple reasons.

Firstly, we are receiving a tainted version of the past that changes key information. A common example of this would be Rosalind Franklin’s discovery of the double-helix DNA structure being credited to Watson and Crick. Instead of teaching us about Franklin, exam boards focus on the people who stole her work. While this fact is becoming more recognised lately, it is still not on school curriculums. Plus, in standardised tests, she will not be mentioned in any question about her discovery.

And secondly, the presence of women in history is important because children and teenagers often look to historical figures for inspiration. This can shape lives and change how kids see the world and for women there is an extremely limited choice of role models.

When I was a child, I idolised Marie Curie because she was one of the only women I had heard of that invented something. I don’t want to be a scientist, but there weren’t many female achievements that would be known to children. I knew of a few artists, because of my family. I knew some authors, because I liked to read. But most of these women were women I had found outside of school, I hadn’t actually been taught about them.

People try to make science more appealing to young girls. People think that if there is a problem, it’s that women don’t want to do science. People think that because you never hear about female scientists’ discoveries, but this isn’t because women don’t want to be scientists, its because when they are, they might as well be invisible.

Without the internet would you know that without the actress Hedy Lamarr inventing frequency hopping during World War two, we wouldn’t have Wi-Fi, GPS or Bluetooth? Her invention is currently valued at around $30 billion but she didn’t get paid anything for her patent. We never learn about her despite the fact she changed how the world currently runs. Without women we wouldn’t have dishwashers, circular saws, car heaters, lifeboats, windscreen wipers or even home security. And most people don’t know about any of those women.

Women’s work gets credited to men. And when it isn’t, it doesn’t get recognised at all. There are women who have done incredible things, invented things that changed the world, done things that saved thousands of lives. But nobody knows who they are. A study has shown that women in science are 13% less likely than men to receive authorship credit for their work. Additionally, women are 59% less likely to be named on patents, even when they work on the same projects.

During the second world war a woman called Irena Sendler worked in the Warsaw ghetto so that she could sneak children and infants out in burlap sacks. She was able to save over 2500 children before the Nazis caught and severely injured her. She had kept the names of every single child in a jar buried under a tree in her backyard, and after the war she located all the parents that had survived, the other kids being placed in foster homes or getting adopted.

In 2007, Sendler was nominated to win the Nobel Peace Prize but lost to a man named Al Gore who created a slideshow on global warming. Without her risking her life and safety, all those children would have been killed but she still got less recognition than a man’s slideshow.

Women have always been doing things as remarkable as men have, but we only ever learn about the male side of the past. When we learn what women’s roles were, we learn about housewives and mothers and while these are also valued lifestyles, we don’t get the full truth of what women have been doing since.

If we only knew the women we learnt about in school, we’d probably believe they never left the house. That they weren’t as clever, weren’t as brave, weren’t as interesting as men and that isn’t true. Women have always been working as hard as men do and when people say they were working ‘behind the scenes’ it is simply because historians pointed the cameras away from them.

Women deserve to learn about other women. Everyone deserves to see somebody like them that is presented the way men got presented. More female achievements need to appear on the school curriculum. Thank you for listening.

See y'all soon I guess (my phone's on 3% and tumblr won't work on my laptop for some reason)