“Grief, I’ve Learned, Is Really Just Love. It’s All The Love You Want To Give, But Cannot. All

You can change what you value about yourself. Your values and your perception of your best qualities can and will shift with your experiences.

You don't have to be defined by what you liked about yourself before. What do you like about yourself now? What do you want to be your most prominent characteristic now?

“I’m a simple man, love.”

seokjin x reader (or oc) genre: fluff word count: 1.7K

a/n: ok, this is legit just Jin coming home exhausted after dance practice and recording and his lady just helps him get ready for bed. That’s the plot. Thank you for reading and I hope you all enjoy! :)) 

LATELY you’d been having trouble sleeping, just, too much on your mind as the nights grew darker. With your boyfriend still at work, you decided to bake cookies, despite it being nearly 11:30 pm. As the cookies sat in the oven, you leaned over the counter, scrolling through your phone.

The apartment was silent besides the low hum of the TV that you left on for white noise, and yet you still barely heard the front door click shut, the sound of rustling hardly audible. You looked toward the entrance, waiting for your boyfriend to step into view, and when he finally walked further into the apartment he didn’t even look your way as he made a bee line to the sofa, falling onto it carelessly.

You held back a giggle at his lack of awareness, acknowledging he must be exhausted. Grabbing a freshly baked cookie from the previous batch, you made your way to your tired boyfriend, smiling as you approached him, his eyes already closed.

“My love,” you said softly, Jin’s eyes fluttering open, a small adorable smile overtaking his features.

“There she is,” he said as he stretched his arms over his head. “Hi,” he greeted, you smiling widely at how cute he was.

Keep reading

uuuuuu mungkin tumblr be dropping hints now

“Maybe you’ve met the right person, but you’re just not ready to fall in love.”

— Unknown

just say it

summary: you think mark has fallen out of love. he insists he did not.

notes: swearing, was listening to sza's special oh gosh i just remembered mark liked this song from sos omg?????? will proofread some other time it's literally 2 in the morning here night night

genre: angst because i never write fluff! | word count: 1k -

“mark?” you called the boy who was humming the chorus of coldplay’s yellow. he was sitting in the living room after a cold, quiet dinner you both shared. he seemed to not notice it,

but you know he was doing it on purpose.

“mark.” you repeated his name again, in hopes to finish what is meant to be finished a long time ago. he didn’t budge. his eyes were fixed on the dried tulips that you used to take care of when you come to his apartment. you always scold mark for not watering them often, then now, here we are—they are far from being saved.

just like this one.

“i’m really tired, mark…”

mark suddenly tilted his head at your direction and said, “i’ll fix the bed, baby.”

“no”, you grabbed his wrist by the time he was already walking towards the bedroom. “mark-”

but he swatted your hand away and opened the lights instead. the room still feels the same. it smells like him—his perfume lingered across the room. the bed looks inviting but seemed cold. there sat his green hoodie—your favorite hoodie—on the mattress; almost wrinkled, dryly wrung.

mark opened his closet and brought out two extra pillows. he placed them on the top of the bed. “we always share the duvet, right?”

“stop this, mark.” you tried to protest but he kept crouching to fix the bed. he was smoothing it with his hands, trying to perfect any loose edges and all. he patted the pillows that you used to lay your head onto.

“mark!”

he stopped in his tracks and finally looked at you.

he was already crying.

“i…” you stammered but you cleared your throat to continue. “i know that you feel it, too.”

“bed’s ready, baby.”

“we’re no longer the same, mark.”

“do you want me to turn on the heater?”

there is no way mark is having this conversation, he thought it himself. but good god, you have to.

it was so difficult to witness how the bright smiles turned into faltering ones. the hugs he gives, they seemed like a chore. his eyes spark whenever he goes on a trip with his friends, and never to the plans you ought to make. him coming home and you felt honesty finally left between the two of you. he never smelled sex or an unfamiliar perfume, but these are just the little things that added to the pining, gradual changes, that turned so fucking bittersweet, it felt like it was twisting your guts every single day.

and you have already thought of it: mark has fallen out of love.

“i need to hear it from you so i don’t have to think what i’ve done wrong and whatnot—because i’m so tired; tired of whatever the fuck this is.” you were begging at this point. you heard him sniffling while wiping his tears away. “just say it.”

you reached for his damp hands and squeezed them so firmly. mark looked at you; so helpless, so naive, so vulnerable. he made you like this, mark thought. and he could never forgive himself for ruining you.

“please help me, mark… i just need you to say it.”

“i…” mark started to speak.

you squeezed his hands again, hoping something would finally come out; so desperate, so needy, such pleading, pleading, and endless pleading.

mark looked at you so dearly, with worry on his face; and the sight softened your features. it looked exactly the same when you visited his apartment looking all soaked from the rain. he scolded you for not bringing any umbrella with you. you smiled at the memory and almost nonchalantly, you said:

“help me to help you let me go, mark.”

but mark could not let you go.

every time you tell him that you love him, mark flinches. your love story is nowhere near the perfect fairytale, and uncertainties of the future have consumed mark to convince himself this is not going to last. but every time he pushes you away, you always come back.

why do you always come back? mark seeks answers from god, holding back his cries as he continuously and involuntarily steers himself away from you. what have i done wrong to deserve you; so good, so delicate, so dearly to me? he prays to god as he punishes himself, until the day you waved the white flag finally arrived.

but it would be too cruel, too insufferable, too immensely painful to watch you walk out the door. it would be too painful to feel your scent fading from his green hoodie he always embraces to sleep just because he could not do what his heart wants. the dried tulips, he tried watering them as much as he could, but they were you—so beautiful, so fragile who he wrecked.

so mark pulled you into a kiss; so intense, so desperate, so lovely, and so so apologetic. confusion and yearning consumed you as you deep dive in, but somehow, it spoke volumes—he has set himself free from the demons whispering in his sleep, the nightmares depicting him losing you in a crowd, and the intricate shackles imprisoning his heart.

“i’m sorry for all and for this but i can’t”, mark said as he now stared at your plump lips and back to your searching eyes. “god, i really can’t let you go. i’d be a fucking fool to let you go—not today, not tomorrow, and not in this lifetime or the next.”

you nodded. you understood. and that’s why you kept coming back because there was always your mark that remains despite the despites.

“i love you so much.” he kissed the tips of your fingers and rested your palm on his cheeks, leaning into your touch like a once lost child; so endearing, so passionate, so lovingly.

and you submit to him entirely because you know he's worth it, all of it.

“never ever let me go.”

“Some things go too deep to be forgotten.”

— John Galsworthy, The Forsyte Saga

like this | hendery

Pairing: HENDERY x reader Genre: angst, fluff, crack Word Count: 11.7k Warnings: language, tough love, friends (lowkey) calling Lucas stupid, some medical terms that I have no idea if I used them correctly, implied major character death, please can I stop giving warnings because it might spoil the story lmao Summary: A game of push and pull between two young friends who took the world's time before they love each other freely. Hendery has been very vocal with his love for you and gave you what others cannot— time. Will a patient heart be rewarded when time starts to run out? A/N: there are past and present scenes! It might be a little confusing at first, but I’m pretty sure you’d know almost instantly whether you’re reading the backstory or present. AND let’s just all assume that all four of them are taking the same courses and same classes.

Taglist: @chenlewifey @chichhihaa @jenyongcas @kuncitizen @jaeyongii @arrasuh @thejeongjaehyun @kimga @jenosbliss @linohues @legbouk @cuteejeno @bethm5 @chocojae @grapesuns

You say it's not supposed to be Tell me not to waste my time This was never up to me But if it was I wouldn't mind

“How many times should I turn you down for you to leave me alone, Hendery?” You asked exasperatingly to the man beside you, making him giggle.

“What? It’s not like I wanted to sit beside you. I have no other place to sit.” He said, shrugging his shoulders while taking out his books and putting them on the table.

You looked around the room and laughed under your breath. “We’re literally the only people here.” You said bewildered.

“I have no other place to sit that I like. You never let me finish.” He said and winked at you with a grin on his face. The door opened, Xiaojun and Lucas came in. “Oh look, other breathing beings.”

Hendery is someone you could describe as happy, thoughtful, kind and persistent.

Happy because he’s someone who would always bust everyone a lung from laughing, he’s the only one that could turn your bad day around easily. Someone that would put everyone special to him first before himself without second thoughts.

Kind because he’s someone who looks over people’s differences and makes someone feel accepted whatever shape or form.

Persistent. Hendery has been courting you for the past eight years. Since the first time he laid eyes on you in freshman year of high school, he knew you were someone worth the wait.

He’s not just someone who bugs you every day since you were a bunch of teenagers. Hendery is a friend and one of the closest friends you have.

“Is he bothering you again?” Xiaojun asked as he placed himself in front of you, also taking out his books and notes.

You were about to answer but Hendery cut you off. “What else is new?” He answered for you nonchalantly while keeping his eyes on his book.

You pointed at him, looking at Xiaojun with your mouth agape, “Case in point.” You proved.

“Why are you all studying?” Lucas asked out of the blue, putting both of his elbows on the table when he realized that the three of you had your books out.

“I still wonder how you managed to get to senior year, but whatever you're doing, mad respect man. It's hard to be you in college.” Hendery said, making everyone laugh.

“Concentrate, Dery.” You laughed. “You don’t have time to joke around with Lucas when you just failed your quiz last week.”

Hendery frowned, “I’m just one correct answer short!”

“No, you really have to study. Even I found it easy. You’re literally the only one who failed that quiz.” Lucas added, making Hendery frown even more.

“What a burden. I don’t understand why it’s hard for me to concentrate these days.” He said in all seriousness and when he realized that all three of you are sharing a concerned look, he blinked and smiled it off, “Maybe because I’m missing you my love, my dove, my forever Y/N.”

“Maybe because all you know is how to flirt. Study your damn notes.” Xiaojun said and raised his hand, acting like he was going to hit Hendery.

And I’m trying to ignore you I try to go on with my day, hey But I still pick up the phone, yeah And get lost in what you say

First day of high school. Like everyone, you dressed in your new clothes and fixed your hair in the best way you possibly could. You’ve heard that high school could either be hell or heaven for anybody; you just have to play your cards right.

You don’t really care about popularity and shit like that, but you also didn’t want to be bullied just like how ‘high school rejects’ are in the movies. Putting your best front but not trying too hard is what you’ve decided to go on with.

Your first day of high school is very nerve-wracking, but thanks to Xiaojun, whom you've been friends with since last year, you’re going to have someone you know in your class. You stuck with him the whole day and he did the same with you. Both of you looked shy and scared, which is understandable. Every student here is probably feeling as nervous as both of you.

Well everyone except for this guy.

You watched how this guy walks up to everyone and introduces himself to every living person he runs across. Hendery. You’ve heard his name enough times today to burn that name in your brain. He’s walking around the classroom like it’s his birthday party, asking everyone how his spaghetti was.

You closed your eyes and rested your head on Xiaojun’s shoulder. You just couldn’t wait to get home and go back to sleep, your headache is killing you.

“Hey, how are you guys?! I’m Hendery!” You heard an unusually high-pitched voice for a teenage boy.

You opened your eyes and saw Xiaojun enthusiastically shaking Hendery’s hand. “I’m Xiaojun, nice to meet you!”

“Yeah, you as well!” Hendery’s gaze went to you, “And you are?”

The pain in your head is still throbbing, you just want to get over this unnecessary introduction.

“Y/N” You plainly said and gave him a timid smile. He returned the gesture and quietly walked back to his seat.

You went back to your position and tried to sleep, but Xiaojun is talking non-stop about his new mp3 player and how it shuts the noises around him, making you wonder if his mp3 player could shut him up too.

“Xiaojun, I’m having a headache. Stop talking about your freaking mp3 player please for the love of God.” You said, eyes closed and your head still resting on his shoulder.

He chuckled and aggressively put the left earpiece on your ear. “Stop being cranky. Here. Listen to some Jason Mraz.”

You laughed and pinched him on his side which made him yell and pinch you back that ended up in tickling and slapping each other’s hands away.

On the other side of the room, Hendery is watching you laugh and play with Xiaojun. He didn’t realize he was smiling to himself at the sight of the two of you laughing wholeheartedly. He knew that was the genuine you, not the shy and timid girl he just now.

Something in him feels envious of the friendship you and Xiaojun had. The two of you seemed so comfortable with each other and he also wanted to be a part of it. That’s when Hendery found himself trying to get closer with you and Xiaojun.

You noticed the next day that he moved seats next to the two of you. He would also chime in the conversations you were having and would bring snacks to share with you and your friend. You know what he was trying to do and if you’re going to be honest you’re a little skeptical if you’re going to let Hendery in your duo.

But soon enough, you’re the one who would include him in the conversation, Xiaojun would invite him to study together and he would ask one of you for help when he’s confused about something.

The three of you started building relationships in and outside of school like eating at McDonald’s during lunch break, watching movies after school or going to arcades during the weekends.

At first, Hendery is like a pest that you just couldn’t get rid of, but little by little he is slowly claiming himself a spot in your duo.

In the end, he got the friendship with you and Xiaojun that he wanted. Now, you couldn’t imagine life without Hendery’s comedic stunt every day and how your cheeks would hurt with so much laughing because of him. Being friends with Hendery doesn’t feel forced or fake, but it feels natural and destined like he’s been a friend for a very long time.

Your phone rang and you were startled at the ringtone you used for this caller ID. You could tell who’s calling just by listening to it.

“Dickhead. You’re such a dickhead and everybody knows it, everyone but you. You’re a dickhead. I hope you’ll soon be dead. And this is payback time for what you put me through.” You sang along, giggling alone in your room.

The call went to voicemail and you went back to studying, but not a second later your phone rang again, playing the same tune for the second time.

You specifically set this ringtone for him so you won’t feel bad for not answering your phone because you actually enjoyed listening to the song whenever he calls.

Just as usual, you ignored the call and let it ring a few more times. 5 minutes later, your phone is still ringing and the song is starting to drive you crazy. You slammed your pen on your desk and groaned before answering it.

“Finally! Why are you not answering my calls?!” He shouted from the other line.

“What do you want, Hendery?” You asked, and leaned back to your seat. “I’m studying so make it quick.”

He scoffed. “Want to eat snow with chocolate syrup?” Hendery suggested cheerfully making you laugh and roll your eyes at the same time.

This is the reason why you don’t want to answer his calls. It’s not because you don’t like talking to him or you find him annoying, but because you’d always get lost in what he says. You stop noticing the time and forget your priorities when it comes to him.

“You never run out of stupid ideas, do you? You know snow is dirty right?” You asked, with a smile on your face.

He chuckled but pretended to be offended. “Just because you have a sad and boring life doesn’t give you the right to call my ideas ‘stupid’” He ended the call right after he said that.

You laughed out loud looking at the screen of your phone where Hendery sent a series of text after text.

Hen 🐔: i didn’t really like the way u treated me just now Hen 🐔: and if u think u could apologize Hen 🐔: u are wrong y/n Hen 🐔: so wrong Hen 🐔: and u are going to regret this Hen 🐔: u are very boring & u dont have life Hen 🐔: from now on i will call u no fun nora Hen 🐔: no fun nora

You shook your head, smiling like an idiot and turned your phone over to go back to studying. “What a dickhead.” You mumbled.

An hour later, you received a text message from Xiaojun that they went out to get shaved ice without you.

“That’s what he meant y/n!” Xiaojun laughed on the other line. You just had to call to tell him what happened in your confusing conversation with Hendery earlier.

“He should’ve said shaved ice, not snow! How am I supposed to know he’s not talking about the actual snow?!” You almost screamed trying to deliver your point.

It’s unfair. You love shaved ice no matter the temperature outside, but Hendery purposely told Xiaojun that you didn’t want to come so they went ahead with just the two of them.

“Is that no fun Nora?” You heard Hendery from the background. Instantly, your lips perked up a smile.

“Put that dickhead on the phone, please.” You heard Xiaojun’s faint okay and passed the phone to Hendery.

“What do you want, no fun Nora? I’m eating shaved ice so make it quick.” He used the same line you told him earlier.

You’re on the verge of laughing but you kept it in, “Now you know what shaved ice is?!”

“Xiaojun corrected me. Because unlike you, no fun Nora, he’s a decent friend. He doesn’t like his friend, aka me, to look like an idiot.” You heard Xiaojun snort and say ‘debatable’ in the background.

“I told you I was studying! You know I have been stressing out with math since the beginning of time, so can you cut me some slack dickhead? That shaved ice would have been great to ease my stress.” You whined. He only laughed and gave the phone back to Xiaojun.

“Talk to you later y/n! We’re gonna go see Men in Black. Study well!” He ended the call leaving you in your deafening silenced room.

You inhaled sharply. How would you focus on your notes now that you could have been eating shaved ice and watching men in black with your best friends?

Your phone vibrated again and you lazily picked it up. It’s probably just Hendery shitting on your head again.

Hen 🐔: hey no fun nora Hen 🐔: im picking u up Hen 🐔: dress up now or fix ur face or whatever stiff u do Hen 🐔: stuff* Hen 🐔: i'm on my way now with ur shaved ice Hen 🐔: u like the fruity one right?? Hen 🐔: it’s not like i care Hen 🐔: if u don’t want this i'm still going to make u eat it Hen 🐔: also i took a cab so don’t be a jerk Hen 🐔: move fast or ill make u pay for everything

You stared at your phone with a lovesick smile painted on your face and a heart beating tirelessly in your chest.

Then you realized something, your smile faded and your eyes widened.

“Oh my god. I think I have a crush on Hendery.” You softly slapped your face and laughed. “Why him, no fun Nora?” You mumbled to yourself.

I can try to stop it, all I like Hands down I’ve lost this fight Thought I was strong enough for you But I just can’t hide the truth So, I guess I’m going down I guess I’m going down like this

For some reason, Hendery’s ‘friendliness’ made you fall in love with him and see him as more than just a friend. He would always tease you about literally everything, but he is also sweet and thoughtful.

Just like last time when you caught yourself with bad stomach flu and you kept using his bathroom while the three of you were studying at his house. He keeps spraying Lysol whenever you come out from the washroom and would follow you everywhere with it. But when he realizes that you’re not just constantly shitting and that you’re actually sick, he brought you to his bedroom and boiled you a ginger drink which tasted like death, and shoved bananas after bananas into your mouth. You weren’t sure if his home remedies helped, but you appreciate him calling his grandmother for help just so he could take care of you.

Hendery used to act like Xiaojun around you. He wanted to experience the friendship you had with Xiaojun and he did almost every single thing that the latter has done with you with a little bit of teasing and mockery.

All those things just so you could be his friend, and now that he already got that, he should stop trying to get your friendship right? But no. Something in him has this endless and tireless urge to win you over. And also no, this is not just becoming your friend anymore. It’s about being more than that.

Because when he watches you smile, he sees your pureness. When you laugh, he sees the beauty of your soul. When you talk, he sees how you view the world. And when you call his name, he sees his heart in your hand. No matter how hard he tries to shake this feeling off, he is all yours and he has no plans of taking it back.

He laid down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Both of his hands are on his chest, feeling how it quickens when he thinks of you.

He whispered to himself and smiled, “Why her, dickhead?”

~

Hendery went into the classroom and scanned the whole place. Xiaojun wasn’t there yet and you were seated alone, busy with whatever you were scribbling on your notes. Hendery quietly sneaked to your back, he was about to scare you but he stopped mid-track when he saw you calculating love compatibility of your name and…

“What are you doing?” Xiaojun asked, making both of you and Hendery jump.

Hendery looked behind him “I-uhm.” He started then he switched his eyes to yours making your whole body turn cold.

“How long have you been behind me?” You asked, trying to sound collected, but you’re near passing out due to extreme nervousness. Did he see you matching your name with his?

Xiaojun walked to his seat passing Hendery who just remained standing there. He then looked at you just quietly sitting down. “What the hell is going on with the two of you?”

You looked at Hendery who’s also looking at you. You quickly averted your eyes and clutched your notebook to your chest. “Nothing. I was just…”

“I caught her doing some love voodoo in her notebook.” Hendery said that made your heart thump harder.

“Love… voodoo?” Xiaojun looked at you, his eyes asking you what the hell were you really doing.

You were about to answer when Hendery spoke first, “Yeah, I saw her name on it but I didn’t see whose unlucky name she wrote down there.”

You exhaled and rolled your eyes. Good. He didn’t see his name.

“Why are you being nosy? Leave me alone.” You said with newfound confidence.

“So you really are doing love voodoo?” Xiaojun asked, this conversation is starting to get weirder for him with every second that passes by.

“Yes,” Hendery said in a heartbeat.

“No!” You said and glared at Hendery. “I was just checking our… compatibility.” You shyly said, unable to keep eye contact.

Xiaojun laughed out loud, “Compatibility with who? Who’s the guy?!” He asked enthusiastically.

You glanced in Hendery’s direction, he’s wearing an unidentifiable look on his face, waiting for an answer. “No one special. It’s just-” You didn’t finish what you were going to say when your classmate, Lucas, walked past the three of you. He smiled at you when he caught your eye and you did the same.

Hendery and Xiaojun watched you and Lucas smile at each other and went silent for the longest couple of seconds in your life before Xiaojun broke the silence.

“It’s him, is it?! It’s Lucas?!” Xiaojun exclaimed in a hushed tone, shaking you by the shoulder. You looked at Hendery again, who is now wearing a frown on his face. You were going to say no, but your teacher just came in and everybody went to their seats. Hendery did not squeak another word in that class.

After that incident, Hendery paid more attention to you and how you’re acting around Lucas.

One afternoon, your class is in the gym and everyone is doing their own thing. Hendery was playing basketball with the other boys while you’re sitting down on one of the benches, watching them play.

For just a gym play, they were playing it seriously. You watch how Hendery attentively follows the ball and runs after it. When he finally got the chance to get the ball, he gave Lucas the best assist you have ever seen a high school student play. His team scored and you screamed on top of your lungs to cheer for him.

Everyone in the gym looked at you. Some gave you a ‘what the fuck’ look, Xiaojun is dying in laughter, Hendery looks like he’s disappointed in you and only Lucas is smiling at you genuinely.

“Thanks, Y/n!” Lucas yelled across the gym.

You couldn’t say you’re not cheering for him, but you also don’t want them to find out that you were screaming for Hendery. In the end, you gave him a shy smile and waved to dismiss his thanks and went back to your seat, feeling embarrassed.

Hendery saw enough ‘evidence’ to confirm to himself that you like Lucas and it was indeed his name that you wrote down in your notebook together with your name. He saw how you would always smile at Lucas whenever he’s near and how he casually asks you to meet him in the library and you never hesitate to say yes.

“…I mean it’s understandable that she likes Lucas. Who wouldn’t? Right?” Hendery rambled to Xiaojun.

Xiaojun remained quiet but his mouth was wide open. He blinked a few times before gaining focus to speak again, “Wow… You like y/n.”

Hendery groaned. “I said a lot of shit and that’s all you heard?”

“I have to sink that in! Since when? I never noticed. You’re really good at hiding your feelings, all you did was piss her off.” Xiaojun snorted.

“I don’t know when exactly, but I think I have always liked her. And I wasn’t trying to hide my feelings, that was me showing her that I like her. You two are just too dumb to notice.”

“No, Hendery. Your way of showing is just unusual. But if it really bothers you, why won’t you just confess? You’re not friends with her that long yet. Think of it as just a few months to lose, right?” Xiaojun jokes. “Oh wait let me grab some of that milkshake.” He got up and went to buy himself a drink, leaving Hendery alone with his thoughts.

It was the only joke that went over Hendery’s head. He mistakenly thought of it as advice, a piece of wise advice that he should do.

“Right. Just a few months to lose.” He mumbled to himself, deep in his thoughts.

~

It was valentine's day and your last class for the day just ended. Hendery did not come to school so it was just you and Xiaojun the whole day. It felt wrong that Hendery wasn’t anywhere near you and you were so bummed out because of it.

“Did you get Hendery’s text?” You asked Xiaojun as soon as you left your classroom.

“What text? He never texts me unless he needs to copy my assignments.” He answered, fixing the straps of his backpack on his shoulders.

“Hendery sent me this cryptic text. He wanted me to meet him on the roof?” You said the last part in confusion, knitting your brows.

“He’s telling you to meet him on the roof. It’s very literal Y/n, that’s not cryptic at all. Weird? Yes. Cryptic? No.” He said. “But why would he want you to meet him on the roof?”

“Right?! It’s weird! But no, that’s exactly why I found his text cryptic. He was never straightforward with me. There has to be a catch here somewhere.” You said and read his text again hoping to see something between the lines.

“Just meet him and see what he’s up to for Pete's sake.”

“Come with me. I’m scared.” You said and tugged on his arm.

“What the fuck do you mean you’re scared?” Xiaojun laughed.

“I don’t know. He might push me off the roof or something. You know how complicated that guy’s brain is.” Xiaojun only sighed and went with you.

The moment you got to the roof, you immediately yelled for Hendery, both of you and Xiaojun were gasping for air. “Dickhead, why would you choose the roof to meet me you dipshit! I can’t breathe!”

You scanned the area and there’s no Hendery insight. “There’s no one here Xiaojun!”

“Y/N.” A man said behind you.

You turned around and your eyes widened at the sight of a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. You looked up to see who was holding them.

“Lucas…” You mumbled before hesitantly taking it from him and staring at them. “These are beautiful but what are these for?”

Lucas smiled shyly and rubbed his nape before taking out a piece of paper from his pocket. He unfolded it carefully and stole a glance at you before reading it with a smile.

“Y/n, the first time I met you, you weren't really eye-catching. You were frowning on the first day of school and couldn’t even be bothered.”

Your smile faded slowly. Wait, what?

“Your laugh sounds like a neigh. You walk like you’re going to attack somebody. When I look into your eyes I could see sleep crusts on the corners of your eyes. And your smiles are lopsided.”

You frowned. Why would he give someone chocolate and flowers if he’s just going to insult you? And where the hell are your friends?

“I don’t appreci-”

He cuts you off, “But, it was your personality that caught me. You said a single word and I’m instantly hooked. Your frown makes me want to make your day better, it makes me do everything I can just to turn that into a smile.”

You just stared at Lucas. Absorbing every word he reads.

“Your laughter may sound like a neigh but it’s the most satisfying sound I’ve ever heard in my life, I don’t think I could ever get through the day without hearing them. You may walk like an arrogant guy in the gym, but it makes my world stop spinning and my heart beats wildly. Your eyes may still have eye gunk in the middle of the day, but it’s the only eyes that I always get lost in. And your sarcastic looking smiles… they take my breath away.”

The letter doesn’t sound like Lucas at all. It sounds like someone else’s words. Someone you know very well…

Lucas refolded the paper and smiled at you before pointing to your back. “He has something else to say.”

You looked behind you and there he was. The person you’re thinking of while listening to Lucas.

“I was never in denial. Accepting what I feel for you wasn't difficult to do. I woke up one morning with you in my mind and a heart full of love all just for you. My whole world shifted and you are at the center of it. My feelings for you scared me for a brief moment that I might lose you as my friend if I tell you about it, but I know whatever happens after this, I will always be the dickhead that pisses you off every day.” He stopped and smiled for a second, “I like you Y/n.”

You could feel your heart bouncing in joy. Hendery likes you. He likes you. No matter how hard you look in his eyes, there is only honesty that you can see.

It’s the feeling of butterflies in your tummy that shuts you up. You wanted to say it back, you wanted to be his. But you’re just a bunch of high school students. You know you’re not ready for this. You have a whole lot more important things to think of than having a boyfriend this young.

“Hendery… I don’t know what to say. I am flattered, very flattered. In fact, I like you too. But I am not ready fo-“

He shushed you and raised his hand to make you stop talking, “In fact what?!” He exclaimed.

You could feel your right eye twitch. God how much you hate getting shushed. You rolled your eyes and inhaled, calming yourself down.

“I like you too. Don’t act like you don’t know. Isn’t that the reason why you’re doing this… whatever this is? As I was saying, I’m not yet ready to-”

“Wait, no, I didn’t know you like-“

“I’M NOT READY TO HAVE A BOYFRIEND YET!” You screamed with your eyes closed. “There I said it. You can’t let me finish, can you?”

Hendery smiled so wide it made your heart jump. He took your hand and squeezed it. “It’s okay. I am not forcing you into anything nor asking you for something in return. I can and will wait for you, just know that we’re not rushing. Take your time because we have a lot to spare.”

“Thank you, Hendery.” You smiled. You heard Xiaojun and Lucas clapping and cheering behind you. “Can I also add how annoying your letter is and why the hell did you involve Lucas in this?” You asked, making them laugh.

“So that if you rejected me, we’d both get disappointed. You, thinking that your crush is the one confessing to you and me getting rejected by you.”

“What? That’s ridiculous! Pfft. I don’t even like Lucas!” You realized how that sounded and also that Lucas is just right there in front of you, “…like that. I don’t like Lucas like that, he is very likeable but I don’t see him that way.”

“Hendery thought you like Lucas because you’re always with him these days, you were his cheerleader and he caught you doing love voodoo on him.” Hendery attempted to kick Xiaojun but luckily for him, he missed.

“I was with Lucas these days because I was assigned to tutor him. He was failing his classes miserably and they’re going to kick him off the basketball team if he doesn't make changes in his grades.” Your eyes met Lucas’ shocked expression then you realized “That’s supposed to be a secret and I am so sorry Lucas but I can swear to you that no one will know about this other than the four of us.”

“Hmm. You’re not sure about that.” Hendery mumbled.

“How about you becoming his personal cheerleader?” Xiaojun interrogated.

“I was cheering for this dickhead right here okay?! He assisted and it was honestly the only reason why Lucas scored.” You heard Lucas gasp beside you, “Which again I am sorry to say Lucas but that’s the truth.”

“Why am I even here just to get treated like this.” He mumbled to himself and everybody heard it, making all of you laugh. Xiaojun tried his best to put his arms around Lucas’ shoulder despite their height difference.

“And how are you going to explain the love voodoo? Hendery saw you wrote down Lucas’ name with yours.” Xiaojun added.

“He didn’t see shit!” You yelled and hastily pulled your backpack to your front and opened it to take out the same notebook in question. “Look who's name is written here!” You showed them the page where Hendery’s name is written just above yours.

Lucas and Xiaojun are intently looking at it, meanwhile, Hendery just took a glance at it and smiled at you.

“What did our compatibility say?”

“Frenemies.” You grinned and he playfully slapped your arm.

And I love it that she’s honest You don’t find it nowadays She’s not even drop dead gorgeous But she kills me anyways, oh

The sudden slamming of Hendery’s chopsticks on the table made all of you jolt on your seats.

“What the hell man.” Lucas complained with a mouthful of stir-fried rice then went back on eating his lunch.

Hendery looked around the school cafeteria and wore a grimace on his face. This is probably the most disgusted expression you’ve ever seen him wear. You watched his expression then followed his stare, trying to find what was making him react like this.

But there’s nothing much, just the usual valentines day decorations all around the university.

He looked at Xiaojun who was sitting right in front of him, eating cup noodles with pringles, and when he called it ‘taco noodle’ Hendery winced harder.

Xiaojun laughed at his facial expressions, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

He sighed and gripped his hair. “I fucking hate valentines day.” He muttered.

Lucas looked at him offended, “What do you mean? You love Valentine's day! You made me confess your love to Y/N in 7th grade on Valentine's day.”

Xiaojun snorted, “Oh, I remember now! That’s how you became our friend! I keep wondering when did we ever invite you to join us.”

The latter nonchalantly shrugged and ate another spoonful of his food, “I sat beside you guys the next day and just like that, I’m in. I don’t need to do all the sort of shit Hendery did. The three of you badly needed a good-looking lad in your group and I was the missing piece.”

Hendery didn’t answer and just kept the face he made, looking at everything with judgment in his eyes like he didn’t hear Lucas trash talk him. This isn’t his usual self, he would be the one making fun of the group, but he seems like he’s in too deep of thought to notice anything around himself.

“Are you okay Dery?” You finally spoke. Xiaojun and Lucas stopped bickering and also looked at him, waiting for an answer.

Hendery snapped his head towards you and stared at your face in the longest minute you’ve had in your life. You could almost see the gears in his brain working. He blinked a couple of times and smiled.

“Yeah! I am now because of you. Thank you for asking.” He scratched his head and looked at the table. “What was I doing again?”

Xiaojun pinched his arm to wake him up, “Eating. Dumbass. What’s wrong with you?”

Hendery only chuckled and shook his head. He picked up his chopsticks and played with his food with them.

“Did you know that he forgot we already had our eyes checked last week? I found out about it when I suddenly received an email from our optometrist asking me if there’s something wrong with our glasses because apparently this guy right here booked us for another eye check-up the next day. Who forgets that?” Xiaojun said.

Hendery laughed out loud, throwing his head back. “Senior year of college is eating me alive. Don’t judge.”

The three of you stared at him quietly, judgment could be felt in your stares. The air was extremely awkward before Xiaojun broke it.

“Okay?” He said wincing before moving his attention to you, “And what are you up to today little missy?” He asked you out of nowhere.

You couldn’t help but laugh, “That’s very random. But I think I’ll just stay at home as much as I want to go on a date.”

Lucas hollered and whistled, “Hendery, my man! That’s your cue!” Everybody at the table laughed.

“She isn’t that lucky.” He scoffed and looked at you, “Make me your boyfriend, and only then I’ll take you on a date.”

“I don’t know. You look like you’re not mature enough yet.” You teased him and he only laughed.

“I have been waiting for eight years and she keeps on turning me down. She’s not even drop-dead gorgeous.” A series of ‘ooh damn’ was heard from Xiaojun and Lucas, but you kept your eyes on each other.

“I never asked for you to wait. Also, you’re not very attractive either. You look like you haven’t been through puberty yet.” You said and poked your tongue out.

Hendery laughed and smiled like a lovesick puppy. “That’s exactly the reason why I fell in love with you. Date me, Senpai.”

Your eyes tell him the same and you could see the understanding in his. “Hmm. No.” You answered, keeping your mischievous smile.

He shrugged with a grin and leaned back on his chair, “Then don’t.”

I can try to stop it, all I like Hands down I’ve lost this fight Thought I was strong enough for you But I just can’t hide the truth

It has been a week since exams week passed. The four of you would always go out for lunch and window shop in different malls to loosen up the stress that studying has brought you. But it has been a week and you did none of those yet.

Despite being savage to each other, the three of you refused to go out without Hendery. For some reason, Hendery has been acting a little strange. He’s always not in the mood and would always cancel plans. He’d stay in his dorm and would not go out for days.

At first, it wasn’t really a big deal and all of you thought that he was just under the weather exactly like what he said. But after days of giving the same excuse, the three of you decided to find out what is happening to him.

Xiaojun, Lucas and you are seated in the living room of your dorm, waiting for Hendery to answer your facetime call.

“Why is he not answering his phone? And it’s you calling. Should I call the police?” Xiaojun asked, making Lucas laugh worriedly.

“Should we actually though?” Lucas looked at you, genuinely asking you with concern in his tone.

Your heart fell to the ground just thinking about it. “Shut the fuck up. Both of you just shut up.” You hissed at them and they went quiet.

The call was left unanswered, so you called him again. After three rings, the facetime call was finally answered. The room was very dark, you could barely see him on the screen.

“Hello?” His voice was hoarse, he sounded like he just woke up. You could feel your chest loosened with relief.

“Hey, man. Where are you at?” You still asked nevertheless knowing all too well that he’s in his dorm, laying on his bed.

Hendery let out a low chuckle, “I’m in my room, man. What makes you call me, man?” He emphasized the word ‘man’ every time he gets to use it just to piss you off.

After all these days of dealing with a quiet Hendery, you’re just glad that he’s mocking you again today. God, how much you missed this. Maybe he’s just really feeling sick.

“We’re at Y/n’s dorm! We’re going out later, want to join?” Xiaojun asked. You stared at the dark screen of your phone waiting for a reply.

You don’t have to see him to know that he’s thinking about it. Why’s he thinking about it? He would always just say yes to everything, especially to you.

“We’re going out for billiards.” You added. You heard Lucas whisper ‘we are?’ but you didn’t pay attention. You know how much Hendery loves billiards. You hoped that would get him excited if hanging out with you doesn’t excite him anymore.

Hendery cleared his throat before speaking, “I think I’m going to pass today. I’m sorry guys.” His voice tells you he is indeed sorry for bailing on you.

“Why? What is it this time?” On the other hand, Xiaojun’s voice is clearly pissed. “You’re always unavailable. We haven’t seen you in a week! The sem’s break is almost over and we haven’t hung out yet. Not even once!”

You tried grabbing Xiaojun’s arm to make him stop. Something tells you that there is something Hendery wasn’t telling any of you.

“I’m just not feeling well, Xiaojun. Can you try to understand that? Can you?” Hendery is quickly losing his temper, but he didn’t want to add fuel to the fire so he tried his best not to start an argument.

“Whatever.” Xiaojun sighed and left the living room to get himself a glass of water.

Hendery let out a deep breath on the other line “I’m going to rest now Y/n. Goodbye.” And he ended the call just like that.

“What the hell?” Lucas said. “That’s you, taking him out to billiards. That should be the happiest day of his life.”

He’s right. Lucas voiced your thoughts. You bit your lip and you had your right leg jumping up and down. Something’s not right at all.

Without a word, you ran to your room to get your purse and keys. As you were heading to the door, you ran past Xiaojun coming out from the kitchen.

“Where are you going?!” He asked.

“I’m going to see Hendery! Something’s not right!” You screamed right before you closed the door.

You received a series of texts from Lucas asking you what on earth are they going to do at your dorm. You threw your phone on the passenger’s seat where your purse was and buckled your seatbelt before driving to Hendery’s place.

His place is only 10 minutes away and you got there in no time. The elevator requires you to use some techy key so you decided to run 7 flights of stairs instead. You were out of breath when you got there and you knocked so loud the neighbours surely heard it.

Hendery on the other side of the door jolted up from the loud banging. He thought it was the police so he half-ran to the door to open only to see you gasping for air.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?” He asked but he stepped aside to let you in.

You waved your hand to greet him and went inside. Cans of pop are piled up on the kitchen table, plastic wraps of various candies are all over the floor. The sink is filled with dirty dishes, there is dirty laundry everywhere. His whole dorm is a mess and it reeks. You went straight to the window to let out some air.

“What the hell is going on here?” You asked as you instinctively tidy the place up.

“Just leave it there Y/n.”

“No, Dery. Your dorm is so freaking messy!”

Hendery follows you everywhere and takes everything you hand him with a frown on his face. And when you handed him his dirty boxer shorts, that’s when he dropped everything he’s holding and walked back to his room.

You followed his figure disappear into his bedroom. You sighed. Did you step over the line? Maybe you shouldn’t have overdone your welcome. You went to his bedroom and gently knocked on the door before slowly pushing the door open.

He’s laying on his bed, his back facing you. His room is so dark but you could still see the mess scattered everywhere. You ignored them for now and walked to his bed. You sat down on the edge and poked his body.

“I’m sorry.” You said.

He remained facing the wall for a second before sighing. His stiff shoulder visibly relaxed, he sat up and faced you. “No. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

You touched his hand with the tips of your fingers. “No. You have every right to get annoyed. I’m just worried about you. You’re not being your usual self, you’re always hiding here in your room, you barely hang out with us anymore. What’s wrong, Dery? You know you can talk to me right?”

He looked down at your hand and played with your fingers, “I feel overwhelmed. I don’t think I could finish college anymore. My parents have been sending me money to study, but I don’t think I am worth all that hard work and money. I can’t even pass a very simple quiz. I always feel tired, I just want to… rest. You know?” He confessed.

You cannot help but worry. You saw the changes in Hendery’s behaviour, but hearing it directly from him scared you. There are unspeakable things that are running in your head that you wished to happen to no one. You were alarmed by how he thinks and sees himself that it left you speechless for a couple of seconds. The Hendery right in front of you looked so fragile and vulnerable, and your heart breaks for him.

“Dery…” You called out his name. He looked up and met your eyes. He gave you a sad smile.

“I’m sorry if I burdened you with my problems. You don’t have to worry about it, that’s just me making everything dramatic and complicated.” He chuckled.

You took his hand between your palms and held it tightly. “Don’t dismiss your feelings that quickly, Hendery. I don’t mind listening to you and helping you out with your problem. I am actually glad that you are talking about it, and can you not think that you’re a burden to me? Because you will never be that. And your feelings… they’re valid. Everyone has their low points, it might be sad to say but it’s normal. You can’t always be happy, there will come a time when you will feel the need to rest and you should. Rest your heart, your mind, your soul. Just know that you should never go through this low point alone. We’re here for you, I am here for you. Always.”

“Always?” He asked.

“Yes. Always.” You replied. Hendery wiped his eyes with his hand while the other was gripping your hand tightly.

He cannot express in words how thankful he was to have this conversation with you. It definitely lifted some weight from him. “Thank you.” He said and forced a smile.

His current state right in front of you broke your heart into shreds that made you tear up. You chuckled while holding back your tears. “Did you know that I love you?” You asked.

He looked into your eyes and nodded with a smile on his face. “I felt it.”

You gave back the smile, “Why didn’t you say anything about it?”

Hendery shrugged, “Because I love you. I love you enough to give you all the time you need in this world. And didn’t I tell you that I am not asking for anything in return? I just love you and it’s enough for me to feel that you love me just as much.”

“Do you also love me enough to get professional help?”

His smile faded, “What do you mean professional help?”

“I am asking you to see a shrink, Dery. They can help you cope with whatever you’re going throu-”

“Why can’t you help me instead? I thought you were always going to be with me? Why are you sending me to see a shrink?”

You sighed, “Dery, this is the best way I know how to help you. You need help and professionals could help you the best. I will still be here for you, I will even go with you to the therapy if I have to. I will never leave you alone, but let’s ask for help from someone that could actually help you. Hmm? Please?” You convinced him.

His frown disappeared. “Okay. But just because you said please.” He replied that it made you smile.

“Thank you. It’s for your own good.” You said.

“I know.” He gave you a genuine smile and kissed your knuckles. “Thank you.”

~

Hendery disappeared.

He stopped coming to school, he never replied to any of your texts, his phone is disconnected, he deleted every single social media he owns and now that the three of you tried visiting him after he missed school for a few days, you were all surprised that his apartment was left unlocked and empty, all three of you tried going to his parent’s house, but no one’s there.

He just left.

The last thing you heard from him was his appointment with the psychiatrist. You texted him multiple times asking how the meeting went, but he never texted back. You tried calling him but his phone was turned off. You thought he was just asleep and forgot to charge his phone so you tried calling him the next morning only to find out that his phone was cut off.

“Can you try calling him again?” Lucas suggested. You and your friends are in Hendery’s empty dorm.

“Did you think I haven’t tried that already?!” You hissed at him.

“Calm down Y/N. Your temper won’t be of any help. Control it.” Xiaojun warned you.

“I’m sorry, Lucas. I don’t mean to lash out at you. I am just feeling frustrated.” You are. The frustration in your chest is building up and you hate every second that passes by without knowing what the hell has happened to Hendery.

Lucas smiled timidly, “No, I get it. I’m sorry if I’m a little annoying, I’m worried too.”

“We all are.” Xiaojun said and tapped his shoulder.

You held your phone in tightly and stared at his contact number. Taking a very deep sigh, you wondered to yourself.

Where are you, Hendery?

I guess I’m going down I guess I’m going down I guess I’m going down like this

It has been a month since Hendery’s sudden disappearance. Every day, all of you wondered what had happened to him. You tried contacting his family, but nobody answered your calls. You wanted to look for him everywhere, but all of this happened during the busiest month in school and you have to prioritize your studies first.

Heaven knows how much you wanted to drop everything to look for Hendery, but you also thought of your friends. They wanted to look for him too and you just can’t ditch them and look for him by yourself.

“Okay, is everything ready?” Lucas asked and strapped his seatbelt on. Xiaojun beside him nodded and you answered yes.

“I still don’t understand why you guys won’t let me drive my car.” You said as you try to untangle the wires of your earphones.

Xiaojun sighed. “Y/N, we already talked about this. You were so unfocused these weeks and this is a 6-hour-drive to Hendery’s hometown. We need to get there alive so just sit back and let it go. Lucas is driving and that’s it.”

Hendery’s hometown is the last thing the three of you haven’t checked yet. Back when you were in high school, his family brought you, Lucas and Xiaojun there for a weekend trip, and that is the last place you can search for him. Heck, all of you would never leave a single rock unturned until you find him. 8 years of friendship will not end like this.

Lucas chuckled and put his hand behind Xiaojun’s headrest and backed up out of your apartment’s driveway. “I am really going to smack that guy’s head so hard he’d regret having a head.”

You smiled at what he said, “Do you think Hendery will be there? What if he’s not there either? What if his family moved out of their house? What if we run out of places to look for him? What if we don’t find him?” Every question you’ve spoken placed a heavy weight on your chest.

Xiaojun and Lucas were silent for a second. “He will be there Y/N. I just know that he’s just back home chilling. So, don’t worry too much.” Lucas assured you and gave you a wink through the rearview mirror.

You were very quiet throughout the ride and so are the other two. Only the radio can be heard through the thick air. No one might be talking, but all three of you could hear each other’s thoughts loud and clear. The closer you get to Hendery’s hometown, the heavier your heart feels. None of you know what awaits there, there could be nothing, good news or a bad one. But all you could think of is how much you miss him, and if he’s not back home, you wanted to know if he’s doing fine in the very least.

“Y/N? We’re here.” Xiaojun gently tapped your knees from the passenger seat to wake you up.

“How long was I sleeping?” You quickly sat straight and looked around, it was still bright outside but the sun is setting soon.

“Doesn’t matter. Let’s go and see that dickhead. Did you practice all the swear words you wrote down for him?” He joked to lessen the worry you’re feeling and you’re thankful for it.

“Oh yeah. I’ll make sure his ear will fall off.” You answered before opening the car door.

Lucas knocked on the front door and heard a voice yelling to wait a second from the other side. At this point, you were so glad that at least you could talk to someone who might know where Hendery is.

The door was opened by Hendery’s mom and your heart just swelled with relief. The moment she saw the three of you, her shoulders dropped and smiled. She opened her arms and offered all of you a hug. “It’s been a long time, my kids. What were you guys up to?” She asked as she let you enter.

“Uhm-beside school, we were just trying to look for Hendery this past month. Do you mind telling us where he is?” Lucas asked, cutting through the chase.

Hendery’s mom smiled sadly. “I was hoping to chat with you guys for a little while before addressing the elephant in the room.” She kids and looked at you with tears in her eyes. “First, everyone in our family wanted to thank you for pushing my son to visit the psychiatrist.”

Your heart is in your throat. “Wait, I’m sorry. Did something happen to him?” You clutched your chest and tears are starting to pool around your eyes.

She broke down into tears. Hendery is so much like his mother, a happy person that never showed any sadness, and to see her crying helplessly in front of the three of you made your heart sink down to your feet. Xiaojun held onto you as he lost his balance, and Lucas just stood there confused and speechless like you.

“W-what happened? Is… Is he h-here? W-where is he?” Xiaojun asked, you could feel his heartbreak.

She chuckled and wiped her eyes. “Oh god, I’m so sorry.” She apologized and combed her hair with both of her hands. “Hendery’s at the hospital right now and get the help he needed. The reason why I was thanking you Y/n is that he is sick and it was caught early because of you.”

“I don’t understand. If it’s something about his mental health why would he need to stay in the hospital? Did he h-hurt himself?” You asked.

“No, love. He would never do that, he promised us that.” She assured you and held your hand. “There is no diagnosis yet, but the prognosis was Huntington's disease. He was tested last week and is now under observation until the result comes back”

Your world stopped spinning. He has what?

“I-I’m sorry can you please explain what’s that?” Xiaojun asked.

She smiled sadly, “It’s a brain disorder that he inherited from either me or his father. It affects his motor movements- sudden movements that he couldn’t control, relapses in his memory, mood changes, anxiety, depression, anger and irritability. Small things that could be overlooked if someone’s not paying enough attention.”

“How are they going to treat him?” Lucas asked. The three of you looked intently as she took longer to answer.

“They can’t. There is no cure for what he possibly has.”

~

The three of you walked down the hospital aisle with a heavy heart, but his mother asked all of you to try to stay positive around him. Lucas knocked on the door before opening it. Hendery’s eyes widened as he saw the three of you entering his room.

“W-what… H-how?” He asked.

You stared at him and noticed that he lost a lot of weight. You could see the bones in his upper chest and how his cheeks look sunken. There are needles sticking in his hand and the hospital gown just looked too big on him. You could physically feel your chest tighten at the sight of him.

“We looked everywhere for you dickhead.” You said. You tried keeping it positive but you couldn’t help but cry.

You felt the sense of relief that at least he is alive, but your heart is in pain seeing him like this and offended that he chose to hide his condition from all of you.

I can try to stop it, all I like Hands down I’ve lost this fight Though I was strong enough for you But I just can’t hide the truth

He didn’t want you. You wanted to stay with him and take care of him but he didn’t want you.

“Why are you so freaking stubborn, Hendery?” You asked him, putting the bowl of porridge on the table after a failed attempt of feeding him.

“Because first, I can feed myself just fine, thank you. Second, can you power puff girls just drive back to the city and go back to school? Like you guys have been here for a week already. You’ve been missing a lot.” He said and took the bowl of porridge from the table to feed himself.

“I can’t. Bubbles is driving and he won’t go home till tomorrow.” Xiaojun said, making him laugh.

“Do you think I could drive back home now that I looked up online that Huntington's Disease only gives you a maximum of 10 years to live?” Lucas said without putting much thought into it.

The whole room went quiet. The possible truth of what he said is a slap on everyone’s faces.

Hendery chuckled awkwardly to break the silence, “Well, ten years is a long time right? A lot could happen.”

You just stared at his face with seriousness.

“Be my boyfriend.” You blurted. Everyone looked at you with a surprised look.

Hendery just shook his head and laughed, “I appreciate the offer, but no, thank you.”

“Why? You said you love me right? And you know that I love you too. Be my boyfriend.”

Xiaojun and Lucas were just sitting there, listening to your conversation in disbelief. For eight years, it was always Hendery asking you this exact question. Your boldness and certainty in your decision made them stare at you in amusement.

“I don’t need pity love.” Hendery mumbled, looking down at his hand.

You were very offended but you tried to understand his situation. It’s not Hendery, it was his brain disorder speaking.

“We talked about this before you ditched us. I told you I love you and you said you knew. Don’t you remember that?” You asked calmly.

“I do. I am really happy that you’re asking me that. I used to dream of it and now that it’s actually happening in real life, I might twerk here in front of you if I’m not bedridden.” He looked up and stared at the window.

“Then why? Make me understand. You love me, I love you. You have been waiting for eight years, now I’m ready and you’re turning me down?” You asked, voice sounding a little offensive.

Hendery frowned. “Because why the hell would you waste your time with me?!” He raised his voice. You’re graduating soon, you should go back to school and get that degree but look at what you’re doing!” He looked at you and also pointed at Xiaojun and Lucas, “Look at all of you, skipping school just to sit here!”

“Fine. Xiaojun, Lucas? Go home. I’ll text you updates every hour.” You told them and looked back to face Hendery. “Now, can you be my boyfriend?”

Hendery is starting to get annoyed, “Going back to school also applies to you, Y/n.” He said in all seriousness.

“No.” You stubbornly said. Which pissed Hendery off but felt endeared at the same time.

“Then I’ll have to shun you.” He said before turning the television on and turning the volume up.

“Have it your way, you’re never going to get rid of me.” You said and sat down beside his bed to watch TV with him.

Xiaojun and Lucas eventually went back to the city the next day while you asked to stay behind. You called your parents to tell them that you’re not going back just yet and told them not to worry. They understand the situation and bid their regards to Hendery.

Hendery on the other hand was even more pissed that you really did not go back to university. He tries his best to ignore your presence but is very attentive whenever you move around. He listened to your conversation with Lucas and Xiaojun, he listened to you asking them for a copy of the lesson they had that day. Whenever you fall asleep, he’d just stare at your face as if it would be his last time seeing it.

This went on for two more weeks. He only started talking to you again when you suddenly stopped being on your laptop all day and stopped asking your friends about school. He had suspicions, but he wouldn’t be able to confirm it if he wouldn’t ask you.

“What did you do, Y/N?” He asked as you went back to his room with a cup of coffee in your hand.

You smiled at him and pulled a chair closer to his bed, “Are we in speaking terms now?” You asked, wiggling your eyebrows.

“I asked you, what did you do? Why aren’t you on your laptop studying?” He asked.

You sighed before speaking, “I dropped out.”

“You what?!” He asked, sitting right up. His sudden movement made him dizzy but he did not take his eyes away from you.

“I want to focus on taking care of you. It’s my decision and I already told my parents about it. I will return back to school next year and there's only one semester left anyway.” You explained.

“Exactly! One semester left and you chose to drop out!” Hendery yelled.

“Hendery, I don’t want you to live here alone okay?” You said, tears starting to pool around your eyes. “I love you and can you please stop pushing me away? I am here because I want to and because I love you.” You’re sobbing and Hendery doesn’t know what to do.

Hendery tried to reach your back and rub it, “Shh. Don’t cry. I’m sorry, I just don’t want you to give up something important.”

You swat his hand away and wipe the tears on your eyes aggressively, “Oh shut up! You have no idea what’s important to me so can you just stop making me do something I don’t want to do?! I don’t want to go back to college while you’re here laying in bed because you couldn’t stand up anymore! I am scared to leave you here and risk you not remembering me when I come back! You couldn’t even drink water on your own now because you can’t lift the damn pitcher of water! You might have this brain disorder that will kill you in a decade or two but all you fucking talk about is me going back to school!”

Hendery listened to you while looking down at his hand, fingers fiddling with each other. Tears are gushing down his cheeks and he attempts to wipe them every time they fall. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

“Eight years ago, you told me we have a lot of time to spare but that’s not the case anymore, Hendery.” You said calmly, but tears are still running down your face. “Don’t you know how much I regret not saying yes to you every time you ask me to be your girlfriend? On how much time I take for myself just because I wasn’t ready to date yet? You gave me eight years' worth of time, can you just let me give you mine?” You asked, sobbing your heart out.

He looked up to you, crying harder than you do. He opened his mouth to speak but his sobs stopped him from doing so. You couldn’t help but laugh at the ugly crying face he’s making, and the sound of your laugh makes him laugh too.

“Asshole.” He managed to say. Making both of you cry and laugh at the same time.

Both of you took a couple of minutes to die down your laughter and calm down your emotions.

“So, are you still going to push me away or you’re going to make me stay?” You asked him.

He smiled but with a pout on his face. “Stay.” He said and opened his arms to invite you into a hug. “I just wished you asked me to date you when I was still handsome.”

You crept into his arms and buried your face on his chest, you could feel his bones but you don’t care. “Don’t worry about it, you were never handsome anyways.”

A few days later, Hendery was told that the result of his test came back. The doctor asked for the family to be in the room. His mom and his dad were standing side by side and you were sitting on his bed, holding his hand and rubbing it with your thumb.

The doctor came in with an envelope with a face that you could almost read. “I regret to inform you that the test came back positive. The samples were taken from you, Hendery, showed that you indeed have Huntington’s Disease.” The doctor went on with his medical explanations but Hendery kept his stare onto you.

His grip on your hand tightened, making you look at him with a sad smile. “We thought you only had 10 years left but the doctor said you have 15 to 20 years. You really are the devil, are you?” You asked him, making everyone laugh and sniff at the same time.

Hendery rested his head on your shoulder and closed his eyes as he memorized your scent, “I’m officially dying.” He mumbled, sounding almost like a warning.

You put your palm on top of his cheek and kissed the top of his head.

“I know, and I don’t care.”

~

16 years later

“Jie!” You yelled by the stairs, looking up to the second floor.

“Yes, mom?!” A voice of a young boy yelled back.

“Did you help your brother get ready?!” You asked and kept your stare on the wall.

“Lei’s almost done! He’s just practicing putting his own pants on!” Jie answered and you heard both of your sons giggle upstairs. You smiled to yourself and went back to the kitchen to finish the rice roll you were making.

“They yell too much, don’t they?” Xiaojun asked Lucas who was both sitting and waiting in the living room of your house.

“Not that much!” Lucas replied in his usual loud voice, making Xiaojun wonder why the hell did he ask Lucas in the first place.

Just a little later two sets of feet ran down the stairs.

“Careful young ones. You don’t want to trip and hurt yourselves.” Xiaojun reminded them before getting up from his seat and squatting in front of Lei to fix the zipper of his pants.

“Thank you, uncle Xiaojun.” The 5-year-old said. Xiaojun just smiled at him and gently tapped the young boy’s shoulder before standing up.

Lucas walked to them with a small box wrapped in gift paper. He handed it to the older boy and greeted him, “Happy 9th birthday, Jie. You’ve grown up to be a very good boy so you deserve a gift.”

Jie quickly tore the wrapping apart and the brothers gasped at the sight of a remote control car. “Thank you, uncle! You’re the best!” The young boy said and hugged Lucas.

“Your uncle Xiaojun and I shared to buy you that gift so you have to share that toy with Lei too, okay?”

The boy nodded with a grin on his face and immediately showed the toy to his brother who is also wearing a bright smile.

You came out from the kitchen with a thermos bag. Jie also showed his toy to you and you asked your eldest if he said his thanks already, to which he proudly admitted yes.

“Good job.” You praised your eldest. You sighed and looked at everyone before asking with a smile, “Are we all ready?”

Everyone nodded and went to your minivan. Lucas was the one in the driver’s seat and Xiaojun was seated next to him in the passenger’s seat, while you and your children were seated at the back.

The drive was quiet, only the music and the boys’ laughs could be heard. There’s something thick in your throat that is choking you, but you held it back.

The car stopped at a very peaceful place. Your children went down the car and asked for your permission to play with their toy on the wide ground.

“Just don’t go too far, okay? Stay near.” You reminded them and they both said yes in a chorus before running to the tree nearby.

You watched them play with the toy car your best friends bought them with a sad smile on your face when you felt a warm hand rested on your back. You looked beside you and saw Lucas sharing the same smile, beside him was Xiaojun also wearing a similar expression.

“Let’s go?” Lucas asked you softly. You nodded and turned your back before walking to the nearby headstone that reads “Huang Guanheng. A loving father, faithful husband and a good friend.”

It hurts. It still hurts. But you smiled. “Hey, dickhead. How’re seven feet below the ground treating you?” You asked, making both of your friends laugh, but your voice cracked along the line. “It’s our eldest 9th birthday today. It’s also his first birthday without you.” You sniffed.

“He said he misses you this morning. I told him that I miss you too. I miss you so much.” You cried, and you heard your friends cry with you. “But I am making it. I can make it because you gave me enough time to prepare myself for this and more than enough happy memories in a lifetime to keep me moving. You gave me two beautiful sons, who by the way look like you.” Xiaojun laughed beside you and mumbled ‘unlucky kids’ later on the three of you are laughing altogether.

Xiaojun puts his arms around your waist and Lucas puts his around your neck. The three of you stared at his headstone for a while before one of you asked to leave. You told them to go ahead first, that you will be with them in a minute.

You squatted down in front of your husband’s headstone and gently caressed the engraved name.

“We’re leaving now. Your sons wanted to get snow with chocolate syrup.” You smiled at the memory. “I just hope you’re happy wherever you are Hendery, don't worry about me and the kids. We’ll be okay.” You shut your eyes closed and composed yourself, trying to hold back your tears before speaking again. “Rest well, my love.”

I can try to stop it, all I like Hands down I’ve lost this fight And I thought that I was strong enough for you But I just can’t hide the truth So I guess I’m going down like this

A/N: Re-uploaded just as promised! I also changed the header picture of this story and it really felt like this is a brand new story. Thank you to those who waited and sorry to those who were in the middle of reading them when I deleted this.

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and being alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You have to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes too near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could."

– Louise Erdrich, "The Painted Drum"

(17:27) hair dye.

"you want to what?" mark asked, a bit taken aback by the unexpected request. "come on mark! it will be fun, and you get to spend some quality time with your favourite person!" you pleaded, taking steps closer. "i don't see renjun around- ow?!" he started before you had given him a punch on his upper arm. he send you a small glare that quickly turned into an amused eye roll. "come on markie poodle." you asked, clinging onto his arm and slightly lifting yourself up on your tippy toes. "what did you just call me?" mark laughed out, tears almost forming in his eyes. "okay, okay. but if the company says something you better take the punishment for me." you smiled in victory, grabbing his hand to lead the both of you to the bathroom. "i promise on my grave that i will take any blame. now let's go and dye our hair." you said excitedly, dragging mark with you. he looked at the back of your head with a smile that held so much adoration. his gaze was usually like that with you. full of unspoken words that he couldn't find the right sentences for to show you how much he adored you. no mix of words doing any justice to how he really felt.

"you're going to look so hot with brown hair." you had told him and he couldn't help but chuckle. "it's just a shade lighter than black, nothing to be complimenting me about." he responding back. "well, you're the mark lee, why wouldn't i compliment you." you questioned and mark couldn't hold back the grin on his face. and as you made eye contact through the mirror, you smiled just as wide. "in that case, you'll look even better than i did with any hair colour." he returned the compliment and you hid your face behind his head, making him laugh out loud. "you're supposed to be the shy loser in this relationship, mark. stick to your job!" you slapped his shoulder as his laugh died down. "i'm sorry, i will go back to being that shy loser if that's the mark lee you like so much." mark said, his hand reaching out to his shoulder where your left hand was placed. he slightly craned his neck to look up at you. "but just know, i meant every bit of it." he sent you a soft smile and you could feel your whole body melt. who had you saved in your past life to deserve such an amazing human being and get to call him yours. "shush." you smiled back, ignoring the way your heart was erratically beating.

. i seriously can't stop thinking of how good mark looks this comeback, may they never ever cut his hair again.

LIGHT OF MY DARK WORLD.

boyfriend!mark | fluff | boyfriend au | cw: fears of the dark & thunder

note ; there's a reference to 'nothing' by bruno major in this, but it's actually based on the lyrics of 'lights' by got7's yugyeom , aka soty!!!! the lyrics make me cry LOL so i had to write this <3

taglist ; @soobin-chois (lmk in comments, asks, or dms if you’d like to be added to my taglist! ^^)

Thanks to a sudden blackout that was unexpected but not unwelcomed, your apartment was completely pitch black.

Which probably explains why it's taking Mark such a long time to get to your shared bedroom.

"Markie? Hurry up, I'm waiting!" you called out impatiently, fingers tapping against the top of your battery-run radio.

You head your boyfriend huff loudly, stumbling over something and almost tripping.

"I hope you know that it's very difficult to walk through the dark without glasses and bad eyesight." he complains.

"Can't relate," you tease as you finally hear him enter the room and walk up to you. "I didn't stay up secretly reading Harry Potter under the blankets as a child."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say." he deadpans, chuckling.

Reciprocating his laugh, you peck his cheek before running your fingers over the front of your radio, each button and its function long burned into your memory out of familiarity.

"I'll play a Bruno Major CD, is that okay?" you asked, fiddling with the radio as you tried to load the disk.

Mark offers a hum in response, arms wrapping around your waist from the back as he rests his head on your shoulder. He's squinting as he tries to figure out what you were doing through his blurry vision.

"You know, you sound really excited to dance in the dark for someone who's usually scared of it." Mark notes, recalling how you would get really quiet and clingy in the dark.

"Oh, I'm not scared of the dark anymore," you laughed airily, dismissing his note with a wave of your hand. The other one hits the 'Play' button on the radio.

Almost immediately, 'Nothing' starts to play, scratchy intro of the heart-swelling song filling up your dark apartment.

"Really? That's not what you were saying last week during the thunderstorm though." he teases.

"That was different." you retort, scoffing. "Thunder was involved, and I'm still scared of that."

Mark can only laugh at how adorably stubborn you are when it comes to admitting your fears, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

The feeling of his soft lips against your skin makes you smile, melting into Mark's embrace.

And you wonder if he knows that he's the reason you weren't scared of the dark anymore, and you were sure that you'd get over your fear of thunder soon with him around.

The tight hugs in bed while he rubbed your back and reminded you that there was nothing to be scared of, the warmth of his hands in yours as he pressed small kisses to your knuckles and whispered funny stories to distract you, everything.

Little by little, Mark had totally transformed your fear of the dark into nothing but trust, calmness, and an endless love to be with him all night.

He colored you warm - even your surroundings - and you no longer were the frail, gray canvas you were, brave yellows and peaceful blues replacing them instead.

"And besides," you whisper, wrapping your arms around Mark's waist.

"You're the light of my dark world, so even when the night comes, I'm not afraid."

© neolovesneo, 2022.

a part of your home | kim seokjin

in which seokjin creates space for you in his apartment….

Description: ~1k words / Seokjin x Reader (F) / Fluff / Established Relationship / Drabble / I would consider this a one-shot but everything I wrote here sort of emerged from another scenario I wrote that I’m going to share later - I would almost consider this one to be a prequel to that, but they’re not really connected and you can take each as its own separate thing!

-

You and Seokjin had been together for a while, but it still didn’t make sense for you two to live together. Since he was so busy at work, whenever he was at home, you spent most of your nights and days at his apartment, even during random moments throughout the day between your daily activities. You just wanted to soak up as much time with each other as possible, and he always made time to see you whenever his schedule got busy.

You had a small gap between running errands and meeting a friend one day, but was shocked to receive a text from Seokjin telling you he was home and asking if you were free for a moment. You had a date set for the next day, but a random text from Seokjin like this was unexpected considering his work was picking up in the past couple of weeks, and you were restricted to late night meetings when you were both exhausted… Considering that, you couldn’t say no and so agreed to pass by. 

Seokjin had told you to text him as soon as you got to his apartment building. You were going to anyways, but he seemed particularly excited or needy today, constantly asking you whether or not you left or were on your way already… He was never like this regularly, you could tell he had something up his sleeve, or maybe he was just excited to see you, but it didn’t matter - you were just as excited to see him too and got there as fast as you could and text him as soon as the door to his building is in view - you didn’t wait until you actually got there. 

“Here! x”

You're in so much of a rush that you didn't think to look at the notification on your phone, knowing it would be a reply Seokjin must've sent you (which you later realize was a text saying "Finally.")

You rush to his door only to find him ready to greet you there, blushing and trying to contain a smile.

“Seokjiiiiiiin!,” you call out.

“Hi, honey,” he says in response as he leans against the doorframe and places a quick kiss on your lips….. perhaps one that was a bit too quick… 

“What’s up? You seem… excited today,” you say, raising your eyebrows at him as he closes the door to his apartment behind him after you both enter.

“I am excited….”, he uttered, his cheeks still rosy as he stared down at the floor and up at you. “I hope you will be too.”

“Seokjin, I’m always excited to see you,” you gushed as you stretched your arms and placed your hands on the back of his neck.

“I am too but I have something to show you,” he professed, “Follow me.”

He breaks away from your embrace and grabs your hand as he leads you to his bedroom… A million thoughts and possibilities immediately ran through your mind…

He didn’t seem to be “in the mood”….  It was midday… Did he suddenly want to make love now? You wouldn’t object and always wanted him, but you thought you’d be doing that later tonight or after your date tomorrow... You didn’t want to tire yourself out before meeting your friend today… But he looked so adorable... Did you even wear sexy lingerie? Seokjin wouldn’t care, but it still would’ve been nice… 

But Seokjin surprised you when he walked straight past his bed and towards the wardrobe. He opened up one of the cupboards and pulled open an empty drawer.

“I was thinking and…. Well, I cleared out this drawer… It’s for you. You’re here all the time and it still doesn’t make sense for us to live together, you know? But I thought it’d be nice if you could leave some stuff of yours here to make yourself more at home.”

Your sweet, sweet boy.

“Seokjin…this is so sweet,” you say with your hands over your surprised, agape mouth. 

“Feel free to use it for whatever you want. You can keep a toothbrush, a bottle of your shampoo, some snacks… you can keep those things in the kitchen and bathroom too, or here, it’s up to you. This drawer is completely for you…I, uh…” he pauses. He clears his throat, probably realizing himself how red his ears have gotten, and stares back at the drawer.

“I - I was thinking it might be useful for that, or you know maybe a pair of your pyjamas, a change of clothes, some underwear….I just thought it’d be useful.”

“Seokjin, I’m so touched… Are you sure? Don’t you need this drawer?”

“I don’t, don’t worry about it,” he says with a smile.

“I can’t wait to fill it up,” you admit, “I’ll bring a toothbrush, some other toiletries - I’ll get the travel-sized sets.”

“Why are you going to get the travel-sized ones?!,” he says, half-pretending to be shocked and offended, “Get the regular ones, it’s not like we’re breaking up and I would want my drawer back in a few days like my drawer is on vacation from me.”

“I didn’t mean it like that Seokjin,” you laugh, “I was going to get the travel-sized shampoo and conditioner sets so it takes up less space, but I’ll take the regular one, don’t worry,” you reassure him as you rub his chest. “Ah, I’ll keep them in rotation but I know the exact pyjamas and lingerie I’ll leave here first….,” you smirk.  

He blushes, unable to resist a shy laugh that escapes him.

“Oh, I almost forgot,” he stops as he reaches into the pocket of his trousers and pulls out a sticker in shape of a bee. He closes the drawer and sticks the bee right beside the brass knob of the drawer.

“For my honey,” he says shyly.

You let out a happy sigh and pull him in for a kiss.

“Thank you, Seokjin. I can’t wait to use it.”

“I’m happy you liked the idea, I was scared it would be too much,” he admits.

“Not at all - it’s one of the most romantic things you’ve ever done for me, Seokjin. I’m happy you feel comfortable with having me be a part of your home,” you reassure him as you look up at him.

“Honey, YOU are my home.”

“And you’re mine”, you exhale.