In A Way. Over The Last Two Years Or So. Mathematics Has Become The Altar At Which I Pour Out My Private

there are two levels to this I think

the first one is how do you know how much time someone spent mastering a skill? and how do you decide how much time is average, how much must be a talent? both those pieces of information can be known or computed, but I don't think anybody performs such an assesment for someone else in a casual conversation before saying "you're so talented"

the secone thing is psychological. it is much healthier to think of oneself as "alright-talentend, very hard-working" than very talented. that's mostly why I reblogged this post, to deal with anxious thoughts "what if I'm not talented enough?"

sometimes it requires talent to be able to master a skill at a certain level at all, we're talking fields medalists and famous classical soloists, but to be ok-good at something it often suffices to be a bit above average and hard working. in general talent usually allows to work faster. being praised for talent is unhealthy, I believe, even when someone who is obviously talented worked super hard to achieve their results

and yes, those who didn't master any skill can be very discouraged to try when there is a narrative that it's all about talent. thinking of it as "mainly hard work" spares the question of "am I talented enough?" and inspires to just go and try

"Wow you're so naturally talented!" "You truly are gif-" biting you biting you biting you biting you die die die die I didn't work for thousands of hours to get called naturally talented fuck you fuck you fuck you I wasn't a particularly gifted beginner I just didn't stop doing it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

28 V 2022

topology and analysis tests are over, both went I think alright

if I don't get 100% from topo I'm going to be very frustrated, because I studied hard and acquired deep understanding of the material – so far as to be able to hold a lecture for my classmate about any topic

analysis ughhh if I get ≥40% I will be overjoyed. but that's just the specifics of this subject, you study super hard and seem to be entirely ready, you solve all of the problems in prep and then best you can do is 40%. my best score so far was 42%, so anything more than that will be my lifetime record lmao, I want this so bad. I solved two problems entirely I think, which should give 40% already, and some pieces from two more, chances are I get 50%, which would be absolutely amazing

here are some pictures from me transforming math into an art project

stokes theorem

topology

I was thinking about how annoying I find what people say to me when I tell them that I'm not happy with how I'm doing at math. their first idea is to tell me how great I am and how all I do is good enough and shit like that. it doesn't help, it just feels like I am not being taken seriously. when I barely pass anything, am I really supposed to believe that everything is actually good? it feels like they skip getting to know my situation and just tell me what they would tell anyone, automatic

when I try to calm myself down and think something that will keep me going I don't try to force myself to be happy, fuck that, not being content with one's achievements is very fine, I believe not being happy all the time is fully natural and all that positivity feels so fake

instead what seems to work is asking myself where the rational threshold of being ok with how I'm doing is. the thing is I will never be satisfied, whatever I have, I always want more. but I can set the limits in advance and that stops me from falling into self-loathing loops

although what has really changed the game for me was getting a few good grades, finally I am achieving something, anything. people tell me that I should learn to be alright without this external reliance on achievements but how am I supposed to do that when the source of my low moods is precisely getting less than I want? I don't understand why I should brainwash myself into thinking that this is actually not what I want. the trick here is to separate the goal-orientedness from the sense of self-worth. the groundbreaking realization of mine was figuring out that I believe I deserve more than I get, that's why I am unhappy. so now that I am getting what I think what I deserve I obviously feel much better

20 X 2022

the past few days were hectic

my grandma's burthday was nice, but very stressful, because until the very last minute I didn't know if I can go home with my mother or if I would have to take the train that would arrive at my city at 5am

I tried to study on my way to the event but unfortunately I didn't do much

annotating categories for the working mathematician was the peak of my abilities

I really enjoy the course btw, which is a bit surprising, because there are so many negative opinions about the teacher. right now we are at abelian categories and probably soon will move on to homological algebra

I spent a long time studying adjunctions but I can say that I understand them pretty well now

maybe a part of the reason why I like category theory so much is that I like drawing and chasing them diagrams

I started doing the second problem set for the analytic functions course. they are much easier than the first one. I managed to solve a half of them today. last time it took me a whole day to solve one problem

for the next few days I plan to

complete the analytic functions homework

commutative algebra homework

category theory homework

abelian categories

localization

analytic functions, differentiation and integration of complex functions

wish me luck and I wish you a pleasant evening

7 XI 2022

I think I found an advisor and a topic for the bsc thesis! or rather they found me

one of the teachers that prepares us for writing our theses approached me and started asking about homology I mentioned during our presentation, he wanted to know what courses I took and how familiar I am with that stuff. I told him that I know a bit about homology only from self-study but I enjoyed everything from algebraic topo so far and I would be happy to write about something from that. "ok then I'll find the right topic for you" was his response. then he suggested I read Groups of Homotopy Spheres by Milnor and Kervaire and write about surgery theory. I was sold the moment I heard that name, it's almost as funny as writing about the hairy ball

so there she is, very high level, very complicated. I barely skimmed the first half of that 34-page paper, it's gonna take a lot of work before I learn the basics necessary to even comprehend what is going on. it feels good to be noticed tho, I'm so happy to start writing asap

other than that my mood hasn't been in a great place, because commutative algebra is super hard and I am struggling to find the right resources to study. the last thing we did was tensor product and I've been procrastinating actually studying it by making pretty notes lol

I found a textbook that seems decent. the theory is very thoroughly explained here and there are plenty of exercises ranging from easy to difficult ones

recently I've been trying a new method of tracking, which is instead of writing to-do lists, I write down what I did each day, here is what it looks like for now:

I find it much less anxiety-inducing than the to-do approach because I know damn well what I need to do and writing down what I actually completed feels much better than crossing things off of the list

this week I hope to study the tensor product, representable functors (yoneda is still not done with me) and probably start the complex analysis homework. if I have time I will study the prerequisites for the Milnor's paper

I'm reblogging this to compare it later with 1.A from Hatcher's Algebraic Topology. in that chapter he defines the topology on a graph if anyone else wants to check it out

Intuitively, it seems to me that graphs should be some sort of finite topological space. I mean, topology studies "how spaces are connected to themselves", and a graph represents a finite space of points with all the internal connections mapped out. That sounds topological to me! And of course many people consider the Seven Bridges of Königsberg problem to be the "beginning" of topology, and that's a graph theory problem. So graphs should be topological spaces.

Now, I vaguely remember searching for this before and finding out that they aren't, but I decided to investigate for myself. After a bit of thought, it turns out that graphs can't be topological spaces while preserving properties that we would intuitively want. Here's (at least one of the reasons) why:

We want to put some topology on the vertices of our graph such that graph-theoretic properties and topological properties line up—of particular relevance here, we want graph-theoretic connectedness to line up with topological connectedness. But consider the following pair of graphs on four vertices:

On the left is the co-paw graph, and on the right is the cycle graph C_4.

Graph theoretically, the co-paw graph has two connected components, and C_4 has only one. Now consider the subgraph {A, D} of the co-paw graph. Graph theoretically, it is disconnected, and if we want it to also be topologically disconnected, it must by definition be the union of two disjoint open sets. Therefore, in whatever topology we put on this graph, {A} and {D} must be open. The same argument shows that {B} and {C} must be open as well. Therefore the topology on the co-paw graph must be the discrete topology.

Now consider the subgraph {B, D} of C_4. It is disconnected, so again {B} and {D} must be open. Since {A, C} is also disconnected, {A} and {C} must be open. So the topology on C_4 must again be the discrete topology.

But these graphs aren't isomorphic! So they definitely shouldn't have the same topology.

It is therefore impossible to put a topology on the points of a graph such that its graph-theoretic properties line up with its topological properties.

Kind of disappointing TBH.

My favorite example of girl math is when David Hilbert and Albert Einstein couldn't solve how energy conservation worked in general relativity, so Hilbert asked Emmy Noether about it and she solved it for them.

2 IV 2023

oh god the programming task for today was so annoying. I was supposed to process the MIT database with ECG records, and the annotation part of it was hell. after three hours I finally did it but the anger I felt at that time put me seconds away from throwing my laptop out of the window lmao

a recent success is that I calculated the rank of the module that I am working with, the problem is almost solved! when I told my advisor about it he looked so happy, he said that maybe he should start looking for another problem for me to ponder, it was so satisfying. I have a thing for mentors. at each point in my life for which I had a mentor who would teach me my special interest the progress I was making improved significantly and those were always the happiest times of my life. I am not sure if my advisor will stay with me to further show me a way into the research, but it certainly feels like a possibility

today I did some algebraic topology and differential geometry, I'm trying not to fall behind with the material even when I don't feel like studying

next week the easter starts, so I will probably have to visit my family. it's an interesting feeling to see my sister all grown up, there is still the image in my head of when she was barely a teenager and we didn't have much to talk about. now she is almost 18 and the significance of the age difference is nearly gone. when she start university it will be even less noticeable as she will understand what I mean by "fuck my life it's exam session season" lol

for about a week I've been trying to eat more healthy food, it's going fine so far. my biggest problem is that I'm eating way too much sugar but undereating in the general sense at the same time. I'm trying to incorporate more fruits and vegetables into my diet, as well as different kinds of nuts. it's so important to be properly nourished for math and yet I neglect it so much

yesterday I had a conversation with my friend and he said that his vision for doing math is working on some huge open problem such as RH. obviously you do you, but this sounds like such a depressive idea to me lol. chances of solving something like this are almost non-existent, that's such a waste of time to work on something like this for 10, 20, 50 years and make no progress. I mean, it certainly would feel nice to prove or disprove something like RH, but I'm perfectly fine with reading papers and answering all the questions I can anwer, which might not be huge and famous but I'm pretty sure creating those small pieces of theory will be useful to somebody one day

welcome ✨

i'm a math student, currently persuing master's degree. this semester I'm taking courses on complex manifolds, category theory, equivariant cohomology and representation theory

my bachelor's thesis was about my partial result in the knot/link theory. right now I'm finishing that proof and hoping to publish it when (if?) I'm done. my interests include algebraic and geometric topology and the goal for this year is to get to know some algebraic geometry

I post updates of how I'm doing, photos of my ugly notes and sometimes share some study methods that proved to be useful to me

oh and math is my special interest, I take it way too seriously lol

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my posts with study tips:

tips for studying math

tips for studying math part 2: you have an exam but the course is boring

oh, you misunderstood. when i said "applications" i didnt mean real world applications, i meant ways to use this in the context even more abstract nonsense