Guy Next To Me At Work Is French And Fucking Insufferable About It. "chebyshev's Inequality? I'm Not

30 I 2023

in a fortnight I will have two oral exams and one problem-based exam

the first oral will be for complex analysis and we are supposed to choose three topics from which the professor will pick one and we'll have a chat. I chose meromorphic functions, Weierstrass function and modular function. I have already received my final score from homeworks, which is 73%. combined with 74% and 100% from tests, I am aiming for the top grade

the rest of exams will be for algebraic methods. a friend who already took this course told me that when someone is about to get a passing grade, they get general questions and the professor doesn't demand details of proofs. when I asked him if we are supposed to know the proofs in full detail or if it suffices to just be familiar with the sketch, he told me that if I will only know the sketch I will sit there until I fill in all the details. lmao that sounds like he wants me to get a top grade. ok challenge accepted

so it seems like I have a chance to ace everything. if I achieve this and do it again next semester I can apply for a scholarship. studying for the sole purpose of getting good grades doesn't feel right, the grades should come as a side effect of learning the material. buuut if I can get paid for studying then I might want to try harder, I enjoy being unpoor

the next two weeks will be spent mostly grinding for the algebraic methods exams, this is what I'm doing today

are you a girl?

I am, but I thought that was obvious given that I have a picture of me in my icon.

in a way. over the last two years or so. mathematics has become the altar at which I pour out my private grief, and transmute it to something like solace. it does not particularly matter to me if I am ever any good at it. what matters is that the effort I apply to it is rewarded by understanding. I have no natural aptitude for it; I am climbing this hill because it was the steepest and least hospitable to me. there is less agony in the gentler slope, but less valor

I know we all have different skills and all and it's supposed to be complementary, but, people who can do math are so morbidly funny to me

I figure it must be like

Imagine being like only one of twelve people in your whole city who can read and write

And it's not just because everyone else is uneducated, most of them cannot even learn the sort of things you can learn. Or they could, in theory, but it frustrates them so much that they never make it past grade school reading tops, and they hate every second of it

And it's not a "luxury" skill, either, like your whole society needs the written word to function, and by extension, they need you. They need you for shit like reading labels and instruction manuals and writting 2 sentences letters, and they pay you handsomely for that, which is nice, but also feels absurd

You read a whole series of novels that rock your life and you can't even talk about it to your best friend because anything more complex than a picture book breaks their brain

omg I want this so much, I could share my ideas and things I learned

I think tumblr should let us post diagrammes and graphs and tables. We can be trusted with math. I promiss.

oh i just saw, congrats on the bachelors!! im still in calc 3, i thought itd be less mundane but it is actually killing now to the point where i cant even open our stewart text. all my friends in decent math programs are doing more fun and general versions this course. i just cant wait to not use this awful book anymore (all our work is based on the books problems and methodology). all this is to say your progress is inspiring. hopefully i get to a point where i can also be having fun around structures and such, i just have to finish grinding through the filter of "do a bunch of this and don't worry about what it really means, btw good luck problem solving on your exams with 0 neither provided intuition nor rigor". i hope blogs like this stick around!

thank you for the nice message!

I'm so sorry to hear that this is how they teach you math, something like this takes away all pleasure and satisfaction. I didn't have calc 3 as such at my university, we would generally focus on theory and understanding from the start. however, we did have some courses where the mindset was like you just described and it was torture. I hope it changes for you soon so that you can finally enjoy some beautiful math!

8 V 2022

I am on my way home from a math conference, the first one in which I participated actively – I prepaired the talk about the Borsuk-Ulam theorem

my lecture was centered around the connection between the classic "continuous" BUT and its combinatorial analog: Tucker's lemma

I wanted to talk about this because I was amazed at how cool and "versatile" this theorem is. there is a whole book about its applications and generalizations, which is btw very well-written, I highly encourage everyone to read it:

my presentation went well, although after practicing it for about a week the topic seemed really fucking boring to me, no wonder

other than that I have another recommendation to make. do you also hate how messy multivariable calculus is? I do. calculations and technical definitions everywhere, and at the end everything comes down to calculating the determinant of some jacobian. bluh. I stumbled upon a book that describes everything from a sort of algebraic perspective, smells a little bit like category theory too. very clean, very satisfying to read:

I have been studying covering spaces recently and I can give some dope motivation for learning about the structure induced by the covering mapping:

I will never forget that the homomorphism induced by the covering projection is injective

that would be it for my mathemathical life. my personal life, which is still closely connected to math, brings me some psychological progress. I no longer get stuck in loops of "oh I'm so bad at math. maybe I'm not? I got a good grade from X. ah but I got a shit grade afterwards". it might be because I didn't fall on my face for a while now, only decent grades, good ideas, a good presentation, this is correct. but I also do not negotiate with myself that this is supposed to be proof that I'm good enough, I just stopped paying attention to these and focused on math instead. and paradoxically when I stopped caring about being good at math I was rewarded with getting better at math???

a coincidence,

a pleasant one, nonetheless.

anyway I will have to take a fall at some point, unavoidable. and it will be the final test of my progress, becauase I used to get very elevated in my sense of self-worth after receiving a single good grade among trash ones and now I'm just ok. not the god, just ok. but back then, at some point I would no longer be god, I would get smacked in the face by some "proof that I'm actually trash" and that would be a fall from a significant altitude. so I'm hoping that the fall will also be less painful now

I think the biggest change I made was giving up, I abandoned all hope. nooow here is the moment when people interrupt me with "nooo that's horrible don't give up you're a great person you just have to notice that"

fuck off you don't understand shit

I'm doing better now precisely because I stopped hoping that one day I'll stop feeling worthless, that one day something great will happen that will prove once and for all that I'm meant for something great. I can't stand this anymore, I am disgusted by the fact that deep down I still believe that I'm supposed to be the best and that I can't enjoy anything unless I am winning. I want to puke when I'm reminded that everything I do serves the purpose of winning the negotiations I have with myself about what my actual value is

my self-hatred runs much deeper now than ever before and I have no more patience for self-victimization, no more room for "allowing myself to feel". fuck off, all I feel is rage. I want to be able to do things without the prospect of a reward, my goal is to enjoy things, not the sense of being good at doing things

so that's what I'm doing, I made peace with the fact that I will probably never feel good about myself and that I have no chance at achieving the greatness I crave. and I must say I started respecting myself more, turns out I am actually able to do things without the promise of being the best at them, the vision of bringing value to the world motivates me. and fuck the western culture with its oh you must love yourself you are a great person. no, you don't have to do that and you have no way of knowing what kind of person you are, nobody has ever defined it in a strict formal sense, people just use this phrase to trigger the feel-good in others

I am aware that all of this sounds really bad, but I don't care, it works. and my math will be better like that because now that I stopped crying over being trash I have more time to study

I just hope that the fall won't be as painful

2-3 VIII 2021

it's 4am currently, i woke up after a 5hour nap and i don't plan to sleep anymore, time for topo

sleep: weird but going in the right direction i guess

concentration: fine

phone time: good

i am currently dragging myself through some of the most important theorems in multivar calculus i believe. inverse function theorem, implicit function theorem, diffeomorphisms and stuff. the proofs are quite simple but very long hence exhausting, my least fav kind of proofs. right now i'm doing topo

tomorrow (or rather today) i'm planning to do more topo and possibly finish my notes from that calculus chapter