Me, After Crawling Back To Tumblr After Idefk Whats Been Going But Rest Assured It Was Not A Productive

haii :3

active ana blogs jan&feb reboog plz

I need more ana moots

so theres a kinda specific but also not that specific trope i really like and find comforting and its the everyone minus the main character meets the in-need-of-hug+help mc and lifts them up and takes care of them.

and i was over analyzing myself as one does in the wee hours of the morning and was like... oh... huh

im so terrified of loving someone more than they love me that i dont see me being able to let myself make new relationships especially as an adult, let alone rely on others for anything important.

ive been so hyper independent since as long as i can remember that the concept of *not* being as entirely and completely self-sufficient as possible at all times falls under the same "nice to dream about but not real" umbrella as a world without homophobia or transphobia.

like in all honesty how the fuck do people just... trust that other people wont screw them over? accidentally or on purpose? what if they leave? what if they get new priorities? what if they cheat? what if they die and then you're floundering AND mourning?

day 4: whats ur ugw and why

my gw is basically my ugw weight. at it (50kg) ill be underweight (16.3 bmi) but not *severely* underweight.

i also hope to slowly build some lean muscle so with any luck ill be 50kg but look in the 40s

im gonna start making d1ets (aesthetic w/daily c@l limits) which should i make first?

comment if u have specific ideas (eg space themed -> the moon, winter themed -> frosty winter plants, etc.)

moots cmere i need ur opinions! @angelsonfiilm @g1rl-interrupts @moth-boyyyy @allulose-add1ct @pr0ngs4th0ngs @beebees-tattooed-ribs @amptoohigh

so first half of the week, sperm donor was at a Manager Work Thingy a few hours away and thus i was Acting Adult of the household and as such in charge of ensuring that both the dog and my little sibling slept, drank water and ate.

nowhere in my instructions were to ensure i slept or ate >:3

unfortunately this had the regrettable consequence of nearly fainting during sparring so... gonna need to be a tad more careful next time lol.

EdbIr in a nutshell:

so my neighbour is finally back and she came over to give us cupcakes on halloween bc shes just that awesome (my favorite person on this earth <33)

and during the usual how-have-you-been-hows -school-how-was-your-cruise song and dance she said

"oh you're just wasting away look at you!"

nah i was like "oh no haha just been getting back in shape for karate you know haha"

but inside i was like omg nice grandma neighbor thinks im wasting away??? :00 validation!!!!

imma do this now yes yes :3

day 1: stats and expectations

176 cm / 5'9

92 kg / 203 lbs

idrk what "expectations" means in this context but eh

expectations in terms of my goals r:

id like to be sk1nny enough that people tell me to eat more but not enough to get involuntarily committed. like "oh you're wasting away you should put some meat on your bones" not "you're becoming a skeleton bird r u okay?"

expectations in terms of how quickly i can get there:

im waayyyy better at med-res than low or high (low i just do med anyways and high i b1ng3) so it'll be more slow n steady (for 4n@ at least lol)

both of u sleep <3

so, as one does, i was checking how much ive lost since i started properly tracking again. And, as fucked up little brainicles do, i was disappointed when it fell in the range of healthy weight loss for the time span (7.3kg in 2mo)

and then i realized that i was upset??? about being healthy???? and close to the upper limit of healthy?????

like wtf??????

idrc about whats healthy when it comes to weight loss (like im here lol) but ive never... actively not wanted to at least go about it in a more helathy way??

like im fucking religious abt taking my vitamins so i dont get scurvy or whatever. (after writing this the fact that my hard line for healthy eating is "having my flintstones gummies everyday" is... something)

anyways tldr is i had a "shit i am so far into my relapse ive reached new levels of fuckery" moment :/